Friendship - yeah right!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Kate P, Jun 9, 2008.

  1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Ah my dear virtual friends - apparently the only true friends that exist.

    I'm so mad - I feel utterly let down and disappointed by someone who both my sister and I believed was a good friend for the last ten years.

    Said person has been behaving oddly since Christmas - at first we were getting a little irritated but then I said that they couldn't possibly imagine what our life was like right now so we should try tobe more understanding.

    This weekend we all got together for a BBQ. Eventually my sister asked said person why they had been behaving oddly and had we done something to upset them. Their response "I don't want to be around people with problems."

    I don't even know what to say - as most of you know she lost her baby only a month ago, not to mention the current stuff with mum and this is their response.

    I'm so angry - I can't see the point in saying anything to them, I think it's just the end of the friendship.

    How can that be someone's response after ten years of friendship. In an very uncharitable outburst I hope their life goes to **** and they'll soon see that you don't exactly bring these problems on yourself.

    What would you do? Say something or silently cut them off?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,871
    Kent
    Hello Kate.

    Call me unforgiving but I have just recently had something similar with my sister and have told her it`s the end of the road for us.

    Life is difficult enough. I don`t want `duty` friends or family. I need to know I can trust the people around me otherwise I`d feel better alone.

    This friend is no friend. If that is her attitude, let her go.

    Love xx
     
  3. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Kate,

    How awful to read this. I think you discover who your real friends are (and aren't) when you're going through a tough time. I was critically ill a few years ago and really discovered who my true friends were. The true friends visited, helped out and all those things, the others pretended to be good friends and just enjoying gossiping about what was wrong with me.

    Then when my Mum was diagnosed four years ago with dementia, I went through this discovery process again, and guess what, it was the same friends who were true friends and the others who I though were friends, turned out not to be.

    It is difficult to do, but if you can, I think maintaining a dignified silence is all you can do, and also feel sorry for these people because they haven't a clue what true friends are about and they are missing out on so much.

    If only all friends could be like TP friends.
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Kate

    ah yes, the eternal problem....

    I have taken a couple of routes in this situation, as far as friends are concerned [best not to talk about Jan's sister who said "being around Jan makes me feel ill" and the cure for that was for her never to visit.].

    For our mutual friends, and my own friends, they simply cease to exist as far as I am concerned if they can't figure things out.

    For friends who were primarily Jan's from university and just after, I feel I don't have the right to cut them out, so I reply briefly if they ask in Christmas cards or something, but, because it is Jan's call [albeit one she can't make], I retain a thin level of communication, for her sake.

    Strange things, people.
     
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Kate...do what is right for you. Think I may feel it necessary to drop them a line and just say how hurt, let down and disappointed I felt by their attitude.... and then forget them. But it would merely be an action to get the hurt and anger out of myself....wouldnt hurt the other person to know though that there words weere hurtful.
    Love Helen
     
  6. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    hey kate, that is not a friend,my friend found that out when her DH ended his life. Friends dont make hurtful comments (usually)
    friends are there to vent, friends are there to support and understand..
    hope your friend never has too many problems then, your friend wont be able to live with themselves

    hugs,
    Jo
     
  7. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    182
    Lincolnshire
    #7 jude1950, Jun 9, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2008
    Hi Kate.

    Sorry about your "friend" I too like all with relatives /loved ones with dementia have had the friends disappearing act some have occasional contact but I have become a social leper prior to Jim's dementia we had a close circle with five other couples Dinner parties BBQ's were the norm girlie lunches for the wives shopping trips all long gone the excuse was one of the so called circle of friends thought that these social gatherings were too much for Jim so recommended that we shouild not be invited for our own sake's, then it was thought I could not go anywhere because I could not leave Jim ,Since Jim has been in a nursing home I am still excluded from these gatherings one of the couples visit Jim every three weeks but I feel like saying to them don't bother its too little too late, but no keep a dignified silence Kate sit back and wait time will see how life works out for them and should something awful happen to upset their perfect lives smile sweetly and say nothing, inside you will be thinking what goes round comes round!
    take care
    Judith;)
     
  8. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Hi Kate,

    Know how you feel. It sux, its a very frustrating anger too because you really can't get any satisfaction out of responding because people like that can't see that they are the person with the problem. Just try imagining them being hit by a bus a few times, that always works for me, and so far nothing terrible has ever happened to the people I imagine such a fate for, so there need not be any guilt involved.;)
    Strangely enough, the older I get the more sure I am that bad things seem to happen to good people most of the time. Perhaps I should take up a career as a criminal?? :p
     
  9. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Kate,
    I have had the same thing happen to me. Well I can do without them.
    True friends are there no matter what.
    Take care of yourself
    Love from Christine
     
  10. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thanks - I really appreciate the support.

    That's what I think really - I'm sure it would be water off a ducks back which in turn would probably make me even madder.

    From all I have read on here in the past I had a sneaking suspicion almost everyone would understand and have experienced something similar.

    I find it a strange set of circumstances that the people who offer me unconditional support and friendship are the people who wouldn't know me if I passed them in the street!!:confused:

    However, had I not found TP, then I would be dealing with it alone which would be much worse.:)

    Had a similar stupid experience last week at a little church meeting. I was late because mum was in a hell of a mood and kept storming into my house and rummaging through my fridge. One of those moments when I wished depserately she could talk because I would have gone and bought whatever it was she felt should be in my fridge!!

    Anyway, when I arrived I apologised for my absence and explained what had happened. The discussion turned to the fact that many times now mum doesn't seem to know who my sister and I are. Sympathetic nods all round except for one person who leans over and asks "If I come and babysit for your daughter, could you look after your mum for an hour a week so your dad could give my daughter guitar lessons?"

    :eek::confused::eek::confused:
     
  11. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007
    238
    Cheshire
    Hi Kate,

    As you have said, I think everyone on here has been shocked by the attitudes of friends and relatives. In my case it was the reaction of our bestman and his wife (whom John had supported selflesly in the past). They couldn't even write or speak to us(let alone visit) as "they were too upset"!!

    But on a postive the support I have received from other friends has been truely uplifting and has kept me sane.

    As for what to do, I think you have to do what is best for you. In my case I wrote a letter when I felt calmer and kept it a few days re-drafting it until I fully reflected my feeling without being too much of a kneejerk reaction.

    Take care of you.
    Jackie
    xx
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Kate, I'm always amazed at the selfishness of some people, and the thoughtfulness of others.

    I was very upset last summer, before John had his collapse, when his youngest son told me he couldn't spend time with his father because he didn't know what to say to him!

    Now he's upset because his father is so ill -- too late!:(

    On the other hand, my dearest friend had to have her beloved dog put down on Saturday, but still insists on having Skye tomorrow when I go on a hospital visit. That's true friendship.

    I think you should let things calm down for a day or two, then if you still feel like it, write a calm letter to this 'friend', explaining how what she said made you and your sister feel.

    It might not get through, but then again, it just might. Whether or not, I don't think I'd ever consider her a friend again.

    You have lots of friends here, Kate.:)

    Love,
     
  13. Bristolbelle

    Bristolbelle Registered User

    Aug 18, 2006
    1,847
    Bristol
    friends???

    What are they? Like you I have found that I seem to be the giver and never th receiver. i had one particular friend who went through marriage problems and used to turn up at all hours crying on the doorstep with her kids - I would get out the camp beds etc make the tea and comfort her. when my son was in hospital for 3 weeks she didn't even offer to make a cuppa for my husband or ring to see how my lad was. Little did I know until later in that time she had had 3 affairs and that was why he husband was so angry. To rub salt in the word she upped and left with none other than her brother-in-law(her husbands brother) without so much as leaving an address or saying goodbye.
    My husbands brother and sister caused allsorts of problems at our wedding and we've never managed to patch it up, and my brothers wife and son kicked off at my daughters 18th (trying to slap my daughters 18 yr old fried and her boyfriend just because my daughter liked the boy concerned and they wanted him to be with her)! So now I don't bother with anyone much. When my dad was ill I made the peace with my bro but he only visited Mum twice after dad died does not send cards or anything never rings up etc. She has said when she dies I must let him know as he will have to decide what he wants to do, but I will not invite him to the wake - I don't want any trouble, and to be honest I'm physically scared of him and my nephew - they are both special forces trained and fiery with it. I dread being old as I fear I will be very lonely but I prefer to keep the barriers up so that I can not hurt anymore.
    That's it I'm gonna pull up the draw-bridge, boil the oil, and set gurads on the turrets lol!
     
  14. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Dear Kate,

    If your "friend" didn't want to be around people with problems..why on earth did she agree to join you all for a BBQ?

    You can count the number of true friends on one hand!

    (Virtual friends are different...you have to be an octopus..:D)

    Love gigi xx
     
  15. Amble

    Amble Registered User

    Jun 5, 2007
    122
    Surrey UK
    Sadly, it is quite often the case that when the acid test of friendship comes some people are too immature emotionally to be able to cope. It is not you who has the real problem. They do, because they genuinely do not know how to react.A bit like the people who cross the road in order not to have to talk to a bereaved person.
    If you could find it in your heart ( and it's asking a lot I know) it would be better to say nothing to them and treat them the same as always if you meet them. They will learn far more from this than if you write to them etc.

    I am truly sorry for your hurt. The misguided member of your Church, what can one say?! you have to laugh at such crassness.
     
  16. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,854
    Wigan, Lancs
    Since my Dad's illness I have looked back at times when friends were going through a rough patch and wonder with hindsight was I the perfect friend? Did I rally round, ring them as often as I should, offer help without being asked? In short, was I the friend I now expect them to be? Probably not. :(

    Sure, if they asked for help I was there, but through my own thoughtlessness/fear of saying the wrong thing/fear of sticking my nose in where it wasn't wanted, I hung back and let them come to me. I now realise that an unexpected offer of help, or unsolicited concern makes a true friend.

    On the other hand, sometimes I go out with my friends and no one asks me how my Dad is all night and I kind of like that. For a night I feel 'normal' again. I think they know that sometimes I need to talk and sometimes I need not to talk.

    This is not to excuse in any way your fair weather friend. Clearly she was only in the friendship for what she received from it. Now it is her turn to give a little she's not interested. Cut her out of your life. You don't need people like that. She was never a true friend.
     
  17. sarah<3

    sarah<3 Registered User

    Apr 12, 2008
    24
    Essex
    that was so horrible!
    i'd slap someone if they said that to me
    i actually have a friend like that, asked me why any one would want to be friends with people who are depressed or suicidle
    i could of slapped her then, because my sister is suffering from depression
    some people will never understand these things, and that you don't exactly want all this stuff happening to you
    in my opinion, i would just say to her that its over, and that she has no idea what your going through
    she really isnt worth it.
    Lots of love
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  18. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    There are people in this world who you just want to turn on.:mad:

    Sometimes I think they are the unlucky ones, they have never had it tough enough to need a true friend and they therefore do not know what it is to be a true friend. They cannot empathise and therefore cannot offer sympathy because they have never felt the raw panic or if they have it is centred only on themselves.

    You need someone to whom giving flows easily at times. I foten find that these are people who did not have support when they sorely needed it. Those whom during difficult periods in their lives had people around eg family just don't get it! I have to admit during my difficult years I had to cut certain people out of the loop as they just did not understand. These days I pity them as I think that being able to care and help out is a gift. (OK I have to say that there are times I want to give it back, but don't think I would be human if that wasn't the case :rolleyes:.)

    Do what you need to stay sane at this time Kate.

    Mameeskye
     
  19. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    Before I understood about dementia, I had a friend whose father had vascular dementia and she would visit me and tell me about the incidents which had happened in the week.

    Much to my shame, now, I found these incidents quite amusing and funny. I'm afraid I wasn't very sympathetic and didn't offer any help. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, I WASN'T EDUCATED IN DEMENTIA

    It is only now that I am experiencing dementia, with my own parent's that I can sympathise with my friend and wish I had helped a little.

    I have since apoligised to her

    Alfjess
     
  20. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Dear Alfjess

    I am also ashamed.
    I was so rude to someone who had offered me friendship.
    And, more importantly, to Ron.
    Could'nt you just bite your bum someday's:eek:.
    If that person is reading this, I am sorry:eek:
    BarbXX
    Ron is asleep:)X
     

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