• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Frustrated

Kingswell

New member
Apr 1, 2020
1
My husband won’t accept his situation. Blames me. I don’t ask/explain things corrrectly. So we argue, then it’s my fault too, because I shout. Everyday we have some sort scene. My home has become a battle ground. From the moment he gets up, I have to tell him to shower, change his underpants,socks. Which he questions then argues. The day goes well until I correct him. I know I’ve got to stop arguing and correcting. He’s had this for 6 years, was actually diagnosed last year. He has unspecified Dementia. He’s 74 now, physically fit, if getting thin. His last cognitive score was 61/100. He still drives. I know he gets lost at times. He doesn’t tell me much. I can’t take his driving away, I’m hoping that the doctors will, when they deem it necessary. He was always very occupied, he read, did gardening, no job was a problem any diy job he did easily. He can’t now, but thinks he can gets incredibly angry when I call someone in. Makes me nervous. He’s not a nasty or violent man but his frustration makes him very hard to deal with? How long does this terrible thing take, when will he be easier to deal with? I’m fed up talking to all the society’s and getting nowhere. He takes 11 pills a day, he has controlled Angina, he’s had a heart bypass, so he’s on all associated pills, as well as gout pills, a memory pill, which I don’t think does anything. I have to supervise his pills, they come in a blister pack, but he often gets that wrong now. I can’t get away for a break, he wouldn’t accept carers. Our grown up children will help but even that’s difficult for him to accept. This is my first time so I seem to have opened up myself and my problems, which I’m sure aren’t unique to me alone.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,789
69
Dundee
Good morning and welcome to the forum @Kingswell.

I’m so sorry to read about your situation. I’m glad you’ve found the forum and have opened up to share with us. You will find lots of help and support here and as you say your problems are not unique to you alone.

Lots of members have found this thread helpful in terms of communicating with their loved one. It might be worth a read -

 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,383
cornwall
My husband won’t accept his situation. Blames me. I don’t ask/explain things corrrectly. So we argue, then it’s my fault too, because I shout. Everyday we have some sort scene. My home has become a battle ground. From the moment he gets up, I have to tell him to shower, change his underpants,socks. Which he questions then argues. The day goes well until I correct him. I know I’ve got to stop arguing and correcting. He’s had this for 6 years, was actually diagnosed last year. He has unspecified Dementia. He’s 74 now, physically fit, if getting thin. His last cognitive score was 61/100. He still drives. I know he gets lost at times. He doesn’t tell me much. I can’t take his driving away, I’m hoping that the doctors will, when they deem it necessary. He was always very occupied, he read, did gardening, no job was a problem any diy job he did easily. He can’t now, but thinks he can gets incredibly angry when I call someone in. Makes me nervous. He’s not a nasty or violent man but his frustration makes him very hard to deal with? How long does this terrible thing take, when will he be easier to deal with? I’m fed up talking to all the society’s and getting nowhere. He takes 11 pills a day, he has controlled Angina, he’s had a heart bypass, so he’s on all associated pills, as well as gout pills, a memory pill, which I don’t think does anything. I have to supervise his pills, they come in a blister pack, but he often gets that wrong now. I can’t get away for a break, he wouldn’t accept carers. Our grown up children will help but even that’s difficult for him to accept. This is my first time so I seem to have opened up myself and my problems, which I’m sure aren’t unique to me alone.
Morning @Kingswell .
I don’t have a partner but I care for my dad (I don’t live with him )with the help of carers.
Dad has carers 4X a day as he cannot walk without a frame and somebody with him.
He has Vascular Dementia and is 86.
I have had the same problem with dad for years.Dad was diagnosed in 2016.
I used to send dad to daycare so he got a shower once a month (he hasn’t been for months )he has a strip wash.
Sometimes he wears the same clothes for days even with the carers as when asked his reply is”I’m not going anywhere so who cares” when he replies like that I leave it.
It only gets me wound up and puts his back up.I have learnt to pick my battles as the only one getting stressed is me.
Dad has a stroke so he got stopped by the doctor and DVLA.He will never drive again and tbh it is a relief as he was dangerous before the stroke.
But I got the fault for it!
I have tried the compassionate communication with him . It works for a bit . Dad sounds very similar to your OH. Dad is always right no matter. He will do what he wants ,when he wants. Except now he cannot because of walking etc.
The “stage “with your OH can last a while so be prepared. Good luck
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
534
My husband won’t accept his situation. Blames me. I don’t ask/explain things corrrectly. So we argue, then it’s my fault too, because I shout. Everyday we have some sort scene. My home has become a battle ground. From the moment he gets up, I have to tell him to shower, change his underpants,socks. Which he questions then argues. The day goes well until I correct him. I know I’ve got to stop arguing and correcting. He’s had this for 6 years, was actually diagnosed last year. He has unspecified Dementia. He’s 74 now, physically fit, if getting thin. His last cognitive score was 61/100. He still drives. I know he gets lost at times. He doesn’t tell me much. I can’t take his driving away, I’m hoping that the doctors will, when they deem it necessary. He was always very occupied, he read, did gardening, no job was a problem any diy job he did easily. He can’t now, but thinks he can gets incredibly angry when I call someone in. Makes me nervous. He’s not a nasty or violent man but his frustration makes him very hard to deal with? How long does this terrible thing take, when will he be easier to deal with? I’m fed up talking to all the society’s and getting nowhere. He takes 11 pills a day, he has controlled Angina, he’s had a heart bypass, so he’s on all associated pills, as well as gout pills, a memory pill, which I don’t think does anything. I have to supervise his pills, they come in a blister pack, but he often gets that wrong now. I can’t get away for a break, he wouldn’t accept carers. Our grown up children will help but even that’s difficult for him to accept. This is my first time so I seem to have opened up myself and my problems, which I’m sure aren’t unique to me alone.
Hi @Kingswell difficult times for both of you, part of your husband's anger and non acceptance might be fear of the disease and what's going to happen to him - it must be terrifying for the PWD till it gets to the stage where they don't understand what dementia is. That's a lot of pills to be on as well, you don't know if there is any reaction to them all interacting in the body - hopefully you get a regular GP appointment to check the meds?

Sadly your problems aren't unique. I used to have the arguments about showering but my partner just accepts now when I tell him to shower (4 and a bit years since diagnosis). I automatically put out his clean clothes and help him dress and brush his teeth. He does get very angry quite often and mood swings - sometimes if I'm tired I do bite back but I try not to as it's pointless to get into an argument. He's so bored, takes all my time to try and find things for him to do but there is now so little that he can do, won't even watch TV, it's the most difficult aspect of this for me because his constant refrain is 'what can I do', 'can I get a job', 'there's nothing', 'I've got nothing', 'no-one looks after me' !!!

Your husband really shouldn't be driving, it's dangerous for others as well as himself - can you get him to have a test? I did that with my partner as he wouldn't accept that he shouldn't be driving, very reluctantly he accepted the result and advice of the examiner and gave up driving but it was a struggle to get him to see it. It's been about 3 years since he's driven and he's now quite used to me driving him around.

Like your husband, my partner hated having someone in to mow the lawn and is always of suspicious of anyone coming into the house to do jobs. Very reluctantly he accepts carers but is often quite nasty to them. Sadly they change personality so much, it becomes hard to remember how they used to be and you end up being more of a mum to them, always issuing instructions - sigh.
Good luck - it's a difficult road, try walking out of the room when he's getting angry, that's what I do.
 

JOSK

New member
Apr 2, 2020
2
My husband won’t accept his situation. Blames me. I don’t ask/explain things corrrectly. So we argue, then it’s my fault too, because I shout. Everyday we have some sort scene. My home has become a battle ground. From the moment he gets up, I have to tell him to shower, change his underpants,socks. Which he questions then argues. The day goes well until I correct him. I know I’ve got to stop arguing and correcting. He’s had this for 6 years, was actually diagnosed last year. He has unspecified Dementia. He’s 74 now, physically fit, if getting thin. His last cognitive score was 61/100. He still drives. I know he gets lost at times. He doesn’t tell me much. I can’t take his driving away, I’m hoping that the doctors will, when they deem it necessary. He was always very occupied, he read, did gardening, no job was a problem any diy job he did easily. He can’t now, but thinks he can gets incredibly angry when I call someone in. Makes me nervous. He’s not a nasty or violent man but his frustration makes him very hard to deal with? How long does this terrible thing take, when will he be easier to deal with? I’m fed up talking to all the society’s and getting nowhere. He takes 11 pills a day, he has controlled Angina, he’s had a heart bypass, so he’s on all associated pills, as well as gout pills, a memory pill, which I don’t think does anything. I have to supervise his pills, they come in a blister pack, but he often gets that wrong now. I can’t get away for a break, he wouldn’t accept carers. Our grown up children will help but even that’s difficult for him to accept. This is my first time so I seem to have opened up myself and my problems, which I’m sure aren’t unique to me alone.
 

JOSK

New member
Apr 2, 2020
2
This is the first time I've accessed this site and your was the first post I read-it could have me writing!
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,789
69
Dundee
This is the first time I've accessed this sit and your was the first post I read-it could have me writing!
Welcome to the forum @JOSK. Now that you've found us have a good look around. You'll find lots of help and support here. You that you've found us you might want to think about starting your own thread in the I Have A Partner with Dementia area of the forum.


You can tell us a bit about yourself, ask questions, share concerns - and even just have a rant if you want to!



Keep posting!
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
Just been reading your post, and I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties. Arguments seem to be the order of the day, I’m afraid. My husband has become more and more argumentative or perhaps I’m more aware of it as I realise his limitations far more than he does. If I ask him to do something, It seems that his answer is always No, then it’s ‘what’s the question?’
As regards the driving, that is the hairiest problem of all. Don’t forget that once you have a diagnosis of dementia, one should inform the DVLA, and they will take the next steps. In our case, they organised an assessment for my husband, which he passed and could continue to drive. Then his dementia got worse, and the mental health doctor told him he must stop driving!!! He went mad, and has never got over it !
He hasn’t driven for 2 years now, but some days he still goes mad about it and is now refusing to come to see the doctor again!! But I know hassle at home is much safer than him behind the wheel!!!!
 

Buteo

Registered User
Mar 20, 2019
67
Dementia often causes changes in mood and attitude, as well as maybe exacerbating some traits that were always there! My wife has become extremely argumentative, even though she doesn't know what she's arguing about! "No, I don't have to, we haven't got time, why should I, you can't make me, why are you saying this rubbish?"
The thing is, it's not you, it's dementia. Remember to breathe deeply, wait a couple of minutes and start again - but we all snap sometimes! Forgive yourself and carry on.
 

Windy28

Registered User
Jan 8, 2020
81
My husband won’t accept his situation. Blames me. I don’t ask/explain things corrrectly. So we argue, then it’s my fault too, because I shout. Everyday we have some sort scene. My home has become a battle ground. From the moment he gets up, I have to tell him to shower, change his underpants,socks. Which he questions then argues. The day goes well until I correct him. I know I’ve got to stop arguing and correcting. He’s had this for 6 years, was actually diagnosed last year. He has unspecified Dementia. He’s 74 now, physically fit, if getting thin. His last cognitive score was 61/100. He still drives. I know he gets lost at times. He doesn’t tell me much. I can’t take his driving away, I’m hoping that the doctors will, when they deem it necessary. He was always very occupied, he read, did gardening, no job was a problem any diy job he did easily. He can’t now, but thinks he can gets incredibly angry when I call someone in. Makes me nervous. He’s not a nasty or violent man but his frustration makes him very hard to deal with? How long does this terrible thing take, when will he be easier to deal with? I’m fed up talking to all the society’s and getting nowhere. He takes 11 pills a day, he has controlled Angina, he’s had a heart bypass, so he’s on all associated pills, as well as gout pills, a memory pill, which I don’t think does anything. I have to supervise his pills, they come in a blister pack, but he often gets that wrong now. I can’t get away for a break, he wouldn’t accept carers. Our grown up children will help but even that’s difficult for him to accept. This is my first time so I seem to have opened up myself and my problems, which I’m sure aren’t unique to me alone.
 

Windy28

Registered User
Jan 8, 2020
81
Good morning Kingwell

i too am in the same boat as you. I have recently been where you are now. This is the best place to come to for help, support, questions answered and to rant. Please get it all of your chest, but please keep coming back to this community whom will help you in anyway they can.

Take care of yourself too.
 

Joyful

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
17
My situation is similar . The number of times I have to repeat myself to get him washed and dressed. This morning it took about an hour to get him washed and dressed as he refused to do anything I asked him to. Then he gets aggressive. Unfortunately this morning I shouted which I try not to do but we are only human. I walked into another room for 5 mins To save any further aggression which has happened before.

Take care x
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,138
Victoria, Australia
In the three years before my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's he was terrible and would argue with me over everything and nothing. It is now six years since those days and if anyone asked me what would be the best bit of advice I have ever received it would be not to waste my time and energy in arguing with him.

It takes two people to have an argument and you can never win an argument with a person who has dementia. Arguing simply adds fuel to the fire and no doubt adds to your husband's agitation. You need to remember that asking a lot of of people with dementia will result in the a definite NO as it seems to be the default position for them to take.

In my opinion, if you can learn to give a calm response and walk away you will help him to stay calm too. If I asked my husband a simple question he would immediately think I was accusing him of something so I had to work out a different way of getting my message across.

What works for me is to talk to him as if we are merely having a conversation so even if he is annoying hell out of me, I keep that hidden. I know he tunes into any sign of anger or irritation,and he responds very badly to it and trouble erupts.

And he should not be driving.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
228
I have cut and paste the information below from a web site.
I personally would not let a partner with dementia find out I had anything to do with them being no longer being able to drive.
I would ask the GP to help.
If you can keep and hide a driving licence it has value as identification for years to come.

is important to recognise that the person is probably not being deliberately difficult. Instead, the dementia itself may mean that the person does not realise how their symptoms affect their driving. In some cases the person may be in denial about their diagnosis, or keep forgetting that their licence has been cancelled.
In such cases the person’s doctor or family should write in confidence
to DVLA/DVA. The agency will follow things up with the local police. Many carers choose to hide the car keys or – if these are options – sell the car or park it where it is not a constant visible reminder. If you are supporting a person with dementia who is refusing to stop driving and need help, call Alzheimer’s Society’s National Dementia Helpline on 0300 222 1122 or talk to others on the online discussion forum, Talking Point.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
534
How I recognise everything you've all written. Stupidly this morning I got angry with my partner - he'd been snoring most of the night because he can't seem to keep his head on the pillow, it ends up almost hanging over the side of the bed. Then from 6 am he was awake and tossing turning, getting angry, scratching, complaining - basically he couldn't sleep so was angry/frustrated because he didn't know how to get up and get dressed. So I didn't have any sleep (except for about 15 mins with a very bizarre dream about Donald Trump!!!). So eventually at 8 am I got up, shouted at him for being selfish and put him in the shower. Well pointless of course to end up in an argument, just makes him more angry, he denies everything, it wasn't him..... and now he's falling asleep after his breakfast. I can cope with most things when I've had enough sleep but not if I'm tired. Oh well, at least the sun's shining.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,183
South coast
The driving is the hardest problem. Having dementia does not automatically mean that the PWD cannot drive, but it is mandatory to inform DVLA. If they are not informed then the insurance becomes invalid. You can inform DVLA in confidence, so that he wont know that it is you. He may guess, but you can blame the doctors.
 

Sunshine2*

Registered User
May 16, 2019
85
How I recognise everything you've all written. Stupidly this morning I got angry with my partner - he'd been snoring most of the night because he can't seem to keep his head on the pillow, it ends up almost hanging over the side of the bed. Then from 6 am he was awake and tossing turning, getting angry, scratching, complaining - basically he couldn't sleep so was angry/frustrated because he didn't know how to get up and get dressed. So I didn't have any sleep (except for about 15 mins with a very bizarre dream about Donald Trump!!!). So eventually at 8 am I got up, shouted at him for being selfish and put him in the shower. Well pointless of course to end up in an argument, just makes him more angry, he denies everything, it wasn't him..... and now he's falling asleep after his breakfast. I can cope with most things when I've had enough sleep but not if I'm tired. Oh well, at least the sun's shining.
Hello, Reading your post, it just feels like I’ve written it myself. As everyone states, no point in arguing anymore, he just wears me out, I just go into another room, although I have to follow him around as he is prone to falls most days with his MS & Dementia. Also needs to try and poo at least ten times a day. At least he has an indwelling catheter now, as for years he wanted a wee every ten minutes and had to self-catheterise. I have trouble getting him to wash his hands if he hasn’t had a poo. I’ve told him every visit to the bathroom whether successful or not, warrants handwashing and then his angry behaviour restarts...
I send you all my best wishes.