Friends letting you down...

[father ted]

Not entirely related to this forum but I know I have seen posts on here before about support or lack of it from their friends. Would appreciate some opinions on this:

A very good friend of many years and to whom I was very close decided to cut me out of her life around 5 years ago. No explanation or communication despite my increasingly needy e mails/ phone calls asking her to contact me. After realising I was getting nowhere I decided to cut my losses and leave things be. No communication for 5 years and now a mutual friend is very ill and this has brought her into my orbit again. Full of apologies, sorry for the way they behaved, asking to be forgiven and explaining why they had 'cut themselves off'. They had been through a very tough time but had been selective about who they cut themselves off from- seemingly only me as I know other mutual friends had contact with my friend throughout this time. Also being a full time carer to my Mum with AD and my severely disabled daughter both who live with me it is hardly all s***and giggles round here, as my son would say.

I told my friend how hurt I was to be dropped with no explanation and she apologised again and acknowledged she was wrong but then comes out with how much she loves us all, misses my Mum, wants to see her etc etc. I am still cross, I feel she loved my Mum so much that she decided to take a wide berth of a woman in her 80's with AD for 5 years!! I still feel so hurt by her actions and I feel that our friendship will never be the same. How have others coped or reacted when those they trusted let them down?
I just feel I will never feel the same way about her.

 

[Risa]

You were reaching out to her and she shut you down If I were in your shoes I would spend time and energy on my real friends. If I mixed in the same social circles I would be polite but put her in 'the friend of a friend' category. Five years is a long time to ignore someone and while she may have been going through hard times, you weren't having a party either. As a fan of Regency Romance books I would give her the "cut direct" as they did back in the day

 

[Cat27]

She's a cheeky moo. I'd keep her at arms length & concentrate on your true friends.

 

[sue38]

When my dad died 7 years ago, after a long battle with dementia, a group of people I believed were my friends let me down. A couple of years ago I got a card from them telling me how much they loved and missed me. I can't repeat here what I was tempted to reply , but it was all too little too late.

At least this person has acknowledged that they were a rubbish friend and apologised. You might choose to accept their apology but if I were you I would be reluctant to put my trust again in someone so flaky.

 

[mab]

No, you will never feel the same. She let you down and she can't expect to pick up where she left off after 5 years. She's now an acquaintance and your relationship's on a completely different footing. True friends stay just that, whatever circumstance or distance.
Life's too short to concern yourself with 'fair weather friends'! Enjoy the true ones. x

 

[Tin]

Years ago a friend cut me out of her live and up to that point we shared everything. We shared a birthday and I continued to send her cards, but nothing from her. A year ago she learnt from mutual friends that I was caring for my mum and suddenly the phone started ringing again no explanation for the silence, just that we should get together for lunch or something. My answer to her was short and polite, told her my life was so different now, but thank you for calling. I still do not know what happened, all she could say was that she was in a very dark place back then, PLEASE!!!

 

[love.dad.but..]

Not a friend but a sister who also had poa with me, joint an severely thankfully, cut off all communication with me. Did the asking, pleading, is it something I did, empathetic, angry etc emails and texts...nothing. yes we all cope with things differently as her husband said to me at Dad's deathbed recently. Several times over the last 18 months when hubby was having chemo, I was selling dads house, dad was unwell...nothing from my sister. Apologies each time I cornered her, it's not you its me and she would change but nothing ever did. Always my sister but I eventually concluded we were not as close as I thought we were, she was fine face to face at the funeral, we will be fine as I sort out dads estate but sadly am not expecting much from then on

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Seems to me that once a relationship has changed it can never be the same again, no matter how we 'paper over the cracks'. The hurt happened, and trust, once. lost, can't be restored.

I've been going through something similar with someone who I thought was my friend but rejected me when I needed a friend. It took me a while to realise our friendship had always been a one way thing...she took and I gave. I avoid her as much as I can, and am scrupulously polite, but she will never be my friend again.

 

[Marcelle123]

I'd advise that you treat her courteously for your own sake, so you have nothing to reproach yourself with. Be polite but distant. But you are right that things can't be the same and if I were you, I wouldn't bring her back into the centre of my life again.

My sister has been extremely nasty to me without provocation during the Mum-crisis so I know how very painful this sort of situation is. I am following my own 'polite-but-distant' advice but it's hard.

Very best wishes.

 

[marionq]

I was contacted by a friend from 45 years ago who disappeared without explanation. Although I didn't rush into renewing the friendship, we have met up since, and she has explained and apologised. She has lost much more from her behaviour than I have so I just glossed over it but if course I would never trust her again.

We are both in our seventies and so to be still miffed about something caused by her husband who divorced her twenty years ago seems to be a bit teenagy to me.

It's all a question of judgement and circumstances.

 

[cragmaid]

We lost our friends when we moved house.

OH and I moved house 13 years ago. We had lived in a large Victoria terraced house, and had a large circle of like minded, very close friends.
We downsized partly because we were rattling around in a house that needed more work and money spending than we were prepared to pay, and also because OH had cut his work hours and both elderly mothers were needing more time.

We moved. Not far. 11 miles. There was even a bus route from where we lived to our new house. Four months later OH's Mum died. Then my Mum became sight impaired and her memory problemes became Dementia. ( say no more about that).

In 13 years, despite invitations,( and even in one case, maps,) we have been visited by one man( bless him) weekly because he runs and cycles with OH. We have had two visits from one couple and one visit from another. We have been to weddings, parties and get togethers back in our stomping ground, but these friends don't give a twopenny damn about us if we don't visit them. We don't exist unless we are on their territory. We had the nerve to leave the enclave.

I'd love to say....Friends, who needs 'em? ..... but I do. I'm lonely. I have no single girl friend. I cannot remember when I was in a pub with anyone other than family.

I have no friends in reality. I have lots of friends here in TP Land thank goodness, but just once I would like a friend to ring me and say " coffee?"

Going now, before the eyes get too wet....... going to look for a dress for a wedding....

 

[Spamar]

(((((Hugs))))). I know they're only virtual ones, but it's the best I can do!

We moved 11 years ago, but luckily kept most if our friends. I think the difference is that most of us moved within a year of each other. Some of us wanted to downsize, some moved for work, some to be closer to family.
Although I have seen the closer ones, out far flung friend has just moved back! Yes! Mind you, she only went to Yorkshire!

 

[father ted]

Many thanks to all of you. It really feels like I hit a nerve and the issue of being ignored by long time friends is more common than I thought.
If you have ever seen an episode of Sex and the City or watch Loose Woman or listen to Woman's Hour you are told that female friendships are so strong, best friends and all that but I think it is a myth.

Cragmaid, if you lived nearer I would meet you for a coffee! I really miss the sort of friendship of being able tiring someone up if there is a film I want to see or just chat. I am lucky that I do have some good mates but some live too far away to see regularly and the others I do meet when I can, they tend to be other carers too.
Caring can be very lonely and I think as our lives change it distances from those we met in previous lives when we were different.
Thanks for replying and I will go with my gut instinct which is to remain polite but not put any emotional effort into fixing something I didn't break.

 

[Linbrusco]

Theres nothing like a serious illness, to find out who your family & friends are.
Very evident for me when my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour, and had two years of surgeries, chemo & radiation, and then later on with my Mum diagnosed with Alzheimers.

I did mend one friendship. A good friend of mine from high school... we fell out over something stupid, and when my husband was diagnosed with his cancer, I never heard a word from her either. She knew what was happening through another friend.
About a year after his treatment, I bumped into her out shopping. She was very red faced. I just went up to her and gave her a hug.
Turned out while DH was going through all his treatment, she had had a minor stroke, her husband lost his job, her grandmother died, and her husbands grandmother died.
We let bygones be bygones, and she has now been a huge support to me throught Mums Alzheimers.

Biggest disappointment has been my half sister.
Not one bit of support throughout my husbands illness, despite her promises to do so.... not even a phone call to see how we were, and now Mum.
Has visited Mum half a dozen times in the last 10 yrs, hasnt seen her in over a year, and not once to the care home.
She sent my sister a text message, on Mums birthday to ask if Mum was happy!!??

 

[MaNaAk]

Not entirely related to this forum but I know I have seen posts on here before about support or lack of it from their friends. Would appreciate some opinions on this:

A very good friend of many years and to whom I was very close decided to cut me out of her life around 5 years ago. No explanation or communication despite my increasingly needy e mails/ phone calls asking her to contact me. After realising I was getting nowhere I decided to cut my losses and leave things be. No communication for 5 years and now a mutual friend is very ill and this has brought her into my orbit again. Full of apologies, sorry for the way they behaved, asking to be forgiven and explaining why they had 'cut themselves off'. They had been through a very tough time but had been selective about who they cut themselves off from- seemingly only me as I know other mutual friends had contact with my friend throughout this time. Also being a full time carer to my Mum with AD and my severely disabled daughter both who live with me it is hardly all s***and giggles round here, as my son would say.

I told my friend how hurt I was to be dropped with no explanation and she apologised again and acknowledged she was wrong but then comes out with how much she loves us all, misses my Mum, wants to see her etc etc. I am still cross, I feel she loved my Mum so much that she decided to take a wide berth of a woman in her 80's with AD for 5 years!! I still feel so hurt by her actions and I feel that our friendship will never be the same. How have others coped or reacted when those they trusted let them down?
I just feel I will never feel the same way about her.

Dear Fater Ted,

You've got a lot of friends here!

MaNaAk

 

[father ted]

I know MaNaAk, I don't know what I'd do without this site. It has been a life line and I can be totally honest here.

It would be lovely if one day we could all come face to face in the real world but please know I am so grateful for the support on here.

 

[BR_ANA]

I am the one that forget friends. On 40s I developed severe depression ( with or due to care and worry for my mum) so now I had almost no friend.

If people invite me, I began to think of ways to not go. ( all I want is stay at home in my bed)

However when I am able to visit, friendship come back and I am able to enjoy their company.




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[InElysium]

I know the feeling all too well, I lost friends and relationships as a result of being a carer. I too felt forsaken and hurt. Fast forward a few years and people always say, it takes a bad situation to know who your real true friends are. The ones that stand by you no matter what. The ones that don't - you don't need in your life. Of course there are also true friends that you don't always hear from but you can pick up from where you left off as though it was only yesterday.

I am left with 3 that I know if I phone, they will always answer. They also say you ever only need on average 3 anyway. I think the more you have, the more diluted it becomes.
Marcelle makes a good point though about remaining courteous. It might be like saying don't lower yourself to their standards or don't burn your bridges. You never know, you might just need them in future, although when something like this happens it's easy to have so many different emotions and thoughts about cutting them off in the same way they did to you.
I would just be courteous and not go above and beyond the call of friendship unless it is convenient to you.