FTD just gets crueller and crueller

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by Beaky144, Jul 13, 2015.

  1. Beaky144

    Beaky144 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2014
    22
    I took my mums hairdresser to her care home tonight to dye her hair. My mum has always been so proud of her appearance that I'm not going to let her go grey even if she doesn't notice, care or understand. She watched her hair being dyed with fascination like she'd never seen it done before. Then whilst telling me repeatedly that she wants to come home with me she looks me straight in the eyes and says "I hate you". That right there has to be the worst thing so far on this horrible journey. I know my mum loves me. I know she doesn't mean it. But I also know that as long as she can remember who I am she will also think she hates me. I don't think I can cope with this.

    I don't expect anyone to have an answer for how to deal with this. I guess I just needed to get this out.


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  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,526
    Female
    South coast
    Its horrible when they come out with something nasty, but just because she said that today doesnt mean that she will still think it tomorrow, or next week .... This could well be an obsession that will pass.
    You are right, your mum does indeed love you. Please keep reminding yourself, even (especially?) when its hard.
    xx
     
  3. Beaky144

    Beaky144 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2014
    22
    It's hard to think she loves me tonight but I know you are right to say this is something she's said today that she may well have already forgotten or may move on to something else in a few weeks time. It's just so cruel to look at my mum and watch her loosing the fight with such a cruel and horrible illness.

    Thank you for your kind words xx


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  4. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    #4 Lindy50, Jul 13, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2015
    Oh Beaky, I'm so sorry :(

    I don't have any comparable direct experience to share, nor any advice, I'm afraid. I have had some nasty comments from my mum when I've insisted she has care, though....I feel somehow that she is distressed by, and resents the fact that I can see she needs help....and that she hates no longer being a mum to me, in the way she used to be. This can come out as nastiness, partly because she can't express herself fully. All speculation on my part, as she can't explain those comments or looks, but I wonder might your mum be feeling some of these things?

    It is a mighty cruel disease, for you and for your mum :( Like Canary, though, I would think it's unlikely that your mum will continue to feel this way. She may have forgotten it already.....but of course, you never will.

    I hope things improve for you soon :) Getting your mum's hair done like that is such a kind thing to do, you don't deserve the reaction you got.

    Sending you ((((hugs))))

    Lindy xx
     
  5. FiveWords

    FiveWords Registered User

    Jul 30, 2011
    87
    I have a similar experience to Lindy50. My dad would often get upset and agitated around me and ask me if I was leaving soon and snap at me, telling me I wasn't doing enough to help him. It turned out he was upset because he thought (correctly) that his illness was upsetting me and (incorrectly) that it was his fault, and he wanted me to leave so he could run away from the guilt. My sister and I talked to him and explained that we were perfectly happy (white lie) and we loved spending time with him as it made us even more happy (true). We didn't honestly expect him to understand, but he did and is no longer cantankerous or mean with us and spends our visits with a smile on his face. He will still snap occasionally but I got used to it, it no longer wounds the way it once did. Instead, I feel sympathy for him as I know he must be feeling down to have said that. I give him a hug in response. Xxx
     
  6. Beaky144

    Beaky144 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2014
    22
    My mum hates being in her care home and continuously tells me that she can do everything herself and doesn't need any help or carers. I suspect her annoyance and frustration that she takes out on me is because it's how she's feeling inside i.e. annoyed that she is in a care home. The reality is she needs help with showering, dressing, eating and hears voices that tell her all sorts of things that if she was left on her own/without supervision would put her in severe danger.

    I know she is in the best place but it breaks my heart that she is so unhappy and no matter what we say to her she doesn't understand.

    Thanks for your messages it beings me comfort to know I am not alone in dealing with this. Xx


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