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Friends stopped calling

Loulourocks3004

New member
Aug 18, 2019
5
Hey all. I'm new to the group. I work full time but also live with and take care of my Mum who has vascular dementia. I'm 45 and never married or had children. My question is this... Have carers friends stopped calling and inviting you to places? I sometimes have to refuse but it's always nice to be asked. I'm noticing that I just dont get invited whereas I used to have a great social life.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,574
Bristol
Hullo and welcome the forums, Loulourocks3004.
That is sad that you are being left out. I'm 52 and feel like I can't get out as much especially at night even if asked, so know how you feel. Can you set your mum up with a befriending scheme or carers on Saturday night, so you can invite a few friends out one night a week. It's good to keep some kind of life going if you can.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,437
North West
Hey all. I'm new to the group. I work full time but also live with and take care of my Mum who has vascular dementia. I'm 45 and never married or had children. My question is this... Have carers friends stopped calling and inviting you to places? I sometimes have to refuse but it's always nice to be asked. I'm noticing that I just dont get invited whereas I used to have a great social life.

Yes - they don't bother anymore, not because they don't care just that my answer is invariably 'no I can't'. It does get that way that eventually they don't bother to ask anymore. Some friends do it because they know I need that space, but others have broken the ties of friendship
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
438
Hey all. I'm new to the group. I work full time but also live with and take care of my Mum who has vascular dementia. I'm 45 and never married or had children. My question is this... Have carers friends stopped calling and inviting you to places? I sometimes have to refuse but it's always nice to be asked. I'm noticing that I just dont get invited whereas I used to have a great social life.
Yes they quickly fade away, all the couples we socialised with are invisible now, I do have four friends that have been a great support to me but I don’t go out like I used to as they have there own families and lives, as for the couples well what can I say, just hope that they don’t find themselves in the same situation one day.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,169
Yes they quickly fade away, all the couples we socialised with are invisible now, I do have four friends that have been a great support to me but I don’t go out like I used to as they have there own families and lives, as for the couples well what can I say, just hope that they don’t find themselves in the same situation one day.
When my mother-in-law developed dementia and went into care, I wrote to all her friends when she could no longer write her Christmas cards properly. I explained to them she would no longer be able to manage her cards anymore and why. Out of the 10 letters I sent, I received a couple of replies thanking me and asking to keep updated . When she passed away last year in her care home, I wrote again to tell them all. I didn't receive one response, not even a condolence message. Out of sight, out of mind.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,120
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
When they do visit you can see how uncomfortable and at a loss how to chat or laugh as normal and just don’t seem to see the person they once knew and it is so upsetting as it is not just thr PWD they desert but you, the carer.
 

lilypat

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
211
Yorkshire
in my experience its both family and friends that have both stopped calling . those that see PWD can only stay well he seems ok to me .( he is blessed with looking really well ) but sitting with him for 1 hour you do not get to see the whole picture ,try been there 24 hours a day
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
436
Mid Lincs
Yep, we rarely get visitors now. We have one friend who rings almost every day, he lives 70 miles away and I occasionally get a call form other friends saying I'll come and see you both in a couple of weeks, then we don't hear from again for months. I've no idea why they say things they clearly don't mean.
 

Loulourocks3004

New member
Aug 18, 2019
5
Hullo and welcome the forums, Loulourocks3004.
That is sad that you are being left out. I'm 52 and feel like I can't get out as much especially at night even if asked, so know how you feel. Can you set your mum up with a befriending scheme or carers on Saturday night, so you can invite a few friends out one night a week. It's good to keep some kind of life going if you can.
Thank you for your response. Mom just isnt built that way, she refuses to spend time with anyone other than me. I do see a particular friend every now and then but find that most people just dont ask any longer.
 

Loulourocks3004

New member
Aug 18, 2019
5
Yes - they don't bother anymore, not because they don't care just that my answer is invariably 'no I can't'. It does get that way that eventually they don't bother to ask anymore. Some friends do it because they know I need that space, but others have broken the ties of friendship
Thank you for your response. It seems like they just stop asking which is a shame as they know my situation and know that sometimes i can go out and sometimes i cant.
 

Loulourocks3004

New member
Aug 18, 2019
5
When my mother-in-law developed dementia and went into care, I wrote to all her friends when she could no longer write her Christmas cards properly. I explained to them she would no longer be able to manage her cards anymore and why. Out of the 10 letters I sent, I received a couple of replies thanking me and asking to keep updated . When she passed away last year in her care home, I wrote again to tell them all. I didn't receive one response, not even a condolence message. Out of sight, out of mind.
I'm so sorry to hear this, this is extremely sad. Unfortunately my Mom has never really had friends at all so nobody to send cards to. I just wish people could think a little more before discarding.
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
438
in my experience its both family and friends that have both stopped calling . those that see PWD can only stay well he seems ok to me .( he is blessed with looking really well ) but sitting with him for 1 hour you do not get to see the whole picture ,try been there 24 hours a day
Yes family are noticeably absent in our case as well but I shouldn’t really be surprised because when my husband’s brother had cancer for five years they didn’t visit him either but turned up en masse at his funeral
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
40
Hey all. I'm new to the group. I work full time but also live with and take care of my Mum who has vascular dementia. I'm 45 and never married or had children. My question is this... Have carers friends stopped calling and inviting you to places? I sometimes have to refuse but it's always nice to be asked. I'm noticing that I just dont get invited whereas I used to have a great social life.
I am so in the same boat as you and it really does make me Feel so alone. Mum has always socialised so find she 'needs' to go out all the time but now nearly all but two of her friends have fallen by the wayside. No one wants to see her or meet her or have us visit... It's so so sad considering mum has always been there for anyone if they needed help - it's ignorant and so cruel because she doesn't understand why and it hurts me so bad to see her rejected person after person.
I too seem to have less friends around because they believe I don't have a life now cos mum is my full time job. Loneliness both for dementia patients and their carers is not nice at all and now I'm so so sad
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
435
I have seen this too but I'm not too bothered by it. My dad was the definitely the social butterfly in his day, especially as he was good with DIY tasks. Now they can't find his phone number and address.

A couple of his friends occasionally turn up out of the blue but tend to get in the way and/or throw advice when it's not needed. We are still polite to them when they come round but admittedly the only time I was pleased to see one of the two was when dad was a bit rude to him and then turned his back to him. I couldn't help feeling smug because this one and his wife badmouthed us (dad's family) saying we're not doing enough for him or asking the council for help (dad's self funding so they're talking out their backside) when we do everything for him as he's at the latter stages. We've explained dementia to this friend but he did not believe us that it was that bad until that moment.

As for my own friends, I had my own illnesses when I realised some started to drop off. And now we're busy with dad and I'm a mature student, I don't have to time to go out much so I'm fine with not being asked. I still make the effort to keep in touch and take an interest in their lives, so if I want to go out, I'll suggest it but I'll admit it is a rarity to do so.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
I think its very common.
No-one contacts us now either
Oh that’s so sad, even though I am long distance carer the OH & I have no social life anymore as weekends can be predominantly driving long distances to sort out Mum & visiting Dad.
I encouraged OH to rejoin cricket club mid season, but that means a long lonely drive mid week for me, also visiting Dad in CH on my own continually is emotionally draining; I really don’t think I could face socialising now in the evening.
Thank goodness I can escape with my artwork & I love a good book.
Just read Tangerine by Christine Mangan
& The Salt Path by Raynor Winn -(inspirational book!)
Weirdly as I picked them up on a supermarket dash a couple of months ago, they have a PWD in both books. Never come across that before & certainly wasn’t obvious/ mentioned on book cover. Both books kept me riveted & The Salt Path was really inspirational & a must read.
I’m normally a chick lit sort of gal.... so it was a step away from my usual.
@canary i hope you are able to enjoy the lovely weather a bit, thank you for all the support. I hope you have a chance to have some me time
(((((Hugs)))))
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
I have seen this too but I'm not too bothered by it. My dad was the definitely the social butterfly in his day, especially as he was good with DIY tasks. Now they can't find his phone number and address.

A couple of his friends occasionally turn up out of the blue but tend to get in the way and/or throw advice when it's not needed. We are still polite to them when they come round but admittedly the only time I was pleased to see one of the two was when dad was a bit rude to him and then turned his back to him. I couldn't help feeling smug because this one and his wife badmouthed us (dad's family) saying we're not doing enough for him or asking the council for help (dad's self funding so they're talking out their backside) when we do everything for him as he's at the latter stages. We've explained dementia to this friend but he did not believe us that it was that bad until that moment.

As for my own friends, I had my own illnesses when I realised some started to drop off. And now we're busy with dad and I'm a mature student, I don't have to time to go out much so I'm fine with not being asked. I still make the effort to keep in touch and take an interest in their lives, so if I want to go out, I'll suggest it but I'll admit it is a rarity to do so.
It’s a strange phenomenon that unless someone sees the PWD having issues that person is sceptical about the families/ carer concerns /statements about behaviour! Yet believe everything the PWD tells them hook line & sinker!
 

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