Frustration

Carrie Anne

Registered User
Sep 7, 2011
67
0
Wiltshire
My Mum is suffering increasingly with depression. I speak to her daily on the phone and visit two or three times a week. When she is down she really is in the doldrums, she complains that she is very lonely and can't bear looking at the same four walls day in day out. She would rather be dead. She complains in such a way that my patience is pretty non existent these days, the same grumbles and moans for about 10 years now. She angrily resents the 15 minute carer visits each day and constantly tells me to cancel them, they sort out her medication each morning and check that all is well she hates the intrusion and seems to think all her memory issues are because she has 'all these women coming in day in day out'. If they just left her alone all would be well(!)

Two things were on her calendar this week, a church club on Thursday and a church dinner tomorrow..... and still she complains. Oh I don't want to go, I'd rather stay here with my own company etc etc.

Today we had the same conversation we often have:

Mum I'm thinking of selling the house and going into a home

Me; oh right

Mum; what do you think

Me; well I can see the advantages, you would have more company and people to talk to

Mum; ha, I don't want to talk to a lot of silly old ladies and sit there watching their telly programmes

Me; well you would probably have a telly in your room if you wanted to watch your favourites

Mum ; I don't want to sit in a room all on my own. Anyway if you think youre going to put me into a home you can forget it I'm staying here.

Me; ok it was your idea though mum

Mum; I just wanted to see your reaction.

Talk about frustrating conversations it's driving me round the bend.
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
0
My Mum is suffering increasingly with depression. I speak to her daily on the phone and visit two or three times a week. When she is down she really is in the doldrums, she complains that she is very lonely and can't bear looking at the same four walls day in day out. She would rather be dead. She complains in such a way that my patience is pretty non existent these days, the same grumbles and moans for about 10 years now. She angrily resents the 15 minute carer visits each day and constantly tells me to cancel them, they sort out her medication each morning and check that all is well she hates the intrusion and seems to think all her memory issues are because she has 'all these women coming in day in day out'. If they just left her alone all would be well(!)

Two things were on her calendar this week, a church club on Thursday and a church dinner tomorrow..... and still she complains. Oh I don't want to go, I'd rather stay here with my own company etc etc.

Today we had the same conversation we often have:

Mum I'm thinking of selling the house and going into a home

Me; oh right

Mum; what do you think

Me; well I can see the advantages, you would have more company and people to talk to

Mum; ha, I don't want to talk to a lot of silly old ladies and sit there watching their telly programmes

Me; well you would probably have a telly in your room if you wanted to watch your favourites

Mum ; I don't want to sit in a room all on my own. Anyway if you think youre going to put me into a home you can forget it I'm staying here.

Me; ok it was your idea though mum

Mum; I just wanted to see your reaction.

Talk about frustrating conversations it's driving me round the bend.

To me your Mum's converstation is saying what she doesn't really want to say or admit to but she knows is a reality i.e. that she needs care in a home. Of course she doesn't really want it but there could be positives and the 'I just wanted to see your reaction' is the fact that she knows you are the one that would have to arrange it as she can't do it for herself i.e. now way could she cognitively or logistically cope with selling the house so how would you go about it. I would strike while the iron is hot it may only become more difficult.

Only my thoughts hope you don't mind me sharing them.
Best wishes
Sue
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,064
0
Salford
I'd go and look (on your own) at some local retirement flats and if you can find something you think may work then take her to see it. Not a carehome, but a flat in a retirement block, your own front door but a day room if you want it. Living alongside other people in a community with them could improve her quality of life. Getting up and spending the day on your own must be soul destroyingly boring even if you're not a naturally sociable person.
K
 

Carrie Anne

Registered User
Sep 7, 2011
67
0
Wiltshire
Yes I did start to go down that path and I thought I'd found the ideal flats in a perfect location. When I spoke to the lady in charge though it became obvious that I had missed the boat really. She thought that the set up they had there would not be suitable for mum at all at her stage.

The only extra care facilities are in a town about 8 miles away which mum is not familiar with at all. I came to the conclusion that the fewer moves mum had to make at her time of life and her anxiety levels the better, but it's true to say the care homes I have seen are for people further along the dementia road than she is. So I'm a bit stuck really.
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
0
Yes I did start to go down that path and I thought I'd found the ideal flats in a perfect location. When I spoke to the lady in charge though it became obvious that I had missed the boat really. She thought that the set up they had there would not be suitable for mum at all at her stage.

The only extra care facilities are in a town about 8 miles away which mum is not familiar with at all. I came to the conclusion that the fewer moves mum had to make at her time of life and her anxiety levels the better, but it's true to say the care homes I have seen are for people further along the dementia road than she is. So I'm a bit stuck really.

I think you're right the fewer moves the better. I think the reason it is so hard for people sometimes to be willing to make the move to a care home when they know they need more constant care and support is because there is little 'intermediate' care. I have come across homes in the past where they have a number of small flatlets as part of the home so they have the support they want to accept if they need it e.g. can have meals in the home if they wish and as their needs get more they are familiar with the home should they need to be moved into it when they need more nursing care. People remain far more independent for longer when they have this type of set up and in my experience reduces their symptoms. They are no longer isolated but with other who are exhibiting the same difficulties they do so don't feel so 'alien' either and also don't feel they are a burden to their families whihc no one ever wants.

Maybe if you said to your Mum, 'Selling the hose and moving would be a big challenge for us wouldn't it' i.e. share 'her' burden she may feel you understand her thinking even though it is hard for her to admit it to herself. Of course she may well come back with, 'I'm not going anywhere' but the seed will have been sown and she will know you're on her side rather than trying to 'put' her in a home. Never easy though.
 

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