From a newbie-hello, All


Registered User
Feb 11, 2010
Hi there,
Just to introduce myself. I care for my elderly mum who has vascular dementia. She was diagnosed in November, although I've suspected she wasn't 'quite right' for a year or more. I think the day she thought a toy dog was real was the day it finally dawned on me that she was really unwell.
She is 86 and she is cared for daily by my brother who lives with her. He has schizophrenia so needs a lot of support himself. He must be terrified, poor love, so my daughter and I try to give them both as much support as we can.
My daughter has chronic depression and my husband and I occasionally have to look after her young children when she is ill. So the care we can give my Mum and brother is patchy, to say the least, although I try to go in every day.
My husband took early retirement recently to help me to cope as I have been under the psychiatrist myself in the past due to depression.
Tomorrow we have an assessment by Social Services. Mum has had dealings with them in the past but hates strangers in the house. She has diabetes so allows the nurse in daily, but she has so far resisted other carers outside of the family.
I'm afraid we need some respite now so I'm hoping that tomorrow she will co-operate with the social worker. I'm afraid last week she told her to go in no uncertain terms!
We can't go on like this. I would love to take a holiday with my daughter and her children but with the present set-up this is impossible. I do have a sister and brother who could possibly help but both are working and we live closest to Mum.
We're hoping that tomorrow the social worker will set up some sort of care package that my Mum will allow and that she may agree to go into respite care for a short time to give my brother and myself a rest. She always agrees that it's a good idea untill the arrival of the social worker-then all hell breaks loose!
Anyway, that's my situation. I know many of you on here have much more to deal with and my heart goes out to you.

All the very best,



Registered User
Apr 1, 2009
Hello Maggie - what a lot you've got on your plate! You will find a lot of support here I'm sure.

I hope that everything goes well with your visit from the social worker tomorrow though you may find that if your mum still has the capacity to make some decisions for herself that you may not get the result you are hoping for - social workers cannot force people to accept care.

Having said that if your mum is receptive to help from her GP or District nurse you might be able to sell her the idea of having help on the basis of a small white lie that 'the nurses are going to be popping in'or that 'the doctor thinks you need a rest so he's suggested a week in (wherever)'. (Believe me - you'll become very practised at telling little white lies as you go along!;))

Let us know how you get on - you certainly sound like you deserve a break:).

Kindest regards,



Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
East Kent
Hello Maggie. Ive found TP invaluable and hope you do so as well.
Think many of us learn to tell a few convincing fibs,

one ive seen round here that might help with mum agreeing to go for respite is,having to have some work done on the house,Hope this helps



Registered User
Oct 29, 2009
South East Essex
Hi Maggie. Welcome to TP. I'm sure you will find it as useful as I have. There is always someone on here whatever the time & it's great for letting off steam when you've had a bad day!

It does sound as though you have loads to contend with. Having a family member with Dementia is never easy but when you are battling health problems yourself it is doubly difficult.

You must remember to look after yourself to avoid slipping down the slope of clinical depression. As someone with a long history of depression myself I know how careful I have to be not to get too stressed out. I'm lucky that my Mum is receptive to the Social worker & carer but I still feel I ought to be doing more....

I hope the meeting with the social worker goes well. Make sure your own needs as a carer are assessed as well as your mum's.

Good Luck.
Mo x


Registered User
Feb 1, 2010
North Wales
Hi Maggie - just to agree with other suggestions about "little white lies" sometimes being what's needed. I care for my mum, she's 86 and has dementia. In the earlier stages the social workers and the CPN 's visits were disguised as my friends dropping in for a chat. They did indeed become "friends" as their help was needed. Mum really did not know or want to know about it all.
Good luck with your journey into this minefield and take heart from everyone who can help you. Look after yourself too, without feeling guilty!!


Registered User
Feb 11, 2010
Oh, thank you all so much. As it happens the social worker visit didn't take place as the social worker had 'issues at home' and wasn't in work today! I did get to speak to the duty manager, though, who assured me that they will support me to try and keep Mum at home for as long as possible. That's what I wanted to hear. Mum hates the day centre, she has tried it before, but it seems to be the best option to keep her safe.
She's a diabetic, smoker and has TIAs so can't really be left for long periods.
I've always been a very truthful person, but this afternoon I found myself asking Mum if she'd like to join a 'Luncheon Club' (my euphemysm for the day centre). I guess I've started fibbing already. I even said that the more valued clients of the luncheon club get to play bingo etc.
I have many questions to ask but it's been such a long day I've forgotten them all for the minute! haha
I think one has to keep a sense of humour with all this. Some of the things Mum says really are quite amusing. I'll share some later.
God bless all of you. I'm blown away that you all make time for everyone else in this position when you are all so very tired yourselves. You're wonderful!



Registered User
Oct 8, 2009
Herefordshire UK
Hi Maggi

Welcome to TP.

The way we word things (or little white lies) is so very important. I've referred to the "Day Centre" as the Luncheon Club in order to encourage my Mum to go along. She really likes it now (she's been twice) and I heard her on the phone telling an old neighbour that she goes to the "Over 60s club" every week.

She's 93 so I think she qualifies for the "Over 60s" ;)

love from
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Registered User
Jan 17, 2008
hillsborough sheffield
hi maggie,

sending you lots of love and hugs.

my nan was the same as your mum when it came to inviting people into the house. in the end my mum and my grandad used to have the meeting away from my nan to discuss things and only went into see her when she really needed to. my nan used to kick people out of the house herself.
it might be worth discussing the meeting away from your mum, there dos come a point where decisions have to be made for you mum for the sake of the rest of the family and her.
your doing it for you r mum hun and trying to get her the best help you can. the rest bite my nan used to have she always saw it as a holiday and she did enjoy it when she went.
might be worth thinking about to give you all a break.
have you thought about day care centers aswell? our nan used to go 3 days a week in the end, she loved it as they did activities and just basicaly enjoyed themselves. its just those few hours for some times by yourselves and for your brother.
look into it hun it really could be the break you all need.

lots of love xxxx