Full time residential care


Registered User
Apr 8, 2006
It has been a while since I last posted a thread on this site, I needed advice as to how to get a very obstinate 94 MIL (who lives with us and has done so for 32 years) into respite care, and also to unload some of my anger and frustration regarding the officialdom and its systems.

Well some good news at least, MIL agreed to go into respite in July for 2 weeks in order that hubby and I could have a well earnt holiday and to save our marriage(it had got that bad). To her amazement MIL actually enjoyed her stay and wished she could be there longer!! however, since she has come back home, things have got slowly worse. Walking, which was not a problem before respite has got worse, she finds the walk down the hallway to her bedroom and to the separate toilet very difficult. Things are so bad that she now wears pads to help with the incontinence problems, (I am not good at clearing up the mess she leaves in the loo at times!!) It seems that everything is now too much bother, her moans and groans are worse, I seem to bear the brunt of everything and I am finding things extremely difficult.

We have had a meeting all of us with her social worker with a view to full time care at the same care home she went to in July. All the positive points were accentuated to MIL, ie home cooked food, baths, someone ready to help her 24hours a day, company with similar age group etc etc, MIL FLATLY REFUSED, she has agreed to 2 weeks again in late September for a 'holiday'.

My question through this wonderful site is this, can we refuse to have Mum back home after 2 weeks is up?? its our house and our marriage, I know it seems a very harsh decision to take but I simply cannot take anymore.

Mum still has carers in 4xdayx7days week to see to her basic needs but still refuses to accept she needs 24 hour care now( she has also had several falls at home since respite).


Registered User
May 14, 2006
Full time care

I think you've been very patient to have your MIL living with you for 32 years. If the stress is really getting to you and making you feel at the end of your tether, I wonder if you could go to your own GP and ask for advice. If he felt that caring for your MIL was making you stressed and ill, then perhaps pressure from him would help persuade everyone that it was necessary for her to go into full time residential care. It certainly sounds as though she needs 24 hour attention and it would probably be better for her too.


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Hiya Trisha,
I think the simple answer must be yes; I don't see how anyone can make you take anyone into your home. It may seem drastic, but if you feel that it is the right thing for your family, then maybe you have to give MIL no choice.
Love Helen


Registered User
Dec 22, 2005
24hr care

hi trish i am allmost sure if u refuse to pick her up and take her home they cant turn her out into the street when she goes in tell the socalworker that uou will not be taking her home it sounds drastic but what elese can u do sending u a bigHUG


Registered User
Apr 8, 2006
Thanks to you all for your messages they really do help, I have a drs appointment on 5 September so will ask for advice although on previous occasions all she has said is "its difficult coping with being a carer 24/7"!! I do feel so guilty having these thoughts, wishing she was dead, (this is what she keeps saying to us). Hubby is convinced that over the past few days she has had TIA's as her speech has been slurred, is very confused about things, sleeps most of the day and night, I think it is because she does sleep so much, she even feel asleep whilst in the middle of writing in a birthday card for her grandaughter!

Thanks again for making me seem "normal", you never know she may decide she will stay once she gets to her respite care home!

Will keep you posted.


Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
West Sussex
Hello Trisha

I think I would tell the social worker immediately that you can no longer cope and are not prepared to have her home with you after her respite,at least that way the ball will be in their court, so to speak.

If you tell the home at the last minute, they may not have a room for her and then where would she go?

I can totally understand your feelings and have the utmost sympathy for you, but it will be an upheavel for your Mum to change her environment for respite and if she is then moved around until a permanent home is found, it will fairly traumatic for her.

Be firm and stick to your guns and hopefully Mum will soon be in a home that suits her and yourselves and you can still look out for her without the problems caring for her 24/7 gives you and your husband at the moment.



Registered User
Jul 2, 2005
I'm sure Kathleen is right - the authorities need as much notice as possible, otherwise they may not be able to keep her in the home that you say she liked. I would not say anything to MIL beyond the fact that she is going in for a stay, like before.
And I would be inclined to be forceful with social services - tell them you cannot and will not cope any more.
Good luck.