We ordered the flowers today for Dad's funeral and all the other arrangements are taking up quite a lot of time. Whereas I thought I wouldn't really care, it suddenly seems quite important to get the little details right - colours of the flowers, songs to be played etc. I'm finding it very strange how I can be ok one minute and then the next I'm struggling with despair. I thought I had it all under control for quite a while and I wasn't prepared for the massive wave of depression that hit me on Saturday night (and why does it always seem so much more difficult at night?) I know I'll get through this and I expect it's normal, but everything seems so pointless at those moments. There seems to be such a lot to work through emotionally. On Sunday I went out with Mum, like we used to when it was partly to get her away from the trials of being Dad when he was still at home with her, or as a break on the days she wasn't visiting Dad in his Home. Now it's different, no longer do I have to be strong to prop up Mum, to give her breathing space to continue the battle. Now it's all over and at times I'm feeling that I can't even prop up myself. Mum and I went for a l-o-n-g walk along a dis-used railway. I thought we were going towards a town, but we had actually gone in completely the opposite direction! That town never appeared and we eventually gave up and went back. Mum said it was her punishment walk for the time she got annoyed with Dad when he kept saying he wanted to go home (to his childhood home). She walked his legs off one day and she felt really bad about it afterwards. She said he was now looking down and saying it served her right! But we both know she had understandably reached the end of her tether by then.