Jannie, be kind to yourself
"If anyone out there has had any similar feelings, please let me know because I really need to learn how to deal with this as I know that it is not going to go away."
Sweetheart, "anyone?" Just ALL of us, that's all. Whether our loved one is still at home with us, or needs the specialist care of a residential home, or respite care ... We're all scared, horrified, frustrated, tearful, guilty,guilty,guilty, angry, resentful and hating this awful living-death sentence. If they are in residential care, it's because they need to be there, for their own safety and for the sort of care you & I can't provide. We all feel we can never do enough, even those who have got everything possible in place & working out (eg Bruce), BUT most of us have other family members who still love us and need us, just for who we are, not necessarily in any practical sense, like children. And we need THEM, partly for emotional support in this situation but also for just who THEY are, just to remind ourselves that there is a 'normal' world out there at the end of the day.
You have to try sometimes to remember that you are someone special, not 'only' a carer/daughter (son/spouse/whatever) of an AD-sufferer. Whilst it might take over your life for a time, you will still be you, and your family will still love & need you, after this is over. You still deserve a life and happiness, and your Mum would be the first to say so. And yes, "over" means our loved one will be dead, but I hope I will be able to see that as my Mum's release from torment.
It's difficult to know how to say this without fear of offending or being misconstrued, but in the animal world something which has lost the plot, big time, just doesn't survive to live out a long, sad decline. If I wilfully kept alive a pet in such circumstances, I would probably be prosecuted & castigated for cruelty. I am NOT advocating euthanasia (although I would want it for myself) but this living death seems the most unjust and cruellest end of all. Surely we are all doing our grieving right now, with interest.
If I dare suggest some advice, make a list of the component parts of why you feel unable to cope. What parts of that list, if any, can you or should you get outside help with. Are you trying to "do it all" in an attempt to get rid of the guilt feeling. It won't get rid of it, nothing gets rid of it (from what I read on this and other boards) because none of us can work the miracle which would turn back the clock. And this awful disease can be a long-haul situation (15 years & counting, in Bruce & Jan's case). That's not something I can quite grasp yet, or don't want to, but life is going to be difficult enough without beating myself up over the things I can't manage to do, even when I know I'm doing my best.
I certainly can't help you learn how to deal with it all, because I don't know myself yet - and my Mum is only just at the start of this slippery slope. But I do know that if I let the demon guilt-monster take over my mind, I'll be no use to anyone.
I hope you feel better soon. Not just the 'flu, but the depression. I hope you and your GP are looking after YOU as well as your Mum. You owe it to yourself & your family to do so, and it's what your Mum would tell you to, if she were able. As you said yourself, "if I don't cope, who will look after my children?"
Also (which is what I originally intended to say in the first place, before I got carried away) I think a lot of people come here with their "brave face" on, so as to engender a supportive tone to the board generally. I'm sure there are a lot of tears and anger etc. etc. which don't get expressed.
God bless