frustrating visit, recent bereavement

eireann8

Registered User
Aug 22, 2013
11
0
Hi, I've just returned from Ireland where I took my aunt who has earliesh AD away for two days - she's been in a NH since Nov. 12. I found it a difficult, stressful experience and really would like to tell people who know what it's like! My aunt, M has also been diagnosed as psychotic - mainly around thinking people have stolen things, especially when she looses things. All her symptoms are better since NH admission and she actually seems a lot happier than Ive seen her for a long time. I should also say that M. has always been a pretty challenging, often manipulative personality - I think I saw some of her behaviour during the 2 days as just that whereas in fact I now wonder if its not more likely to be due to the AD/psychosis. For example, M was keen to do several things in her home town such as visiting people - on the last morning when time was tight as I was flying to London that evening, I was trying to keep her on the move - firstly to get us to her friends' house and secondly to get us back to the hotel in time to eat lunch, in time to get the taxi back to the NH, in time for me to get a bus to the airport! M seemed perversely determined to delay at every step, insisting for example on looking at pictures in her friends' hall. So, I ended up adopting an encouraging, maternal approach whilst worrying about deadlines and just managing to keep a lid on my irritation! I now wonder if rather than taking responsibility for her getting to see her friends, I'd have been better just to let her stay chatting to the bed and breakfast owner and let the visit go? Or politely explain the alternatives and the consequences of delaying? Actually, I did that but clearly made no impression on M! I felt I got too stressed about it. I think I was also expecting a rational response which I think was setting myself up for frustration. Ive seen the AD www notes about not arguing with people with AD but rather distracting them which seems the way to go.

The first day we spent together was easier, partly because there were no deadlines. The second day was more difficult, partly because I discovered - on the third morning- that she had dropped and therefore not taken one of her tablets (Seroquel, described as anti-psychotic). A friend of my mother's took us out for the afternoon - M took offence very easily with really no provocation; that night her earring broke and that and a suggestion that she wear different ones was met with outraged shouting. Although, as I said her behaviour in the past has often considered 'difficult', I was taken aback by this - my mother's friend and I ignored the offence taking - it was easier with another person present. I did say, in response to the 'earring outrage', 'Why are you shouting?', though in a fairly calm way. Fortunately, that night there was an 'Irish night' in the hotel - M loves music and singing so that took the pressure off for a few hours! I know the untaken tablet was a factor but I was surprised at the apparent deterioration in her behaviour.

Generally, she was reasonably well orientated - I think because the B & B was previously her family home and we were largely in her home town - but there were a few occasions when she was'lost' and asked where she was, where we were going etc. I didnt find that too difficult because my grandmother - who also had AD - lived with us so, I expect this as part of AD. Granny 'wandered' and wanted to go home always but was generally fairly easy to manage. Another aunt also had AD but her illness advanced very quickly after an accident and she was virtually bed bound and non- verbal for several years before she died so, again a rather different scenario from M.

My stress - and distress - surprised me too because I was a nurse for many years - not specifically in AD but Ive encountered many people with the illness - I guess its different when its one of your own. Also, my Dad died just four weeks ago - after a long illness - I was glad his suffering was over and he was 89. But still loosing Dad, though not as sad as loosing my 'young at heart' Mam (79) to cancer ( Nov 11) feels like my foundation has been rocked. Maybe seeing M's evident deterioration and the challenge in being with her was more 'rocking' of my foundation. She is the last living relative from my mother's family.

Finally - and thanks if youve read this far - my aunt really enjoyed the two days so that was a big plus. Myself and my two sisters and brother, though all living quite far away from M want to support her - mainly because my mother worked hard to keep her included in our family circle - any thoughts on how to keep sane in her company would be appreciated! (I do appreciate most people are dealing with much more difficult situations.) I should add M does have very local regular visitors too - her former home help continues to see her in the NH and other friends and more distant relatives visit too.

Thank you!
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
Hi and welcome to TP, I'm sorry your aunt has been diagnosed with AD. It's a damned awful disease.

I wanted to say how good it was of you to take your aunt away, I'd have run a mile at the mere suggestion of taking my mum any further than the shops. It must have been a stressful time but you've come out of the other end and your aunt is happy. That's so kind of you. Also I'm sorry to hear your dad passed away not so long ago, you seem to have been dealing with a lot these past 2/3 years.

Keep posting on TP, there lots of help and support and lots of virtual ears to listen of you want a good old rant.

Take care
Sharon x x