From North West to South West: An update

Lucille

Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
542
0
Hello fellow TPers

I haven't posted for a while but felt this an appropriate time to update those of you who might remember me!

I have been a long-distance carer for my mum (me Bristol: she Manchester) who was, after a year's wait, diagnosed with vascular dementia in March 2006. Mum coped (after a fashion) for several years on her own with me trailing my ageing car (and backside!) up and down the M5/M6 to try and bail out a boat that had begun to resemble the Titanic. Fast forward to December 2010. I arrived at mum's to be greeted by an ambulance. She was in it. Mum had had a stroke, quickly followed by a second in hospital.

I managed to get her out and bring her back to Bristol for Christmas. My gut feeling was that it would be the last Christmas we would spend together where she had any sense of understanding. People scoffed at my outlook. I am known for my disaster scenarios. However, I am also very close to my mum. I know her. Whilst she was in hospital and after, it was apparent that she would not be able to cope in her flat. (Three flights of stairs, no lift, blah, blah.) The strokes affected her mobility and increased her confusion. Cue respite care in the north west, whilst I researched care homes in Bristol.

At this point I would like to thank Bristolbelle for her help. Despite being in the midst of her own nightmare with trying to place her mum, she found time to send me a list of homes. Some were annotated with her comments. This saved me so much legwork. Thank you BB! Of course, my contact with her wouldn't have been possible without the Alzheimer's Society providing such a valuable resource as Talking Point. For that I am, and always will be, eternally grateful.

After a poignant few weeks that felt like years, I brought mum south on 7 February. She has been in care for two weeks now. Although I know she is not going to get better - in fact her admission has highlighted just how bad she is. A fact that she had managed to hide from some with her consummate acting and familiarity in her own flat. It is clear she needs 24 hour care. Somewhere she is fed. Somewhere she is helped with dressing. Somewhere she is safe.

It is, if this is the right word to use, a "luxury" to have her only 15-20 minutes drive from me after the toil of the past six years. As a carer I do feel slightly out on a limb at the moment trying to adjust, yet also trying to enjoy the limited lucid moments that mum and I have and will share. Today, she told me that she understood why she was in care. That she didn't want me to worry any more. That she loved me. As I see her disappear, I feel that it was her way of letting me know that I had done my best. And I have. Tomorrow I know she won't remember my visit.

And to all of you, who think you're being awful. Who feel guilty. Who sometimes don't think that you can feel anything, anymore, better times will come. I have been able to enjoy taking my mum out for a coffee! Yet this was something that sometimes (BC) before care, I felt was a drag because of the 400 mile round trip I endured just to get that latte, some laughter with my wonderful yet fragile mum and home again.

I would like to thank everyone who has, since I registered here in 2005, offered support, advice, words of comfort and laughs. Because there are times when I fear I would have gone bonkers with it all. Each of you who have contributed have all been burdened with your own problems. I am grateful for your compassion and thoughtfulness.

I know that mum is getting worse, but as I've said, for me having her closer to me, will, I'm sure make it that little bit easier to deal with.

I will post again when I have more news. For now, I am finding it incredibly difficult to adjust to the reduction of my carbon footprint between Bristol and Manchester. I wonder if there's a tax break in there somehwere?!

Lots of love, strength and patience to you all. Despite the footer at the edge of this message. Patience is still on my to do list! I'll never change.

xxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
Good to hear from you Lucille. I`m glad you`ve managed to move your mother nearer to you. xx
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
I'm sorry Mum had a stroke. I'm pleased you are managing to make a start on sorting out the next bit of the muddle of life. I too am delighted to have found TP and couldn't envisage life without it now. I'm thrilled you can now ease off on the old carbon footprint and back away from the motorway for now,carry on enjoying that luxury and genuinely pleased that you have taken the time to update us all. Keep strong love Maureen.x.
 

parkerdart

Registered User
Jan 8, 2011
30
0
USA
Hi Lucille - I love the smiley tone of your post and am glad things are more upbeat for you. Especially like that you can still find a "happy" amongst all of the sad. Your Mom is very lucky to have you on her side! Have a Blessed day. Vickie
 

littlegem

Registered User
Nov 11, 2010
837
0
north Wales
Hi,
You will be able to have some quality time with your lovely Mum.
And it sounds like she is a lovely caring Mum with her letting you know that she is alright.
As you say, she is safe.
take care and enjoy your Mum.
xxx
 

Lucille

Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
542
0
Thanks for your replies. I have visited mum again today. It still feels odd, this transfer of geography. However, the afternoon was wonderful. There was an Hawaiian dancer peforming and (trying) to sing. One of the residents got up for every number. A divine elderly lady who, even though she had a walking stick, was a marvellous mover. It was all very jolly and we had tea and cakes... Always a bonus!

I sat to the side of my mum and observed. Mum is much changed from the woman she was. But still, as she moved her foot to the music, I thought, there's still rhythm in those fragile dancing legs.

x
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,097
0
Costa Blanca Spain
We are all here to try to support each other through this ordeal. I have had some wonderful moments with my husband in the years he has been in care and I hope that you have many more to come.

xxTinaT
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
Lucille, it sounds like a success story. Well done for finding a good home in Bristol for your mum. It must be wonderful for you to be able to take her out for a coffee. Could you sometime manage the lovely Zoo? I'll give you a hand next time I'm down there. I'm in Manchester, my daughter is in Bristol, I well know the tortuous M6/M5 scenario, always some hold up. It sometimes takes daughter 10 hours to visit home.

I don't suppose your mum can manage the Twist? Okay, maybe not. But it sounds like she is in a good place.

Well done.

Love

Margaret
 

lemoncrunch

Registered User
Sep 29, 2009
82
0
devon
What a lovely upbeat post. I had the 200 mile separation scenario but decided to keep mum where she was as her friends visited her every week. After my last visit a few weeks ago, must say I am more unsure now, as she denies ever seeing her friends and doesn't know them when she does. So the old guilt factor is setting in again.
 

Lucille

Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
542
0
Thanks again.

Lemoncrunch, don't feel guilty. The reason I moved mum down here was because I knew she wouldn't have anyone visiting up north. Also, after six years of long-distance caring and, knowing her background (mentally, physically) I felt we needed to be nearer to each other for the final stages of her illness.

I understand, of course, that moving her into care isn't a panacea for her dementia. In fact, in the three weeks she has been in care she has deteriorated. I feel that it is fate. This moving her south for what will, ultimately, be her final years (if indeed they are years).

You do your best, that's all you can do. Mum doesn't remember my visits either, but we just keep, keeping on, don't we? At least you know your mum is safe and cared for and, ultimately, that's what matters.

Sorry, this doesn't sound as upbeat as my other posts, but I'm trying, just a tiny bit, to detach myself, from the horror of it all and recognising that, if I'm honest, I lost the mum I knew the day we received the diagnosis.

Take care
x
 

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