Hi. Havent posted for a long time, mum had settled in nicely with us. Even got her to go to respite another story but she settled came home and re settled back in the house. Anyway my husband and I and kids (14 and twins 11) been looking after her throughout the school holiday. Husband and i taking alternative days off to look after them all. Anyway this week both of us had to go back to work arranged with my work for me to only work mornings and for me temporarily to bring work home in afternoon due to kids and mum. Mum saying shes fine with kids, kids saying they are fine with mum sandwiches snacks sorted off to work we both go. Lunch time before im due to come home with work phonecall distressed 14 year old saying police have called in that someone had called social services and they had sent the police out that i had left children with a vilnerable person. ( think its a family member) as they would only know that i was going back to work, Anyway I got home phoned the police up they were happy to close the case as they felt that the kids oldest 14 was mature enough with grannie, and lucky that grannie was having a good day and she was fine and talkative. She has slightly improved since moving in, no apparent danger at all, plus i mentioned i had a friend nearby on call should any problems arrive. Apparently ok me to carry on with this set up no crime has been commited etc nice to see a family unit working together to help each other. But im still spitting feathers about this anon person who made this call and running what if scenarios through my head. Grannie used to look after the children years ago before she went ill, kids adore her since shes moved in run ing around making cups of tea for her etc. really shaken me up as ive got work for another week, we are off on hols again week after tsking gran with is (give it a go). Do i just shrug it off as a misunderstanding of someone to overley concerned. I appreciate that the illness shes got she is not getting better and will get worse, there may come a time when I wont be able to look after her etc. in september when kids will be back to school and i will be back to work poor gran will be on her own except for a carer calling in so another worry as she will miss the company she has had during school hols.
Frustrated police called
- Thread starter Hengell
- Start date
It is a shame if it is a family member that they did not speak openly to you about their concerns and even offer to help!!!
Perhaps you are going to have to consider more care for your mother when the children are not there, perhaps one to call in over lunch time.
Many people with dementia are left for hours on their own, You will know if and when you consider her to be vulnerable.
I am glad your children love her, and care for her,
Jeannette
Perhaps you are going to have to consider more care for your mother when the children are not there, perhaps one to call in over lunch time.
Many people with dementia are left for hours on their own, You will know if and when you consider her to be vulnerable.
I am glad your children love her, and care for her,
Jeannette
there are many young carers in this world, young carers who look after siblings, or a parent. Good on your children for being willing to help and support, play their part in the family unit. Also thank goodness the police saw sense - What on earth was this anon person hoping to gain? Why, if they had a concern, didn't this anon person offer some help? PEOPLE!!!
You should certainly be very proud of your children. Hope holiday goes well and you manage to get some relaxation.
You should certainly be very proud of your children. Hope holiday goes well and you manage to get some relaxation.
hi hengal sorry bout the nosey parker , but when kids go back to school what about contacting crossroads? they will come for as many hours as you need them to , will act as a befriender to your mum go shopping with her if shes able sit with her if shes not. cant remember what they charge I seem to think its £30 a day. but enquire in your area it may be less or more. good luck juniepoonie
I think your arrangements were fine, given that you were due to come home in the afternoon. To some extent our response to your dilemma is cultural. I believe that in the USA to leave under-age children alone with someone who was not fully responsible would be a criminal offence. I suppose you just need to think through the following, as a risk assessment:
Have you got a written emergency plan? Your children must know what to do in case of injury or illness / fire / other domestic emergency / threat from outsiders. It is useful to write things down and to practice a drill. Often a young person will do the wrong thing, or fail to do the right thing, for fear of embarassment or criticism. They need to know that it is better to sound the alert and for it to be a false alarm than to leave things to become a crisis that may have life-threatening implications.
Just as an example, what would happen if their grannie decided to go off for a walk on her own? Would this be OK because she'd know how to get home? Would the 11-year olds behave properly in the sole charge of the 14-year old? Or would the children scatter in all directions looking for grannie and forgetting to tell anyone what was going on, so that you'd come home to an empty house and complete panic stations?
It needs discussion and planning so that they can all cope with abnormal situations as well as normal situations.
- a) does your 14-year old understand that s/he is actually in charge of everyone, because a grandparent with dementia can advise based on life-experience but cannot actually take responsibility due to diminished mental capacity.
- b) does the back-up adult (neighbour) understand that they are on call and must be available at all times during their period of cover i.e. when you or your husband are absent?
- c) should THIS 14-year old be in charge of THIS vulnerable elderly adult? What are the specific risks with your Mum's behaviour or needs?
- d) should THIS 14-year old be in charge of these 11-year olds? What are the specific risks with their behaviour or needs?
Have you got a written emergency plan? Your children must know what to do in case of injury or illness / fire / other domestic emergency / threat from outsiders. It is useful to write things down and to practice a drill. Often a young person will do the wrong thing, or fail to do the right thing, for fear of embarassment or criticism. They need to know that it is better to sound the alert and for it to be a false alarm than to leave things to become a crisis that may have life-threatening implications.
Just as an example, what would happen if their grannie decided to go off for a walk on her own? Would this be OK because she'd know how to get home? Would the 11-year olds behave properly in the sole charge of the 14-year old? Or would the children scatter in all directions looking for grannie and forgetting to tell anyone what was going on, so that you'd come home to an empty house and complete panic stations?
It needs discussion and planning so that they can all cope with abnormal situations as well as normal situations.
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Yes emergency plan in place neighbour on call, and my phone number if major panic. Our house is also wired up to careline with emergency buttons for mum for when shes will be alone plus fire sensors alarms carbon monoxide testers. Door sensors on doors. Fire extinguishers have been shown how to use etc also know which windows to escape from. Kids told to keep doors locked when We are not there and if they are unlocked to put sensors on incase mum escapes of they are busy with x box lol . She has not gone anywhere yet but always a first time. Usually got my mothers carer from her old house to call in as well every day but this week she was on holiday but back next week she calls in daily for an hour etc, keep mum in routinr. Nearly like fort knok lol. Also got security cameras with motion detectors but they are not wired up yet lol. Mum had a few thefts years ago so brought them down with us as a detterant when she moved.
sounds to me as if you have done a good job . Just try to ignore that busybody who reported you.
Jeannette
Jeannette
I'm so impressed with you and your family, Hengell. Your Mum is a lucky lady to have such a marvellous, loving family surrounding her. I felt so disheartened for you when you talked about the viper in the nest. My partner, Janet, has three cousins who never bother to ask how she is getting on, but I'm very aware they could make mischief if they chose. That was why I made sure a friend of ours was made co-attorney with me when we set up Janet's POA.
Keep up the great work with your Mum.
David
Keep up the great work with your Mum.
David
Im doing the best that i can, I take one day at a time. Im an only child so no support apart from my husband and Kids. Obviously if mum deteriorates and we cannot cope, she will have to go into a care home for now we are muddling along. I think the person who reported us is my mums 2nd cousin, no proof but just a gut instict, as she is the only one in contact with us, and would know my work pattern etc and that mum has moved in, plus she has been a bit cagey on the phone, I havent shown her that the police have called etc. Im trying to be civil and non confrontational incase its not her she is elderly herself, and is renowned for phoning ss up on different matters. Unfortunatelyb her son does not do anything with her unless he is in trouble , I do wonder if she is a bit envious that i have taken my mum in etc. But am very careful what I say on the phone to her now and its hard being cherpy with whats happened. In one way will be glad when kids are back in school then ive got the other worry of mum on her own in the house with only the carer calling till im home. Am considering going part time but have been told that once i commit to that i cant go back full time in my existing post if things dont work out and mum has to go into care.
I would be furious too. It's not like your children are 6 or something. 14 is definiely an age you can leave a child at home without a responsible adult. That is terrible that someone would do that. What 11 or 14 year old can't use a phone if they need help? What 11 or 14 year old can't call an ambulance or a police if required? It sounds to me that you have all possible precuations in place and your kids are old enough to stay home. If they were younger, sure, but they know how to handle themselves at that age.
I agree with everyone else and was not criticising the OP, who obviously does have an emergency plan. With regard to whether a 14-year old can be left home alone, Yes they can, but this 14-year old was NOT alone, s/he was with a less than responsible adult who has her own needs and behaviours, plus two 11-year olds. The risks multiply the more people involved.
Home alone is not the same thing as home with 3 other people who need supervision and support. That is why the back-up neighbour is essential, and the OP has got this covered. This was a short period during the day. If the situation had been overnight then the police might have taken a different view. It sounds as if they were very sensible and supportive to the OP.
Home alone is not the same thing as home with 3 other people who need supervision and support. That is why the back-up neighbour is essential, and the OP has got this covered. This was a short period during the day. If the situation had been overnight then the police might have taken a different view. It sounds as if they were very sensible and supportive to the OP.
I think that kids can be great with grandparents and if they're all happy your arrangement is sensible and safe. Many of us molly coddle our children far too much and I'm sure your 3 are just as capable at dealing with day to day emergencies as many adults. I work with secondary school children and am constantly impressed and amazed by what some of them deal with. So long as you all keep talking and they know they can tell you if they need a break it should all be fine. We had my aunt with AD living with us when my 3 were something like 14, 12 and 9 and they certainly looked after her for me with total competence at various times. Of course I always had my mobile on and they always knew where I was (looking after my mum also AD) mostly. Just stick to your guns if it's working.
