From assisted-living to nursing home

[Eve G.]

My mother has been in a very nice assisted-living facility for three years; she has her own furniture and artwork, and her cat (that cat is as good as ten nurses for her). But my sister and I are looking to the future: Mom is going slowly but steadily downhill with vascular dementia (I can't say "VD," that stands for "venereal disease" in the US and makes me giggle!). Plus, her money will not last more than another two years at this rate, and her very nice assisted-living facility will boot her out onto the very nice sidewalk when the cash is gone.

We were told to find a geriatric caseworker, but the one we found just sent us a seniors magazine we could have gotten at a newsstand. We don't want to alarm the assisted-living people by making "moving out" noises . . . Has anyone else had to make this horrible transition, and what did you do?

We are looking at this as a last resort, of course: if Mom runs out of money and needs a state home, or if she deteriorates to where she doesn't know who or where she is at all. We hope she will die before either of those things happen, but her parents both lived into their 90s . . .

 

[jenniferpa]

I am probably in the middle of this at the moment. I say probably, because I had to move mummy into a nursing home (actually attached to her assisted living place) on very short notice, and when I go back to the UK next week, we'll have to see whteher she can manage in her own place again. Personally I have a new campaign to use VID (vascular induced dementia) rather than VD, because I also can't say "my mother has VD".

I have to say, she was very averse to the move, but since being there she settled quite well. However, she still has the same carers so it's not the same situation as you find yourself in. As to the decision: honestly, there was no way she could remain as she was without someone there 24/7: she was falling and was unable to remember to use the call bell, so really the decision was made for me.

Jennifer

 

[Eve G.]

I think I'm more worried about Mom running out of money, and finding a semi-decent place that will take insurance/Medicaid. If she's completely out of it and unaware, I will feel less terrible about moving her. She has not settled in well to assisted living. She was always very independent and loved her apartment, so she calls where she is now "that place." She admits she couldn't live alone anymore, but still hates where she is--a move to a nursing home, and losing her cat, would be worse than death to her.

 

[Eve G.]

she was falling and was unable to remember to use the call bell

Same here. They check on her every few hours at night, as she will wander around her apartment and they do find her on the floor sometimes. "Pulling the call bell" is just not something that her brain can process anymore.

 

[jenniferpa]

I realise this is a relativly small part of the whole thing, but is it not possible that you might be able to find a nursing home that would allow her to take her cat?

I really empathise with you regarding the money - I think provided mummy doen't live to a hundred we will be OK, and even if she does, the nursing home she's in does accept social services patients, so she shouldn't have to move. I have a friend (here in PA) who's going through this whole thing here with her mother at the moment, and It's very very difficult: even paying for nursing home care as she is at the moment, and by the end of this year the money will be gone, she was forced to place her in a shared room in the nursing home. Fortunately for her mother, her mother is now convinced that she is employed at this home as a chamber maid (which was her first job) and sisnce this was the living arrangement at this first job, she is comfortable with it. Medicaid is a nightmare to deal with, so my friend tells me.

Jennifer
PS Isn't ghastly hoping someone will die before something worse happens? I do it all the time.

 

[Eve G.]

PS Isn't ghastly hoping someone will die before something worse happens? I do it all the time.

Me, too. I keep thinking, "Oh, please let her die before anything else horrible happens to her." That and two dollars will get me on the subway.

My mother's in PA too, on the Main Line. You'd think there would be lots of great facilities and support systems there, wouldn't you? I dropped off her taxes this weekend and her tax preparer said, "you have to talk to the people who run her assisted-living place, they are the only ones who know all about the local nursing homes." My sister is Good Cop and I am Bad Cop, so I guess I will have her do this.

Spent this weekend with Mom, she was barely responsive and I'm sure doesn't remember I was there. I took her out for drives, brought in some really good food, but she can barely manage silverware anymore. Was so depressed when I got home I just crawled into bed and under the covers.