Four Weeks On and Still Numb and In Disbelief *poss triggers*

[Lottie40]

Hi,
Some may have read my posts on End of Life forum section.Its 4 weeks this Sunday and I still feel numb and in disbelief .I just keep thinking Mum will walk back in sometime soon,that she has been somewhere else for a while but will soon be back .
I'm sorry if what I post next maybe Triggering for others but I need to be able to share it with people who may understand .
In 4 months Mum went from walking around with her frame and making supper for Dad to being robbed of her mind and body to Alzheimers.She passed on January 19th.

I don't really know how to put this into words so please forgive me if it doesn't read well.

The Mum I cared and nursed at home and whose hand I held and hair I stroked as she slowly went into deeper levels of unconsciousness over several days physically looked nothing like Mum .She literally looked like someone else ,her physical appearance and facial features and expressions were nothing like my Mum.This Mum was so terribly emaciated ,her face so contorted and sunken .I was fine caring for her,talking to her,singing to her and praying for her,bathing her etc and kissing her forehead but I had no idea that the Alzheimers would literally destroy her body as well as her mind right in front of my eyes .It was terrible and the images I see in my mind are of that Mum and not my Mum .I can't believe how or why the Alzheimers could destroy her in a matter of months .Over the first few years of the Early Onset Alzheimers the progress of the disease was very gradual .I can't understand how it could do what it did in such a short time .
Throughout Mums illness I was always very realistic about how things would progress and knew that eventually it would take Mums life but I don't think I really knew the degree of change it would make on her appearance .Please don't misunderstand ,I love Mum no matter what but the Mum in the bed had no resemblance to My Mum .

I just don't seem to believe that My Mum and that Mum could be the same .


I'm sorry if any of this is triggering for others but I just don't know who to talk to.


Thanks for listening

Lottie x

 

[PatsyAnne]

Hi Lottie. I'm so sorry you're so sad. I can understand why and it will take time for you to accept such a huge loss.

I hope in time you can remember your darling mum and smile at the good times you had together and the love you shared.

Take your time and don't bottle up your feelings.

I send you lots of love and hope you find some peace.

PatsyAnne xxxx

 

[Dikimiki]

A similar experience

Hi,
Some may have read my posts on End of Life forum section.Its 4 weeks this Sunday and I still feel numb and in disbelief .I just keep thinking Mum will walk back in sometime soon,that she has been somewhere else for a while but will soon be back .
I'm sorry if what I post next maybe Triggering for others but I need to be able to share it with people who may understand .
In 4 months Mum went from walking around with her frame and making supper for Dad to being robbed of her mind and body to Alzheimers.She passed on January 19th.

I don't really know how to put this into words so please forgive me if it doesn't read well.

The Mum I cared and nursed at home and whose hand I held and hair I stroked as she slowly went into deeper levels of unconsciousness over several days physically looked nothing like Mum .She literally looked like someone else ,her physical appearance and facial features and expressions were nothing like my Mum.This Mum was so terribly emaciated ,her face so contorted and sunken .I was fine caring for her,talking to her,singing to her and praying for her,bathing her etc and kissing her forehead but I had no idea that the Alzheimers would literally destroy her body as well as her mind right in front of my eyes .It was terrible and the images I see in my mind are of that Mum and not my Mum .I can't believe how or why the Alzheimers could destroy her in a matter of months .Over the first few years of the Early Onset Alzheimers the progress of the disease was very gradual .I can't understand how it could do what it did in such a short time .
Throughout Mums illness I was always very realistic about how things would progress and knew that eventually it would take Mums life but I don't think I really knew the degree of change it would make on her appearance .Please don't misunderstand ,I love Mum no matter what but the Mum in the bed had no resemblance to My Mum .

I just don't seem to believe that My Mum and that Mum could be the same .


I'm sorry if any of this is triggering for others but I just don't know who to talk to.


Thanks for listening

Lottie x

I completely agree that the speed of decline towards the end is horrendous and the physical appearance of the loved one changes out of all recognition.
What I do to attempt to blot out the memories of the unrecognisable lady, my dying wife, is to display in rooms all around the house as many photos as I can find of her happy, smiling, radiant face. These help to remind me of the good times and make me feel close to her even though she is no longer present in my life, but constantly in my thoughts.
It is a very hard process and there are no quick and easy solutions. You have my deepest sympathy.

 

[meme]

since my mothers death in October I have found my mind automatically picturing and remembering her not as the little shrunken twig she was at the end but as the vibrant woman she was in all those years before, I have 3 main pictures of her in my front room,me and her from my childhood/middle years, just her face smiling (this one is on the mantlepiece and I see it every day) and 2 weeks before her death with my son holding her hand (this one is on the window sill tucked back a bit)........the end was just a small segment of their lives..x

 

[CollegeGirl]

What a heartbreaking post. I am so sorry. It must be very difficult to erase those images and replace them with happier ones of your mum prior to dementia. I have not experienced such a close bereavement, but four weeks is nothing and you are bound to still be feeling raw. Be kind to yourself.

I do hope I don't upset anyone, but this is why I hope and pray that something else takes my mam before she gets to that stage. A stroke, a heart attack, something quick. It's a horrible thought, but preferable to the alternative in my humble opinion.

Wishing you peace and strength x

 

[Herbie1]

Before Christmas my dad was singing and dancing at home, now he has been in hospital 6 weeks not eating, walking or talking, the hospital have not given him a shave which I complained about as dad has never looked so scruffy, he is certainly not the dad I know and love. I have a lovely photo of him giving me away at my wedding 7 years ago very smart, that is the dad I want to remember so it sits pride of place on my fireplace so I look at it daily. Dementia is the most cruel disease I hope it ends soon.

 

[Lottie40]

Hi,
Thankyou everyone for your supportive words and care .It helps to be able to be honest and talk about the things I've mentioned amongst folk who understand .

People have told me that the numbness is normal and varies in time length from person to person .i keep thinking about the Mum in the bed and then I find myself thinking "Well,where's my Mum gone then? " The last 4/5 months feel like some sort of weird time warp ,I was so focused on the practical care of Mum,getting Mum home from hospital and caring for her at home.I made such a determined effort not to get upset in front of her or show any of my anxieties or fears .i know I probably should stop trying to 'work the Alzheimers out' as I know I will never be able to but I have one of those minds where I try to constantly understand things .
Having so many questions unanswered but knowing that probably nobody can answer them : ( Like - Why did Mum go downhill so quickly?Did the fact that there was virtually no stimulation in hospital make a difference? Did her BiPolar Disorder and long term meds of strong antipsychotics cause the Alzheimers or make it worse?I have this going on in my head nearly all of the time and wish I didn't .

I'm sorry for going on so much as I don't want to trigger things for others .I just find that people around me that I bump into ask how I am And I genuinely don't know what to say because I don't really know how I am .

CollegeGirl,I can understand what you said .In those last weeks with Mum I found myself almost wishing her heart to be not so strong so it wouldn't continue.Am thinking of you x



Lottie x

 

[jenniferpa]

Lottie: can I suggest that if people ask you how you are you be honest? You say "I really don't know, I think I'm still in shock about the whole thing". You are still in shock and there's no time-scale when it come to grieving.