Friends

Bee.quilt

Registered User
Dec 29, 2017
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when is the time to let friends know the situation with OH so they can help keep his social life going? He is aware that he has Az but adamant that it isn't affecting him and isn't likely to. Of course it is. The last few weeks he's been more muddled, asking the same questions many times but not retaining the answers. Early this year I told his three closest friends in confidence and suggested they could help by keeping in touch regularly rather than waiting for him to contact them. One 'friend' disappeared at once. I'm not sure how discreet his other contacts will be. I don't want to risk embarrassing him. He'll take it as a betrayal. Suggestions needed please.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
when is the time to let friends know the situation with OH so they can help keep his social life going? He is aware that he has Az but adamant that it isn't affecting him and isn't likely to. Of course it is. The last few weeks he's been more muddled, asking the same questions many times but not retaining the answers. Early this year I told his three closest friends in confidence and suggested they could help by keeping in touch regularly rather than waiting for him to contact them. One 'friend' disappeared at once. I'm not sure how discreet his other contacts will be. I don't want to risk embarrassing him. He'll take it as a betrayal. Suggestions needed please.
This can be difficult. My wife didn't want anyone to know about her diagnosis of Alzheimer's but I persuaded her that she would get understanding and support if people knew and that has proved to be correct. However, I have read many times about not just friends(so called) but, even, family members backing off, which is sad. I feel it is important to keep a PWD as socially active as possible so thought it was worth the risk.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
I think you should tell people who come in regular contact with him. They deserve to know so they can understand why he might behave in a certain way. They do not need to talk to him about it or let on that they know but it might improve their understanding and handling of certain situations if you explain it to them.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,746
0
84
East of England
I feel exactly the same about telling family and friends that he has Alzheimer’s disease. I have trouble telling myself and only on here do I say it. My son and daughter know and he told his oldest friend himself that he has pre-Alzheimer’s. But it is a problem not being open because as my daughter says if he had cancer, heart disease or another physical disease of course we would say. I know that we must be more open about all mental health problems but the word Alzheimer’s is scary for people because of their own fears partly. I think if it was my diagnosis I would be able to say but I feel bad about saying it about him. I asked him if he wanted me to tell his sisters and he said no but that maybe he should sometime. It’s a dilemma for us all and no set answer.
 

Peachez

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
124
0
South East England
when is the time to let friends know the situation with OH so they can help keep his social life going? He is aware that he has Az but adamant that it isn't affecting him and isn't likely to. Of course it is. The last few weeks he's been more muddled, asking the same questions many times but not retaining the answers. Early this year I told his three closest friends in confidence and suggested they could help by keeping in touch regularly rather than waiting for him to contact them. One 'friend' disappeared at once. I'm not sure how discreet his other contacts will be. I don't want to risk embarrassing him. He'll take it as a betrayal. Suggestions needed please.


There's non so strange as folk, my mum used to say. With both my cancer 8 years ago, and my OH's MCI, we have found 'announcement' of the condition to be a mixed blessing. You certainly find out who your friends are. Some of my family have reacted as though it's catching! I'm now quite happy that they have distanced themselves.
I would think about leaving it until people ask, our concerned friends would ask me quietly, " is T* OK?" , giving a window to say 'he's developing problems with his memory, please be patient with him'. Naming the condition is not always helpful. Be straight with them. I was asked after a year or so if he was "better now". I just said, He's not ever going to get better, and left it at that.

You also need people to understand that you need support too, you also need to keep up socialising for your own sanity!

We knew one couple that had started treating him like the 'village idiot', even when his condition was explained there was not a shred of understanding that he could do nothing about his slowness of thought, memory or confusion. You don't need people like that around. Cherish the ones that show some tact. XXX
 

Bree

Registered User
Oct 16, 2013
246
0
Bee quilt

Firstly sadly your OH has very odd 'friends', friends do not disappear at a time of crisis, they are there for you, how awful for him.

My OH didn't want people to know that he had AZ, but I thought people should know, especially if he was acting or speaking in a strange manner. As he used to shout a lot, I told my neighbours, who I have to say were very understanding and supportive. Family and friends were next, and gradually he started to tell people himself.

Friends have been wonderful and understanding, offering support. At the worst times, I did ask his daughter, my step daughter, if she and her husband could have him for a few days to give me a break, nothing was forthcoming, which annoyed me somewhat, as they have no children to consider. The ones you expect to help often don't, help comes from the people who truly care for you.
 

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