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Frustrated....help

Jackrank

New member
Jul 29, 2020
1
Hi , I have recently bought my mum to live with me, she is 93 with dementia,
Since the move her memory is failing her faster
I must admit although not proud to, feeling more frustrated with her, she doesn't stop talking and being so repetitive. Bless her I know she cannot help it. She has been with me 4months now.
Keeps saying she's going home , she thinks she's with me on holiday and going to see relatives that passed 40years ago.
How can i cope with the constant talking of going home, when I say constant I mean 10times every half hr
Thanks so.much
Jacky
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
80
Alas this is the carer's unhappy lot. It sounds like a bad case. You will have to decide whether you can cope and nobody would blame you if you decided that you could not. Care homes exist to look after people who cannot be cared for at home. Few people would wreck their own lives to be full-time carers, I know I couldn't do it. In the short term look into respite care to give yourself a holiday and think it over!
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
13,097
England
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Jackrank,

Repetition is very waring, I used to find it helpful to have a stock pile of answers. Non of them stopped the repetition but helped to calm things a little.

Can’t manage today but we will try tomorrow.
There is a water leak, the plumber is dealing with it.
We need to shop today.
It’s too dark now to make the journey so we will have a cup of tea and a slice of cake.

Cake and tea swayed my husband every time. Remember because your Mum has very little memory you can use the same excuse for not going as often as you want.
 

DILhelp

Registered User
Jan 31, 2016
81
London
Hi , I have recently bought my mum to live with me, she is 93 with dementia,
Since the move her memory is failing her faster
I must admit although not proud to, feeling more frustrated with her, she doesn't stop talking and being so repetitive. Bless her I know she cannot help it. She has been with me 4months now.
Keeps saying she's going home , she thinks she's with me on holiday and going to see relatives that passed 40years ago.
How can i cope with the constant talking of going home, when I say constant I mean 10times every half hr
Thanks so.much
Jacky
Aw jacky we have been there with my MIL. We have been living with her in her house since we got married 5yrs ago. My MIL is 80years old and she constantly wanted to go home as her mother who passed away 40-50yrs ago was waiting for her and would be worried. Some other times she would say she needed to go home to her children. My husband is her youngest son she no longer recognise. Those times we would distract her with other things or talk about something else. Sometimes by her saying that it would have meant she wanted to go to sleep we would then take her to her bedroom. She would fall asleep. There are so many stages we have been through we are currently going through the later stages. God bless you for getting through this xx
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,861
South coast
Hello @Jackrank and welcome to DTP.
Asking to "go home" is almost universal in the middle to later stages of dementia. "Home" is quite often a childhood home (filled with long dead relatives), or a place where they were happy, but it is actually more of a state of mind than an actual physical plce. What she is asking for is to go back to a time and place before the confusion of dementia, where she felt safe.

The demands to "go home" are usually worse when they are feeling anxious or fearful. It may be that the move has confused her and, as a result, she is more anxious, so it might settle down with time. If not, perhaps anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication can help - depression is very commonly found with dementia.

Keep ressuring her and use the tactics that jaymore and DILhelp have mentioned and this might be sufficient.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
795
Hi @Jackrank, welcome to the forum. What you are going through with Mum is extremely common - which I'm sure brings you little solace at this time. It is incredibly frustrating and very difficult to deal with when it is happening every day. I'm sure you realise it wouldn't matter where Mum was she would be saying the same thing (my Mum used to say the same when she lived in her own bungalow which had been her home for over 25 years) - it took me a long time to work out what would calm that anxiety (which is what it is). As you know applying patient logical answers doesn't work - all I can do is endorse the suggestions that others have made e.g. comfort, reassurance, distraction etc. What I can say with my own Mum it did pass, by that time she was in residential care (as there were other issues too). All the best, it's really tough - stay strong.
 

Ramblingrose

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
17
We are going through the same issues with my mum. The constant repetitive questioning and comments wear us down. She is now "seeing people" which turns out to be an object in the distance. Like previous posts have said she doesn't know she is in her own home , know who we are, talks about and to long dead family. I could go on! There is no logic or reasoning with her.. Yes, we had the UTI test done and antibiotics were prescribed but it made no difference. We just have to accept that the dementia has progressed but by god some days it is so hard to cope.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
486
Hi , I have recently bought my mum to live with me, she is 93 with dementia,
Since the move her memory is failing her faster
I must admit although not proud to, feeling more frustrated with her, she doesn't stop talking and being so repetitive. Bless her I know she cannot help it. She has been with me 4months now.
Keeps saying she's going home , she thinks she's with me on holiday and going to see relatives that passed 40years ago.
How can i cope with the constant talking of going home, when I say constant I mean 10times every half hr
Thanks so.much
Jacky
I was once asked a question over 40 times by a Care home resident with Alzheimer's. I was to learn that the first time it was asked was in fact the 40th time.

Just one seemingly insignificant fact about dementia and yet huge in implications.

In the Care Home ( a good one) all the " behaviours " are seen as presentations of the many and varied dementias. Also these behaviours communicate in a still mysterious way with residents in close proximity. A kind of hidden " language " which moves from one moment to the other and is not analysed in any way whatsoever by the individual living with dementia. We have to strive to do that and act accordingly.

Doing this, one to one, at home is not just challenging it is the most responsible thing one can do - caring for a life. Dementia enhances the challenge in ways not perceived outside Care. Testimony to that reality is found here. A community of like minded souls - living the journey rather than speculating or theorizing or simply acknowledging the " age related" disease everybody has heard about.

With warmest wishes.