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Funeral attending dilemma

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by tatty, Mar 23, 2016.

  1. tatty

    tatty Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    Any advice of how to handle this plus saying fears out loud so it won't happen..

    MIl lives with us for 17months mixed dementia still has capacity most days. sad scenario have OHcousin , MIL niece's funeral late today only 50, daughter of MIL's beloved younger but invisible brother whom lives along way away and has his own problems to be fair.

    The poor cousin stayed at MIL house when having medical treatment after miL moved in with us as the cousin lived abroad but was having their treatment here and had no where to stay ....MiL was all for it etc etc but once they were living their nothing but vitriol re:' I was thrown out so they could move in .... they aren't paying billl (they were). how dare they ....they should be paying rent....and worse..'

    MIL was so nasty that me and OH and SIL stopped mentioning cousin at all in front of mIl even though it regular contact with cousin only stayed 3 months whilst the house was sold and meant we didn't have to worry about an empty house etc wtc.. House has been sold a year but MIL asked is that where cousin died..

    Anyhow OH told MiL when cousin died, she was sad for her brother but has made no reference to it since.... I am worried she is going to start any these untruths or making comments 'w ell I had to leave my house etc ' to people at the funeral , her brother who she gets on well with has no idea about dementias effect

    will likely go ballistic... as his his nature and say something equally upsetting

    Its not my call to say no or yes to her going OH thinks it will be all fine.... this will also be the first funeral that MIL has attended since FIL died.. She has just been taken of donezepil 5mg due to her accusations etc

    Any suggestions or am I being paranoid..(hopefully)
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Not sure about you being paranoid :) but my thoughts are

    Text/contact brother and forewarn him - just in case - something like

    "dementia has caused your sister to occasionally make some false accusations about situations that we all know are not true, but I thought I would let you know incase she has one of her moments and it causes you more pain at this terrible time"

    Sorry to hear xxxxxx
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    If it were me, I think I wouldn't take her - that is unless it's very difficult to leave her.

    If it's unavoidable, then I think forewarning the relatives is a very good idea. And in case she says anything to anyone who hasn't been forewarned, perhaps a little card in your pocket to show discreetly - 'I'm sorry, she has dementia and can't help it.'
  4. tatty

    tatty Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    Hi we did this before to cousin's brother and brother of MIL, he still believed every word she told him and then bother had a go at OH over a load of old rubbish she had been spouting....difficulty is if MIL is great at hostessing mode so will sound plausible and knowing her brother he will look around to see who else has made these accusations which MiL is 'repeating':(...... personally I feel the funeral isn't 'MIL show' she loves to be centre of attention and when not that when she 'starts' so it would be fairer to all not to take her at 91 her not attending would not be seen unfavourably BUT it is not up to me...SIL is actually coming so I think I will sit them together so she can deal with her mother for a change....

    Thanks... here's hoping I am worying for nothing..... extra tenna ladies will be packed!!
  5. arielsmelody

    arielsmelody Registered User

    Jul 16, 2015
    I have to say that I'd be inclined not to take her, because if things go wrong it potentially could make bad memories for people who have gone there to remember your OH's cousin.

    If other members of the family feel that she should go, I would make plans so that you can whisk her away quickly if things start to go wrong - maybe do something like take two cars so that you can make an excuse to take MIL home early and leave your OH there with his family.
  6. Pegsdaughter

    Pegsdaughter Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    Can you just take her to the ceremony but not the reception which is where the opportunity for trouble is likely to be.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  7. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    I don't take my husband to funerals even though he is not paranoid or unpleasant. He would only have a vague idea of what is going on and might say things which were inappropriate. I can't see the point in creating a situation if you don't have to.

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