Funeral and other get togethers

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Janie M, Aug 22, 2019.

  1. Janie M

    Janie M Registered User

    Jun 12, 2018
    60
    Think I'll know the answer, but got a bit of a dilemma.
    My OH (4 years with Alzheimer's) has an awful short term memory plus the other usual aggressive behaviour etc. However a mutual friend who takes him to play snooker occasionally (not 100% sure if he understands the extent of OH problems) has said there is a funeral tomorrow of a mutual acquaintance, and as he's on holiday, to let OH know if he wants to go. Now, this was an old "drinking buddy" from about 12 years ago when things were normal. OH has never mentioned him and I know they don't see him. Do I mention it and go? This persons family are Irish so it will be a big wake afterwards. My concern is if OH will want to keep drinking etc, he can be aggressive with me if I try and stop him, is it worth it? And obviously it will be taking him out of his routine. My thought is not to go, but am I being selfish? There have been lots of times more recently where we've avoided family get togethers ( he's got a large family but never usually see him...that's another story!). Suppose it's just another step away from having a "normal" life, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself with all the caring, but not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,696
    Female
    London
    I wouldn't mention it and I wouldn't go. That isn't selfish - you're working with a new reality and are protecting him from a difficult social situation. If he hasn't mentioned him lately, the funeral will probably confuse him anyway.
     
  3. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    536
    Male
    North West
    I wouldn't take him, he probably won't remember or at least be confused by it, plus alcohol if he gets aggressive will be more of an issue -it isn't worth it. Its not being selfish, your weighing-up the best thing to do.
     
  4. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    234
    Female
    Mid Lincs
    I wouldn't mention it. My BiL died in March but I never have told my OH. I simply said on the morning of the funeral I needed to go and do some jobs and got a sitter for the day. It has been mentioned in front of my OH that my sister has gone on holiday by herself or she misses her OH but my hubby has never questioned it so really doesn't comprehend the situation anyway.
     
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    976
    Don't mention it and don't go, this is dementia, normal rules don't apply. I never discussed or mentioned any family get togethers with my mother-in-law she had long-term paranoid jealousy before the dementia diagnosis . My husband and I learnt over many years that to tell my mother-in-law what we were doing and who we were going to see caused extreme tantrums and aggression. You are not being selfish ,as other posters have said, you're dealing with a new reality
     
  6. Janie M

    Janie M Registered User

    Jun 12, 2018
    60
    Thanks all, think it just reaffirmes what I thought and the new reality
    Should have said OH gets verbally aggressive, and it's dealing with the remarks of " oh he doesn't seem too bad" blah blah blah, from people that don't have to deal with it 24/7.
     
  7. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    536
    Male
    North West
    Yes verbal aggression. People who have little insight into pwd don't realise its an ever shifting state to be in, generally in ever decreasing circles with fluctuations of clarity here and there
     

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