Forced out of the closet at 75.

[Sasha1]

My father has had dementia for 5 years. As his carers, we first started noticing his computer riddled by viruses, and with this, his searches for gay porn. One day his home care service provider who gives him his daily medication from a locked box, found him in bed with a young man. Social Services were alerted. We were alerted and so were the police. We had also been noticing large amounts of money being withdrawn from his bank account. My father also had some threatening calls. Eventually with much coaxing we got him to admit he was gay. He has hidden this all his life. I am very cognizant of why he kept it a secret. His background, worried about rejection from his family, children etc. Non of us are homophobic. Being gay is not the issue.
These are my concerns:
He is accessing men who are themselves secretly gay.
There have been threats because with dementia he constantly phones them and forgets he does it so.
He has been paying for sex which makes him even more vulnerable.(We recently got his doctor to check for stds and he was clear).
He has lied to the woman who he has been 'going out' with for 30 years. He does not want her to know because he will lose her and he relies on her.
I am worried about my own fury with him. He has always been selfish, but for him to keep his partner in the dark, and has done for all this time, does he deserve her??? I know she will not be able cope with his infidelities, and I think why should she??? Yet if she leaves him, he would be lost, and in all honesty so would we. He is very hard work and has 4 of us running around after him, oblivious to his own needs as according to him there is nothing wrong with him.
We as a family are at breaking point.
Is there anyone out there who might have something useful to say about any of this?

 

[Chemmy]

Hello Sasha

Welcome to Talking Point. Gosh, what a problem - with or without dementia added in for good measure.

I don't think I'm going to be able to offer any constructive advice, but hang on in here, I'm sure there will be someone who has some suggestions.

 

[chris53]

Hello Sasha and welcome to talking point glad you have found us, oh your poor dad with his not to be spoken of other life and now the added burden of dementia, afraid this is something I cannot advise on, however you must see his doctor and explain all he should and must be able to help you cope with dad, as dads other problem is not the main issue, it's combination of both,I hope another member of this site may be able to offer their experience to you hope things do start to be more clear, and please keep posting.

X

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sasha

I don`t think it`s about homophobia now but I imagine it was about homophobia 30 years ago when things were very different.

Now with dementia your father might have lost his inhibitions and is able to be his true self.

Sadly he is also vulnerable and easily taken advantage of.

I wonder if the link below can help you. There might be a local number you can call. If not they might be able to point you in the right direction

http://www.gaylifeuk.com/helplines-a-support-groups.html

Or you could try the Samaritans. They are not only for suicide and despair.


Emotional Health listening services:

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours, seven days a week)

Email jo@samaritans.org

Web Site www.samaritans.org

 

[Amy]

Hiya Sasha...what a predicament.

Was your father's partner, your mother.....what would you think was the correct thing to do? Would it make a difference if your father was liaising with women rather than men? I don't know the answers...just been trying to think how I would react.

Does your father's partner not deserve to know the truth...so that she can make her own decisions? How would she feel if she found out that everyone was deceiving her? Do you have a good relationship with her? No answers...just more questions

Amy

 

[Saffie]

What about the health issues with regards to your father's partner? I think she certainly needs to be informed. A thought that has occured to me is how bad is his dementia - are you sure that this is as he has always been or could he possibly have been persuaded that he is gay since having dementia, especially as money is involved? I stress this is just a thought, obviously you are more able to understand the situation and recognise the reality. I wish you well - a very difficult situation indded.

 

[sue38]

Hi Sasha and welcome to Talking Point.

I'm sorry to hear of all you are going through with your dad. It must be difficult to fathom how much of his behaviour is due to his dementia, or whether you are more aware of his behaviour because of the dementia.

I mean he might have been having relationships with men whilst maintaining his relationship with his long term partner even if he didn't have dementia. He has obviously become very skillful at hiding his sexuality over the years, and his dementia may be the reason he is no longer able to hide and the reason you have become aware. It might also be the reason he is taking risks with his sexual health.

This factsheet http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129 may explain some of the effects dementia may be having on your dad's behaviour.

 

[sistermillicent]

I think this must be a tremendous shock to you, and you should definitely follow sylvia's advice and talk it through with someone before you decide about doing anything. My immediate feeling is that you should tell the woman in his life so that she can make an informed decision about her own future, but I also think that your dad's relationship with her is between him and her and nothing to do with you (sorry, that isn't meant to sound nasty, just an expression) so you don't need to tell her.

Whatever, don't do anything until you have had the chance to talk about it with someone.

 

[meme]

It must be a shock for you but the practicalities are...it is between him and his partner whatever his sexuality is or has been. Now the issue of his sex life...someone could assist him in finding a rent boy and take care of the payment so he cant be "duped" and also lay down the safety rules which any self respecting sex worker will follow...depending how you view his right to choice!!

 

[jenniferpa]

It must be a shock for you but the practicalities are...it is between him and his partner whatever his sexuality is or has been. Now the issue of his sex life...someone could assist him in finding a rent boy and take care of the payment so he cant be "duped" and also lay down the safety rules which any self respecting sex worker will follow...depending how you view his right to choice!!

I don't know whether this was a serious suggestion, but anyone who attempted to arrange this would be in a potentially dodgy legal situation. If it wasn't a serious suggestion, I don't feel that this is the best place for levity about a really difficult and upsetting issue.

 

[Nanak]

Family revelations that come about after dementia is diagnosed are always much harder to deal with as the person you need to ask questions of is the very person unable to answer those questions....
I can't offer any advice for your problem but can only send a (hug) and hope you get some support soon for a very difficult situation
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

 

[CeliaW]

Sasha - you may find this site useful and could possibly get advice from them as to how to proceed and/ or how you may be able to decide if what is happening is consensual.

http://www.elderabuse.org.uk/

Hope you get some help as I am sure it must be a worry knowing what to do for the best.

Take care

Celia

 

[Glamour Puss]

Be Safe

Your father is leading his own life as he wants it and is cognisant of it.

My advice would be to tell this poor woman about it. My main concern would be unprotected sex and the spread of STI's. She has a right to know.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Are you sure the lady doesn't already know? Some years ago I had an elderly uncle, married but with a long term 'friend', we didn't question the nature of the situation, obviously there was a bit of speculation from some. The relationship worked well for the individuals involved. In the last years of their lives, the 'friend' was the star of it all in providing care although disabled himself.

Obviously I couldn't say for sure what i would do if I was in your situation but from my dealings with 2 lovely old men who coped with a lady with dementia, I would offer my opinion of what i would do. i think I would find a respected, poss long established organisation with has dealt with the issues of homosexuality from an era when men were poofs not gays. The people who lived through those ignorant times may well have a different outlook and be able to give insight and guidance.

By talking to those who understand, it might bring knowledge of whether those homosexual tendencies have always existed or whether he has been cleverly expolited since developing dementia. From my very limited knowledge of the gay world, it seems a complex genre, is it friendship/relationship or just sex that your father is involved with?

This must be a terrible time for you, you have my thoughts and good wishes.

 

[meme]

I don't know whether this was a serious suggestion, but anyone who attempted to arrange this would be in a potentially dodgy legal situation. If it wasn't a serious suggestion, I don't feel that this is the best place for levity about a really difficult and upsetting issue.

I was totally serious and am well aware it is a difficult and upsetting issue, so rather resent your insinuation that I am insensitive enough to make a joke of the situation.
It is not against the law to pay for a service in your own home and many disabled people use these means where none other exist. I was just making a suggestion which may be helpful and may not..everybody has a right to a sex life dementia or not , it may not be appropriate but It is worth discussing.

 

[jenniferpa]

someone could assist him in finding a rent boy

It's the "someone" part that I was referring to. I think you'll find, as I indicated, that taking such a action would put the procurer in a legally dubious position.

My apologies if you weren't engaging in levity.

 

[jimbo 111]

Hello Sasha
by a coincidence I have just been reading a rather long letter in today's
Daily Mail written by a gentleman of 89 entitled
" I'd hate to be the only gay in the care home "
The writer is a gay man and he is rather poignantly talking about his life experience as a gay man ( with a wife and three children ) and his doubts about life in a care home
It does give some understanding about the difficulties facing a gay man in his twilight years
I sincerely hope you are able to resolve your problem and your father gains some peace and understanding
jimbo

 

[meme]

I am wondering how you are getting on Sasha, and how you are managing this horrendously difficult situation...

 

[Tartuffe]

Goodness - what a dilemma.

I think I would have to bite the bullet and talk to Dad before anything else about how he feels and what he wants - I know this sound simple but it isnt really - its getting over the fact that your parents are sexual beings - look at how we all cringe at that thought.

I have no experience in this particular field so in order to offer an bit of moral support the issues that occur to me to explore (if it were my Dad) both from a practical and personal point of view would be-

1) personhood - Dad might not be gay - one of the more common symptoms of dementia is that of sexual inhibition which comes about from the brains inability to filter and organise the complex response to moral and societal repression, and where good old basic instinct to respond to stimulus and primeval triggers re-emerge. It looks like Dad's behaviour is not a problem for him - it is a huge problem for everyone around him understandibly. Unfortunately I still have my moral filter working to capacity despite how often I tell myself I am open minded - I need to be honest and comfortable with my own attitudes and focus on what I have in common with Dad rather than what sets me apart. I think it will take me some time to work out how I feel before i can be any good to help Dad.

2) vulnerability - Dad is less able to take personal responsibility for his actions, but his physical ability/drive to take the actions is undiminished which increases the burden of responsibility on those around him that are involved in his life. in time there may be ways of supporting him that are acceptable to both me, others and him but I would be very wary about taking any action at this point that involves securing the services of somebody paid specifically to perform a personal service (although I wouldnt rule it out in considerations of how I help him to meet his needs) i think I would need to talk to someone who knows more about this than me, maybe someone who works with sex workers or those who support people with addictions (some of the triggers can be similar)

3) safety - Dad needs to be as safe as is practical and others around him need to be included in his support, that includes having difficult conversations with others in his life so they can make choices about being with him or not.


my thoughts and good wishes are with you all the way.

Nickyx