Funeral flowers, coping and long walks

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by daughter, Feb 19, 2007.

  1. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    We ordered the flowers today for Dad's funeral and all the other arrangements are taking up quite a lot of time. Whereas I thought I wouldn't really care, it suddenly seems quite important to get the little details right - colours of the flowers, songs to be played etc.

    I'm finding it very strange how I can be ok one minute and then the next I'm struggling with despair. I thought I had it all under control for quite a while and I wasn't prepared for the massive wave of depression that hit me on Saturday night (and why does it always seem so much more difficult at night?) I know I'll get through this and I expect it's normal, but everything seems so pointless at those moments. There seems to be such a lot to work through emotionally.

    On Sunday I went out with Mum, like we used to when it was partly to get her away from the trials of being Dad when he was still at home with her, or as a break on the days she wasn't visiting Dad in his Home. Now it's different, no longer do I have to be strong to prop up Mum, to give her breathing space to continue the battle. Now it's all over and at times I'm feeling that I can't even prop up myself.

    Mum and I went for a l-o-n-g walk along a dis-used railway. I thought we were going towards a town, but we had actually gone in completely the opposite direction! That town never appeared and we eventually gave up and went back. Mum said it was her punishment walk for the time she got annoyed with Dad when he kept saying he wanted to go home (to his childhood home). She walked his legs off one day and she felt really bad about it afterwards. She said he was now looking down and saying it served her right! But we both know she had understandably reached the end of her tether by then.
     
  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Dear Hazel
    Oh how i understand!
    Today I have spent our picking the right outfit for mum to be dressed in at the chapel of rest( it's only me who will visit her but I need it to be right......searching for hymns,searching fior 2 pieces of music to go into the crem and out again,i have read countless poems until at last I am finally satisfied(I think!)
    Tomorrow I will order the flowers but I know it will be indecision again.......

    Please accept you will have mood swings......unfortunately they hit you so unexpectedly.....just ride the storm as best you can........

    At times I feel lost.......but life will return to some sort of normality in the future.....

    You take care Hazel.......you will get through this

    Lots of love
    Wendy xx
     
  3. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Thank you Wendy - it really helps to know that others understand, although that means you are going through the same painful emotions and I don't wish that on anyone.

    Thinking of you and hope you can also draw some strength from knowing we're having to make similar difficult decisions at the moment.

    Love from Hazel. {{hugs}}
     
  4. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi both of you. Although it's 6 months ago since I was doing the same, I remember it very vividly. I know just what you mean Hazel about not thinking it would be important but then finding that every little detail has to be right. It's something you only get one chance at. It felt like my last chance to get things right for dad, and to say to the world who he was. I found it rather ironic that I was making such a fuss for him because I know what he'd have said ....... "aye well, you know me love, whatever you think, I'll be happy with whatever you choose"

    take care of yourselves

    hugs

    Áine
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Hazel & Wendy

    Just that I am thinking of you both. I know you'll both get it right.

    (A friend of mine went back to the chapel of rest on the morning of her father's funeral and insisted they open the coffin so that she could put a cricket ball in her father's hand). Whatever you decide will be right.

    Love and hugs
     
  6. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I never used to think funerals were all that important. Then my dad died 2 years ago and my sister and I went to a great deal of trouble over the funeral. The hymns were picked very carefully, we both did readings, his coffin was carried by his grandsons, son in law and son (but don't get me started on him!) Two of the grandchildren took the offertory up and my niece produced the order of service with a drawing on it that she had done of him a couple of years previously.

    When people said afterwards that old chestnut 'it was a lovely service', I really think that they actually meant it because it really was a lovely service and very personal. Now I do think that funerals are important and they are as much for the living as for the dead.

    Hazel and Wendy, I hope your respective dad's and mum's funerals go as well as they can, and that you can take some comfort from them.

    Take care
    Brenda
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,892
    Kent
    Dear Hazel and Wendy,
    You have both done so much for your parents, the funerals will be the final demonstations of your love for them. That`s why you`re taking so much care over the smallest details.
    I hope everything goes as you have so carefully planned.
    Love Sylvia x
     
  8. DaughterN

    DaughterN Registered User

    Feb 6, 2007
    14
    United States
    So sorry my Mom also has passed

    My deepest symapathy to you I posted a couple of weeks ago about my mother in the hospital in last stages and I was going crazy not realizing what was happening. She was transfered to Hospice there and about 11 days in Hospice passed away. Our funeral is Thursday. I have been feeling like I am in a hazey kind of state...still not believing it is over. I feel somewhat relieved that the suffering is over....but so lost...I pray for your Dad and you & Mom. I am in the midst of making arrangements...her clothes etc...just want her to look like the beautiful woman she was.
     
  9. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    just wanted to send you all a {{{{hug}}}}

    i hope you all find the strength to get you through this time
    take care all
    donna xxxxx
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,892
    Kent
    Dear DaughterN, I am so sorry you`ve lost your mother and send my deepest sympathy and sincere condelences. I hope after such suffering you find some consolation that the suffering is over, for your mother, at least.
    With love Sylvia x
     
  11. Sarah-Anne

    Sarah-Anne Registered User

    Mar 17, 2007
    28
    shropshire
    #11 Sarah-Anne, Mar 19, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2007
    hello

    My dad's funeral was last Friday.......i am feeling the same as you......x
    lost.....nothing feels familiar.....i miss him so much
     
  12. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Daughter, so sorry about your dad. Mine died when I was 17 and at the time I was just too shocked to grieve, but over the years I began to miss him but also to remember fondly some of the funny things which made him so unique and irreplaceable. I'm sure that the funeral arrangements you make will speak volumes about your love, but even if it all went pear-shaped, which it won't, everyone will know how much your dad meant to you and your family. Sincere condolences and love
     
  13. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hello Sarah-Anne, I am so sorry about your Dad. Be kind to yourself, it's early days and you're bound to feel lost.

    I can't believe it has been a month since I created this post. When I think about my Dad I still feel that sorrow but now I am also able to look back at all the old photographs and remember all the really happy times and, just as Deborah described so well:
    Thank you Deborah.

    Love from Hazel.
     

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