Frustrated and upset

[KerryH]

My mum is moving into late stage of vascular dementia and she's also a severe diabetic. She lives in a living assisted self funded flat which is 24 hour warden assisted and has a dining room where she has a lunch everyday. We have carers in twice a day to help with medication and a district nurse who helps with the insulin and dresses her foot which has been infected with a ulcer - she has ongoing problems with these ulcers resulting in a toe amputation a few years back, and now they don't seem to heal at all. 2 weeks ago she was admitted into hospital with another ulcer which has appeared on the other foot.
I was visiting her on a day off from work when she collapsed so was admitted by ambulance. She was given intravenous antibiotics to start with and now has to let it heal. She is also suffering with delusion from the infection - she had this prior to the amputation a few years ago but it left her as soon as the infection was gone. This time the delusion is just there all the time, and as the days go by she seems to be depressed and on the verge of giving up.

I live 40 minutes from her house and an hour from the hospital but am regularly going in or calling her. Plus I work full time.

I have an issue with brother not pulling his weight. He works in Holland every other week but has an office in the UK too. He recently was ill himself so for 2 months I did the lions share of visiting my mum, taking her shopping etc. I didn't mind as he was incapable. He's better now and is visiting her in the hospital tomorrow and on Sunday but then tells me he's having a weekend away and working 2 weeks in a row so that he can spend the following 2 weeks at home celebrating his son's birthdays. Which means I've another full 3 weeks of being the sole carer. I have had it out with him but he says he can't spare the time because of work and can only do what he can do. He says it's not her fault but not ours either and we have our lives too!!!

We also now have to decide between us and occupational therapists and social services what the next course of action is with regards to mums care.

In my brother's head, mum isn't mum anymore and is able to switch off his emotions but I'm not there yet. I'm exhausted emotionally and physically as I have an hours commute home from work, an hours drive to the hospital and an hours drive back again, before getting up the next morning at 6am.

I don't go everyday but do the weekend and 2 days in the week.but feel guilty because mum doesn't have anyone else and cries when I leave.

I don't even really know the point of my post, I'm just tired and emotionally exhausted.

 

[TinaT]

It is very hard to think straight when you feel everything is in collapse. It isn't and you don't have to face all this alone. Work with the hospital and the social worker to do what's best for your mum and yourself. If it means some kind of permanent care that fact doesn't mean that you won't continue to be there and to be important in your mum's life.

I know it feels like your brother is deserting you but I'm sure he too cares very much. You now need to focus your efforts into getting it right for your mum and you will get help from the discharge nurse at the hospital and the social worker in getting the future right for both your mum and yourself.

It seems like some hard decisions will have to be made. Try to keep your brother in the decision making loop.

Best wishes at this most difficult time

xxTinaT

 

[marionq]

Your brother has been very honest with you so you might want to calmly consider if perhaps he is right. You have both given a lot of your time and care to your Mum but there are other people in your lives too. Work with him to come up with a decision about her future care which would be right for you all.

 

[Risa]

I have a lot of admiration for you Kerry, you are doing so much to look after your Mum. Sadly it sounds though that your Mum is needing more care than you can realistically provide. I feel for your brother as well as it sounds like he doesn't get much time to spend with his family due to his work so it is understandable that he wants to prioritise his free time.

Would it be possible for your Mum to have a spell in respite so that you could take a breather and talk to your brother about the best way forward?