I have cared for my 90 Yr old mother with moderate dementia and have lived with me and my 2 children for 8 years. I felt caring for my mum was the right thing to do but it has been very challenging, at the least it has changed family dynamics, loss of privacy, etc and at the most, my children both feel living with their elderly nan has ruined their childhood, they are now 21 and 18 yrs. We have a lovely daily, privately, arranged carer visit during the week. My daughter, 18 yrs, has had 2 suicide attempts in 12 months and continues to be vulnerable. I have a very demanding and stressful full-time job. When I was growing up my mother had several suicide attempts - I feel overwhelmed with the stress and if I am honest resentful towards her - which I feel very guilty about. I no longer feel able to continue to care for my mum. The stress of caring for her has sadly ruined any relationship I had with her. My brother is blocking my mother from going into a residential care home, despite the local authority recommending it. My brother is insisting on additional domiciliary visits which I feel is just too much and an infringement on my privacy in my home. My mum is not on the deeds or mortgage of the house but she does have equity in the property. Can I be forced to continue caring for my mum? Can additional domiciliary visits be forced? Does my or my children's well-being have any weight? TIA Sara
Forced to continue care by family
- Thread starter Sara2828
- Start date
Yes, I have a POA for health and finance. My brother has dealt with the finance side and has copies of POAs with his solicitor - I don't have a copy. He has threatened court action if I do not agree with additional dom visits as he argues I am not following my attorney duties for POA.
If it is joint you must both agree on action or can not act. If it is joint and several you can ac independently of your brother.
Welcome to the forum @Sara2828.
You might find it helpful to contact the support one -
www.alzheimers.org.uk
You might find it helpful to contact the support one -
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
In this situation I would suggest sort of calling his bluff, saying that he isn’t following his attorney duties by refusing the more expensive idea of a care home simply because he want to inherit, not because of his attourney duty to act on your mother’s best interest. So if he wants legal action then you have the same claim against him.
alternatively you can give up your role as attorney which would end the LPA, as if one person named in a joint only LPA stops being an attorney the LPA is then void, so he will no longer have any say.
Thank you cazcaz! A very helpful viewpoint. Despite several professionals recommending a residential home, he is ignoring it - I suspect he is trying to protect his inheritance of 5th of 200K, which he of course is denying!
Another alternative is to get medical backing. For example a gp, or ask for an assessment of your mother and a carers assessment for you. With that, you can PROVE you are acting in her best interest.
Have you spoken To anyone in your wider family eg your mother’s siblings etc, getting their support would show your brother to be acting against HIS duties as an attorney.
Another idea, inform your brother you are going on holiday and won’t hear of your mother going into short term respite care with strangers. The only option you will accept is either full time care home or she lives with your brother while you are “away” for 3 weeks+.
He will soon see how hard it is.
He will soon see how hard it is.
Your brother is a selfish bully. He may not have a leg to stand on and his threats may be empty but you need to get copies of the PoA documents to see what the provisions are. Ask him to send you copies or get copies from the OPG.
I think you have every reason to tell your brother that, regrettably, for the health and wellbeing of you and your family you can no longer undertake any of care of your mother and are going to source 24/7 live in care including personal care and escort to any medical appointments leaving him to organise appointments and supply of medications.
Then get a few quotes for this care and ask him to choose one.
Also get quotes for residential care.
Then get a few quotes for this care and ask him to choose one.
Also get quotes for residential care.
As I understand the OP it’s the physical presence of her mother that is the issue for her family. They can’t handle her being in their house anymore.
Your duty as PoA is to act in your mum's best interests. If medical professionals have told you she would be best with 24/7 care in a care home then that's where she should be. She's self-funding and you have PoA so you can just go ahead and arrange it. (N.B. I am not clear from your previous reply whether your brother shares PoA with you or just has copies of the documents...)
As for your brother threatening court action against you, tell him to go ahead - he's talking through his backside. It is an empty threat and I'm sure his solicitor would not support him.
As for your brother threatening court action against you, tell him to go ahead - he's talking through his backside. It is an empty threat and I'm sure his solicitor would not support him.
I think that what nitram was intending (although he has not specifically stated) is that getting 24/7 live-in care plus escort to appointments etc is more expensive than a care home. This ploy would really bring home to your brother the cost of increasing her care at home and may persuade him that a care home would be best.
