Full time Carer to my Mother now for 5 years

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by KatsWhiskers, Apr 16, 2008.

  1. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    506
    West Yorkshire
    Dear Mary
    I've just caught up your thread after being away from TP. Can i just say how sorry I was to read about the difficulties you have been experiencing with your mother's illness. What a traumatic time for you both, I do hope that her symptoms improve very soon. I have never been on the receiving end of any physical abuse from Dad. But I have seen Dad so poorly with his illness that other peple have been at risk. I am not saying that there are similairities in our circumstances, just that it is very frightening indeed to witness violent episodes. When its aimed at you, plus the verbal abuse, I cant imagine what that must be like. Your mother is a very poorly lady, I'm glad that she has started receiving treatment. May I ask, why the medics didn't consider hospitalising her? although she's started treatment, do you feel still at risk?
    take care
    hendy
     
  2. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Hendy

    Hello Hendy

    Good to hear from you.

    The immediate plan of action - was to sedate Mum. Quite honestly though I'm pretty sure that - between the doctor - the psychiatrist and social services - they have a plan up their sleeve.

    Yes it has been a traumatic and a heartbreaking five years. I wish I could read Mum's mind (as she used to be).

    I hope all is as well as can be for you and your Dad - I really do.

    Mary

    x
     
  3. Ditto

    Ditto Registered User

    May 17, 2008
    45
    Cape Town
    Confrontational!

    Hi Mary,

    I've just read all your posts and replies and the one that struck a chord the most for me was your last post... re:- causing confrontations. I also don't want to offend you but don't you realize that by the very nature of her condition, confrontations are literally inevitable and they will happen no matter what!

    I understand that it's a terrible thing to expect from a child, but you have to let go of her as "your mother" figure and in association with her Doctor, take control of the situation and get help. Of course she will throw a tantrum and stamp her feet...Even though it may be at a subconscious level, she know's that she has lost her grip on reality and thats means she has lost her grip on YOU!

    I'm not saying that you should suddenly "stop" loving your mother... because that would be ridiculous... Just remember that she's not the mother you grew up with anymore.. Most of that Mother has left you and in her place, a child-like surrogate.

    Do what you need to do Mary! You will both be far more comfortable and perhaps a tad less stressed in the long-term.

    Soothing Hugs and Good Luck

    Ditto
     
  4. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    I'm not really sure which of my postings you're referring to i.e. causing confrontation ! Perhaps you could re-itterate ??

    In my last posting I was trying to let people know how much my attitude has changed - for the better with their kind and helpful advice.

    Also I'm fully aware of having 'lost' my Mum.


    Thanks

    Mary
     
  5. Ditto

    Ditto Registered User

    May 17, 2008
    45
    Cape Town
    16th April !!!!!

    I am such an idiot Mary... Sorry!

    Just realized that I read your posts from 16th April and did not notice xyz amount of following pages... stupid stupid me. Was just trying to help.. but now wonder how many other posts I have read months too late.

    Happy to hear that you got the help you needed.

    Ditto
     
  6. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Ditto

    Hello again

    I did wonder actually - but it's easily done if you don't go to the end of the thread and mine is rather lengthy to say the least.

    Mary
     
  7. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Hello again

    Yes it's me !

    Just a bit fed up as things seem to have become worse rather than better since Social Services came involved.

    They have help they can give me which entails someone being here whilst I get out for a while; or Mum goes somewhere temporarily - but of course Mum won't hear of it. She's still refusing to have anyone in the house - whether it's for her or me - even my man friend from Norway. I've had to write to him and suggest we call it a day sadly as there's no way he can afford to come over once a month and stay in an hotel.
    So I have no life of my own now at all.

    Yes- am feeling sorry for myself today. Also have toothache and for what I need doing I've just been quoted £6000 for - yes £6000. That of course is going private since am unable to register with any NHS dentist in this area. So am just wondering how I'm going to be able to keep the appointments ?

    nyway enough of me.

    How is everyone else coping ?

    Hugs

    Mary
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,128
    Kent
    Hello Mary

    I`m sorry things are no better for you.

    My husband was just like your mother, as far as not having anyone in the house. Our problem was eased when he had a stay in an assessment ward. Now we have regular visits from our CPN and someone from the mental health team.

    I do wish there was a way out for you.

    I`m sorry you`ve had to call it a day with your friend. That seems very cruel. I wish I could suggest something to help.

    It`s good to hear from you again even if the news is not good.

    Love xx
     
  9. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Sylvia

    Hello Sylvia

    How good to hear from you.

    Am sure you can relate having been through similar yourself.

    The CPN called - but was told where to go !

    Just have to carry on until she's unable to make her own decisions. We're in the midst of arranging Power of Attorney and only wished I understood it more as we've had to employ a solicitor and of course the costs are going up and up. Makes me angry when they send unnecessary letters and charge £60 for doing so.

    Sorry me moaning again.

    How on earth do you cope ? Do you have any family to help you ?

    Mary x
     
  10. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    402
    Yorkshire
    HI Mary
    Sorry to hear that things are still as bad as before.
    Your mum sounds just like my dad, nobody can get in the house.
    Is there no way for you and your friend to keep in touch? I'm sure you will have talked the situation through with him. Is it possible to just become friends for now?
    Keep on being strong.
    Love AndreaX
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Mary

    Sorry things are so bad for you. It's a great pity if you have to call of your friendship. Is there no way you can keep it going by webcam until things ease for you? You need the support too.

    Alternatively, could you arrange respite for your mum so that the two of you could have a break together?

    You've probably thought of that and discounted it, sorry!

    £6000 sounds like an awful lot of money for the dentist. I recently pain £181 for a filling and an extraction, and I thought that was extortionate!

    Sorry I can't be of more help. I do sympathise.

    Love,
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    A friend has just pointed out my Freudian slip!:eek:

    Of course I meant paid, but pain is equally appropriate!:D
     
  13. suzanne

    suzanne Registered User

    Jul 25, 2006
    189
    wiltshire
    5yrs

    Katswhiskers ,give yourself the biggest gold star and box of chocolates that you can find, caring without cease is so hard, I too have been [and still am] in the same situation tho' not so difficult as yours is, my solution has been to turn the tables and treat mum as the child and I the parent and it was a long hard lesson to do that, now there is a great deal of calm and enjoyment, mum feels safe and protected and "behaves" and I have regained my sanity. I have been her carer now for 8 years, the last 3 having had to give up my home and job, keep on to your gp at regular intervals, I know ours is only too grateful that ma is kept within her home where the levels of confusion are much reduced, an important thing to get sorted is the power of attorney[enduring] as this will give you some level of control.I hope you find the help you need.
     
  14. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Suzanne

    Hi Suzanne

    Nice to hear from you again.

    It's awful isn't it - that it has to come to this. Yes complete role reversal. Mum is the child - I often think that when putting her pop socks on and think about when she put my spocks and shoes on for school.

    I think Alzheimers is a most cruel disease - especially when it happens to someone so close.

    As you've probably seen from my thread - Mum refuses and help both for herself or me. So the idea of any respite is oit of the question as I have no one at all to stand in for me - even if she allowed them too.

    Am still in touch with Mr Norway - not on webcam - but by e-mail. He's so hurt and so sad but he's seen Mum ah her worst and fully understands thankfully. Suppose it's my fault really for breaking it off as I feel worthless and expected more from him that he could give me in the way of help.

    Never mind - life goes on.

    I wish you well
    xx Mary
     
  15. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Skye

    Your Freudian slip was rather apt. I think some typing mistakes can be rather amusing too.

    As I've just mentioned to Suzanne - there's nothing I can do about any respite unless Mum agrees to someone being here. The thought of leaving her home is out of the question.

    One thing I am rather annoyued about is Social Services - as when they visit Mum has made an effort to dress herself and I do her hair - and it's as if there's nothing wrong with her. They therefore say that she's safe to be left alone. (Yet as soon as they've gone - she's back to being 'childlike' and even speaks with a little weak voice). Mum has forgotten how to use the remote for her TV; even how to boil a kettle or use the microwave or cooker; she comes down in the night because she imagines she's heard the doorbell; she'll come down in the night and go outside the front of the house to look for me - when I'm upstairs in bed. I could go on and on - s am sure you can relate to the same. I consider it very unkind to leave someone alone in that state.

    Speak soon and take care

    Mary x
     
  16. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Oh dear, how many of us know about that!:eek:

    People with dementia seem to retain the ability to put on an act for long after other abilities have gone.

    You know best whether or not your mum is safe to leave, and it's so hard when you can't leave them, but they won't accept anyone else.

    Love and sympathy,
     
  17. suzanne

    suzanne Registered User

    Jul 25, 2006
    189
    wiltshire
    night time wandering

    My sister bought me a wonderful gadget after my mother was returned to me in the middle of the night having wandered the length of the village, it was a pressure mat that lies under neath her bedside rug and whern she stands on it, it sets off abuzzer in my room, so night time wandering is completely controlled and she now waits by the bedroom door for me to appear, best £70 my sister has ever spent [www.easylink co.uk/page11 html] it was DM-02 pressure mat.
     
  18. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Skye

    Wow - I didn't realise that other sufferers did that. I suppose it's part of their childlikebehaviour. Being mischevious and quite artful at times.
    I would love to know - if they are aware of what they're doing. The brain shrinks - but just how much do they understand ? !

    Mary
     
  19. KatsWhiskers

    KatsWhiskers Registered User

    Feb 8, 2007
    153
    Ramsgate - Kent
    Suzanne

    That sounds a great idea. What a wonderful present indeed.

    Mum needs to wee about 3 times during the night - which means I am on the alert with door keys hidden now.

    Am looking into one of these Personal Alarm things - that they wear around their neck - but I wonder whether she will remember how to use it !?

    Gee there's always something.

    Wish I could run away at times - selfish I know. She's 89 and I wonder how long this is going to go on. I pray that her heart gives out before she becomes incapable as she has left ventricular failure.

    I must say though that since she's been on the tranquilers I havn't been attacked physically - thank goodness.

    Mary
     
  20. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Glad you found a solution. In some areas these can be obtained from the local authority (o.t?) but I expect it's the old Postcode lottery again as to who can get one.
    I believe Connie was able to get one last year while Lionel was still at home.
     

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