1. Lancshiker

    Lancshiker Registered User

    Apr 17, 2013
    87
    Hi. I lost my Dad to Alzheimer's 12 months ago and since then I can't get funeral arrangements out of my mind. I am in my early forties and am married with no children. I am worried about developing dementia myself and how to make arrangements for my care and funeral with no children to arrange this if my husband pre decreases me. There is nothing on the Internet and posts on other forums have led to some semi abusive replies. It seems that it's something no one wants to think about. I understand this but I can't stop thinking about it. Can anyone help me? Please don't ask me why I don't have children. I can't have them. I'm not a loser or a loner. I'm just worried. Thank you.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,580
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

    I have no children and have arranged pre-paid funeral plans for both myself and my husband. Most funeral directors will organise this for you. Perhaps you could contact somewhere local and start to find out what you could arrange.

    This site gives some information.

    http://www.over50choices.co.uk/funeral-planning/funeral-plans

    Does anyone have Power of Attorney for you? I have named both my brother and my nephew in my POAs. This means that they will have the right to organise my cafe needs if necessary. I have also named them as executors in my will.
     
  3. Lancshiker

    Lancshiker Registered User

    Apr 17, 2013
    87
    Thanks

    Thanks Izzy.

    I really appreciate your help. Do you happen to know if a solicitor could act as power of attorney if no one else could? No worries if not. Your help has been more than enough.

    Best wishes

    Liz
     
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,711
    Female
    London
    #4 Beate, Aug 26, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2015
    No one should receive abusive comments just because they worry about funeral arrangements, that's horrendous! I think it's entirely sensible to forward plan - we could all be run over by a bus tomorrow.

    I would start with making a will and granting LPA. If you don't want to just give it to your husband, ask a trusted friend as well? They could be replacement attorney.

    Nothing keeps you from planning your own funeral yourself, from choosing poems and music to stipulating whether it should be traditional or humanist, whether you want to be buried or cremated etc. For wishes about your care, you can put all this in a document called an Advance Directive which details your wishes for your care etc and is legally binding: http://www.nhs.uk/Planners/end-of-life-care/Pages/advance-decision-to-refuse-treatment.aspx
    You could also fill out an Advance Statement though it's not legally binding but has to be taken into account: http://www.nhs.uk/Planners/end-of-life-care/Pages/advance-statement.aspx

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=143

    There's quite a good booklet here: http://www.ncpc.org.uk/sites/default/files/planning_for_your_future_updated_sept_2014 (1).pdf

    I don't know much about funeral plans but if you are worried about costs or who would pay for it, you could take one out now.
     
  5. Lancshiker

    Lancshiker Registered User

    Apr 17, 2013
    87
    Thank you

    Thank you Beate. I thought I was going mad and nearly cried with relief when I read your reply. Thank you so much for your kindness.
     
  6. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,711
    Female
    London
    I am pretty sure they could but that option might be very expensive!
     
  7. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    You are not going mad at all - you are being quite sensible. My husband just died three weeks ago, and it was such a lot of stress off me that his funeral had been arranged and paid for four years ago! All I had to do was phone the Funeral Directors and tell them he had died. There was still quite a bit to do, as there was a lot of family input into the service etc. - but the things I would have found awful - choosing a coffin, a gravesite, music, arranging flowers, transport to the funeral, having it announced on local radio etc. etc. - all done. His headstone was also pre-ordered and paid for, although that won't be able to be erected yet.

    I am thinking that if I can afford it, I might do the same for myself - because I only have one daughter, and I don't want her to have all the stress of having to arrange everything when the time comes, and wondering what to do. Most certainly, I will be leaving instructions as to what to do.

    Beate is right about giving someone Power of Attorney to see to your funeral wishes though rather than just put it in your Will - I don't know about over there, but here, a Will would not be read until after a funeral - sometimes if it wasn't expected to contain anything out of the ordinary, it could be several weeks later! I used to work for Solicitors, and we always advised people never to put anything like funeral or burial preferences in their Will, as it would be usually too late by the time the Will was read.
     
  8. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,848
    Female
    Scotland
    I took out a plan for my SIL who is 80, never married or had children. In fact all it takes is a phone call and the Age UK appointed undertaker will do everything from picking up the death certificate right to the end.

    I used 12 monthly payments over the last year so it is all done and dusted and I insisted that her sheltered housing management put the details on their computer. I also informed distant relatives which are all she has apart from my husband and myself. I feel confident that if she is the "last man standing" her affairs will be taken care of.

    Nothing for you to worry about at all. Good wishes.
     
  9. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Well done marionq!
     
  10. CynthsDaugh

    CynthsDaugh Registered User

    May 5, 2015
    140
    Salford, Lancashire
    Hi Lancshiker,

    Just wanted to say you're not the only one to worry about this. I'm in my mid 40s and have never married (but never give up hope!) or had kids, and do sometimes worry about what will happen when I get older. Making plans now is a good idea and your post has made me think I probably should get some plans in place!

    Sally
     
  11. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    19,021
    Male
    North Manchester
    "Do you happen to know if a solicitor could act as power of attorney if no one else could?"

    A solicitor can act but there will be a fee.

    Note that it would be a person not the firm acting so choose a young solicitor and also consider a replacement attorney.
     
  12. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    220
    North East
    This is something I am going to do as I have no children. I arranged my Mum's funeral last year and whilst I think I got it right I wish now that I had discussed things with her a few years ago. It made me think so I am going to write it all down. X
     
  13. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    I know that you are being sensible to arrange the funeral you want, so whoever was abusive on other sites has a lot to learn. That's why I like TP I don't think I've seen any abuse just common sense and support.

    When I looked into the pre planned funeral arrangement I know that some stipulate only certain undertakers, so if you choose a local one then move in later life it's complicated. I found out that the scheme organised by Age UK was one of the best and was covered nationwide and slightly cheaper. Maybe pop into their shops and pick up their leaflet to guide you.

    Any more advice or worries, make sure you come back here. Three cheers for the organised ones I say!
     
  14. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Hi. I lost my husband in April this year, and I had prepaid his funeral. It seemed to make the arrangements so much easier.

    Like yourself, and many others, I have no children, but I do have 4 nephews and nieces, who I trust implicitly. I know that, if I make my views known, they will follow that as closely as they can.

    Since losing Roger, I have paid for my own funeral, set up Power of Attorney for both Finance and Health, with my nephews and nieces acting as my attorneys. I have written my wishes for my funeral and will be writing the service I want. I also need to update my will.

    I personally think it's a sensible move, to make everything simpler for those that are left to sort everything out.
     
  15. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,955
    When I read your post, I thought there was a whole lot of grief underlying it and that - when you can find the time and energy - it would be worth doing what's possible to shift that burden.

    You've lost your Dad relatively recently and he was clearly very important to you. You may have other griefs that you're struggling with. We all need time and space to grieve and the comfort of others while we grieve. If you need more help than you're getting please might I suggest you investigate whether your GP surgery provides bereavement counselling or general counselling? My Mum had bereavement counselling after the death of her beloved sister - it did help her a lot.
     
  16. LucyCW

    LucyCW Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    9
    Rainham Kent
    So sorry you got abuse

    I'm so sorry that you had abuse when you are trying to be sensible & forward thinking.
    I think that people get afraid of their own mortality, though that is no excuse.
    I've been making my will since I was 10 years old (updated every 3 years or when change needed) and over the years I've faced many abusive comments about it.
    Now, I'm 58, widowed and my only relative is my widowed bil who has dementia & I care for.
    I have my grave organised next to my late partners in New Forest.
    As I'm on DLA I've taken out a life insurance policy (£9 a month) to cover funeral expenses. I've written every detail of my funeral guest (?) list, music ext.
    I'm lucky that the Manager of the Care Agency that gives both my bil & I some support is a lovely man who's agreed to be my LPA along with a support worker should it be necessary.
    Losing someone is so very hard, it helps to know that you've done exactly what they wanted. So well done you.
    I recommend "Dying Matters" (sorry no link) it's a practical site including how to raise difficult conversations re end of life/dying/funerals
     
  17. nicoise

    nicoise Registered User

    Jun 29, 2010
    1,807
    I have a friend who was a solicitor who acts as attorney for several people living in residential care in seaside towns on the south coast. In most cases she is also their executor, so handles all their affairs until no longer needed, having arranged their funerals also.

    Whilst I suspect most of these people are financially comfortable, once financial affairs are in order the actual amount of time needed to administer them is not much, so the ongoing cost is not great, but of course it is a consideration.
     

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