Found our care home

[father ted]

You will know from my previous posts that I have had a difficult time with my Mum of late.

Looking back in my diary I see that the last time Mum slept right through the night was October 15th. Since then she has woken up usually 2 or 3 times and on a few occasions 4,5 or 6 times. She calls me to help her use the commode as she can't get out of bed and sit on the commode on her own. She will tell me to leave her on there and go back to bed but of course this makes no sense. I will maybe lie awake for an hour waiting for her to call again and then gradually drift off for maybe an hour or two before she calls out again. I am exhausted, bad tempered and feel really rough as I have had lots of stomach trouble which is being investigated.
Things came to a head after last night when my husband said this can't go on. He said I looked exhausted and was making myself ill. He let me lie in as I had a broken night but I was then woken to hearing my daughters sobs because my husband was helping her instead of me! So I called the home I had visited and liked and asked to get the process going to admit Mum. They did a preliminary assessment today and said they will send paperwork through for proposed admission in early January. I am sad but also hugely relieved.

My question to those who have been through this already is: Is there anything I should be aware of beforehand or that I need to do. I know about sewing labels in clothes. They said there would send a contract to sign. They said there would be a 6 week settling in period when the contract could be terminated by either side etc. Any advice greatly appreciated.

 

[DeMartin]

You will know from my previous posts that I have had a difficult time with my Mum of late.

Looking back in my diary I see that the last time Mum slept right through the night was October 15th. Since then she has woken up usually 2 or 3 times and on a few occasions 4,5 or 6 times. She calls me to help her use the commode as she can't get out of bed and sit on the commode on her own. She will tell me to leave her on there and go back to bed but of course this makes no sense. I will maybe lie awake for an hour waiting for her to call again and then gradually drift off for maybe an hour or two before she calls out again. I am exhausted, bad tempered and feel really rough as I have had lots of stomach trouble which is being investigated.
Things came to a head after last night when my husband said this can't go on. He said I looked exhausted and was making myself ill. He let me lie in as I had a broken night but I was then woken to hearing my daughters sobs because my husband was helping her instead of me! So I called the home I had visited and liked and asked to get the process going to admit Mum. They did a preliminary assessment today and said they will send paperwork through for proposed admission in early January. I am sad but also hugely relieved.

My question to those who have been through this already is: Is there anything I should be aware of beforehand or that I need to do. I know about sewing labels in clothes. They said there would send a contract to sign. They said there would be a 6 week settling in period when the contract could be terminated by either side etc. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I’m sure others will have more technical answers, but here are mine
Just simple things
A list of favourite foods, what she’ll always eat.
Pocket money to home for foot care, hair cuts etc
Copies only of photos
Nothing valuable, nothing irreplaceable
Mark reading glasses etc.
If she likes a handbag, mark it.
Be prepared for behaviour problems, she may hate you, swear at you, my mum is settling, 8 months it’s taken.
When you visit, I find it’s better to stay in the communal area, hostess mode can work both ways.

 

[Beate]

Label everything. Make a possessions inventory. Write everything important down about your Mum and hand it to the staff, then expect it to be thoroughly ignored, so also plaster notes around the room for a while and speak to them until they get it right. From personal experience I would strongly recommend to take her washing home, otherwise her clothes will be either boiled to death, forever in the laundry room or simply lost altogether. They'll ask you about a float for her expenses. Stipulate what it can be used for. Decorate her room before she goes in. Ask when and how often the doctor comes in then ask to see him. They will not automatically see everyone when they come, only people put on their rota. If she any had regular community health appointments, ask them to make sure they are carried on/referred again.

 

[Grannie G]

The Alzheimer`s Society has a publication This is me.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/downloads/file/3423/this_is_me – 48k


It can be downloaded and filled in to help the care home know more about your mum.

 

[Moggymad]

We provided additional hanging space as all mums clothes would not have fitted in the wardrobe. A marker pen is invaluable for things like shoes, (we labelled slippers), ornaments & personal belongings. Also label/mark equipment such as wheelchair, walking frame etc. Be prepared for things to go missing so don't take in anything that you cannot replace.

 

[Kevinl]

A lot depends on how well your mum and the home fit together, what one care home regards as unacceptable behaviour another may not hence the 6 week settling in period.
Every time we get someone new in the home I do my assessment of them and sometimes you can see it's going to go wrong before it even happens.
The move to the home can trigger behaviour changes in a PWD, many people have lived alone and aren't used to communal living, having people around them all the time and can become aggressive to the other residents specially the more challenging ones.
Some homes are staffed very well and issues like getting up in the night aren't a problem but others with lower staff levels might not like this as she needs help, as she's been using a commode at home I hope you've got her a room with an en-suite toilet at least, so the staff don't have to keep walking her up and down a corridor at night.
The thing is that you won't know what the home is really like until you try it and that means the staff and the other residents and how your mum interacts with them, how she takes to the new surrounds and environment.
it can be an eye opener visiting a care home because you get the chance to get to know a lot of people with AZ and it makes it easier to put your mum in context and the whole disease itself.
So many times on here I read a question about; resisting personal care, refusing medication, incontinence, , violence, spitting...just about every behavioural issue and although I've not experienced many of them I've seen pretty much all of them all first hand over the last 2 years.
I'm glad you didn't do the usual thing and gush about how "lovely" it is and how nice the grounds and the views are, it always fills me with a sense of foreboding that people are looking and judging a home on purely superficial things, it's about on thing only and that's how well it works for your mum. I hope it all works out well.
K

 

[doodle1]

-Use Stickins instead of sewing labels in clothes available through Amazon - stay on through the washes.
-I take mums knitteds home to wash- the home put a big sign up saying family takes knitwear home.
- I did a typed list of mums day from when she woke to when she went to bed. It really helps if the home keep to her routine so almost do it by quarter of an hour.
- a page about her and her life history,her likes and dislikes -for example if she becomes uncooperative when someone calls her "dear" or approaches her in a certain way for heavens sake say so
- do not sugarcoat the behaviour pill, be really honest and give them coping tips
- I sent in my standard responses to difficult questions- literally writing out the question and my normal reply.
- make her room as much of a nest as possible, I hung pictures,took in a couple of chairs she was used to ,ornaments .
- the first day I went in and spent the whole day there showing them her routine and how I did things ,every home is different tho and every PWD is too.
I was encouraged to visit so that she didn't feel abandoned but for others who were tearful at the beginning when their relative left the staff distracted them and they settled down. Mum is in a specialist dementia home.
Hope this helps - you cannot go on without sleep . It is used in torture camps to break people!!

 

[Amy in the US]

I use a laundry marker to write my mother's initials in her clothing, both on the fabric and on the tags. I would go mad if I had to sew or iron in, clothing labels!

Label everything you take: bedding, pillows, shoes, clothes, towels, photos (I use a sticky label on the back where it's not noticeable), everything. For items like her plastic laundry basket and rubbish bin, I used a permanent marker on the bottom and/or the side. I even put name labels on the furniture and I mark things like her toiletries, comb, hairbrush as well.

Take photos of items like eyeglasses. An inventory is probably a very good idea.

The only items I haven't marked or labelled, are her socks. I buy all the same kind, same color, ten pairs at a time. That way they all match and if one goes missing, it doesn't matter.

Don't take anything that can't be replaced: jewelry, original photos (get copies made and put them in inexpensive frames), family heirlooms, et cetera.

Remember there is an adjustment period not just for your mother, but also for you.

Take every opportunity to talk to staff and get to know them, and help them get to know your mother. At the beginning I could do this better over the phone, or privately in an office, because if my mother knew I was there, she demanded my attention. This may not be the case for you.

Items likely will go missing. It may or may not be worth it, to track them down/complain to the staff.

My mother and her "best friend" who has the room next door, have started wearing each other's clothes, and leaving their things in each other's room. They are roughly the same size and I have decided to run with it. As long as she is clean and warm and happy with what she is wearing, I try to let go and not care.

Here where we live, we are entitled by law, and by the rules of the care home where my mother lives, to regular meetings with the staff, called care conferences. I would advise you have some sort of meeting, or conference, with staff about 4-8 weeks after she moves in, again at 6 months, and then again at least once a year.

Find out how the staff will communicate issues to you, and how best to communicate with them. I use a combination of visits, emails, and phone calls. I also have the (personal) cell phone numbers of several staff members and know I can call them 24/7 if there is a problem. I've never had to do that, but it's peace of mind knowing I can.

Find out how doctors' appointments will be handled, transportation options, and so on.

Find out what services might be available: a podiatrist, hairdresser, manicures, whathaveyou, and what any costs might be.

It's all I can think of. Best wishes and hope you can get some sleep!

 

[love.dad.but..]

I think everyone has pretty much offered the advice I would give. Be kind to yourself and keep telling yourself you have done absolutely everything possible to keep her safe and looked after...the time is right for you to be helped in that task. You are still her carer but you now have people and the expertise to share the load

 

[Bod]

Be prepared to feel bad, very bad.
Remember what has been done is for everyone's benefit, most of all, hers.
Once she's settled, you will see the sense in the decision.

Bod

 

[DeMartin]

I ordered Cash's woven name tapes - the sort we had at school.
Plan ahead but be prepared for things to work out differently: I carefully chose photos, pictures, bible, crucifix for my aunt. I bought blue flock hangers for her wardrobe - slim to take up less space, non slip. After 7 months she's settled well in the home but won't have any item such as photos on show and has all her possessions including clothes (and hangers!) packed in bags in her room. The staff and I have given up trying to get her things into wardrobe and drawers, she just packs them up again.

My mum’s just the same, nothing personal on view except silk flowers, in a vase, in water! All clothes in rubbish bin bags, in the corner of the room.

 

[Louise7]

The only items I haven't marked or labelled, are her socks. I buy all the same kind, same color, ten pairs at a time. That way they all match and if one goes missing, it doesn't matter.

I didn't label Mum's socks either when she first went in - trouble is nobody else seems to either. Quite regularly she's wearing someone else's (often men's)!

 

[Graybiker]

Hi,
This may be the wrong thing to say, but I am glad you have found somewhere suitable for your mam.
As far what you need to know about care homes goes, I'm still a novice, but, I was pleasantly surprised when the home told us not to worry about name tags in mam's clothes. She went in quite quickly so I was concerned, but the manager told me they mark the clothes as they take them away for washing.
They have been true to their word, mam's clothes are all marked with her room number. Nothing's gone missing so far. It can be a big job so maybe worth checking if it's necessary before you start.
It's a tough time, no need to make it harder for yourself

I wish you well
X

 

[Jo Sutton]

I don't have any experience with CHs, @father ted but I just wanted to stop by and say you are clearly doing the best thing for everybody, especially your Mum, and to send you all my love and hope that it goes as smoothly as possible.

Don't forget to keep us updated and good luck with the move!

Hugs

Jo xx

 

[father ted]

Thank you to you all for taking the time out of your busy lives to reply with your good advice and best wishes.

The lady that came to do the assessment was very nice and laughed when she asked Mum what her hearing was like and Mum said "What?". She laughed and said do you wear hearing aids and Mum said no I am not that old yet- she is 91!
Mum has not reacted adversely about the home... so far. I am not going on about it all the time as I'm afraid this will rile her but when there is an opportunity for a bit of positive reinforcement I do mention it. E.g after getting my daughter undressed and in bed I then got Mum upstairs and helped her undress too. She said I do need help now and I do appreciate it so I said well in the home that's all part and parcel of the service. I have found out there are 2 people from her day centre there that she got on with but of course whether they will remember her is another thing.
If she does have a last minute panic I will say she has to go as I have some hospital investigations that need to be done( this is not a lie) and it is easier to do it while she is there. At the moment I think she understands that it is permanent but I am not so naive to imagine it will be that easy.
Thanks again I so appreciate all the valuable advice from those who are impartial and have been in the same situation too.

 

[SnowWhite]

-Use Stickins instead of sewing labels in clothes available through Amazon - stay on through the washes.
-I take mums knitteds home to wash- the home put a big sign up saying family takes knitwear home.
- I did a typed list of mums day from when she woke to when she went to bed. It really helps if the home keep to her routine so almost do it by quarter of an hour.
- a page about her and her life history,her likes and dislikes -for example if she becomes uncooperative when someone calls her "dear" or approaches her in a certain way for heavens sake say so
- do not sugarcoat the behaviour pill, be really honest and give them coping tips
- I sent in my standard responses to difficult questions- literally writing out the question and my normal reply.
- make her room as much of a nest as possible, I hung pictures,took in a couple of chairs she was used to ,ornaments .
- the first day I went in and spent the whole day there showing them her routine and how I did things ,every home is different tho and every PWD is too.
I was encouraged to visit so that she didn't feel abandoned but for others who were tearful at the beginning when their relative left the staff distracted them and they settled down. Mum is in a specialist dementia home.
Hope this helps - you cannot go on without sleep . It is used in torture camps to break people!!

Thank you so much for the tip about Stikins labels. I ordered some as soon as I read your post last night. At Mums horrible old Care home they just put a room number in their clothes which I thought was awful not even using their name so when she left there I cut them all out and binned them.

 

[Marcelle123]

Hope all goes well. It sounds like a good decision.

When I took my mother to the care home where she was eventually very happy for the last year of her life, things didn't go well at first. Mum did a lot of shouting out and banging on windows - also raised her stick to another resident. I was so scared that the home wouldn't let her stay.

However, one of the carers 'padded' her stick, and they watched her carefully in the dining room to defuse any arguments. Also we were able to get the local mental health team in. First Mum was put on memantine, and a few weeks later on an anti-depressant, citalopram - before that she hadn't been on anything, and it made all the difference.

Another thing that helped was when, after a month, I stopped going in every day. I found that Mum was using my visits to complain and thus making herself miserable and not settling in. When I cut my visits to three or four times a week, she adjusted to her environment. It was hard for me, but well worthwhile.

Hope you have a peaceful and happy Christmas. xx

 

[Amy in the US]

Father ted, my mother was initially VERY unhappy about the care home. She had been living alone with only the support I could provide long distance. She had a crisis and went into hospital (the US version of sectioning). She went straight from hospital to the care home, but we had to drive her, as ambulance transport would have been prohibitively expensive. (Long story.)

She had a moment of clarity during the drive and at admission, and it was not pretty. I got a lot of abuse. We all, including the staff, feared she would not settle. But she did settle, and she thrived in her care home.

So it can work out.

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi
We did a list of mums likes and dislikes even down to type of tv she would watch and stuff that set her off.
We also did a basic family tree of names/relationship /what mum called them etc.
Very useful when after a few weeks she was moaning she hadn't seen her best dr.recently.
The staff thought she meant felt ill but one of them realised she was referring to my eldest who is a Peadiatritian and when mum can't remember her name calls her best dr.

We also asked for mum not to have direct access to a phone as she would ring pleading to be collected. If the home thought she would benefit from a call they would txt me first either asking I call mum and they would give her the phone,or letting me know in advance what may be troubling her when she called me.
Good luck with the move.
Ros