1. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    I have just hurled an almost full pot of melted Ben and Jerry's icecream across the kitchen, missing the bin, because yet again my husband, who is in a fairly early stage of vascular dementia, has taken it out of the freezer, eaten some, and put it back into the fridge some time yesterday. B & Js is a real treat, and refreezing from runny is not a success.
    He knows where the ice trays live, and would put them back, but seems to have lost the association between 'ice' and cream, and I cracked.
    Husband is not so potty that he cannot still be on the Parish council, socialise etc, and when forced to remember things (we have had an ongoing 'which extension lead do I use with the lawn mower?' tussle, which has suddenly resolved, and he no longer tries to use one only for Black and Decker machines with new Draper) he can.
    He is now cleaning it up, and telling me it is no big deal, which I suppose in the overall scheme of things it isn't, and truth to tell I am feeling rather ashamed of my outburst.
    Please can anyone out there tell me I am not a complete cow, and that this is not the precursor of even nastier behaviour on my part. Or how to deal with things that, even if trivial, make me feel he no longer cares a stuff about what matters to me.
     
  2. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    #2 daughter, Jul 22, 2005
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2005
    Hi Rosalind,

    No, no, no, you're definately not any part of a cow, let alone a complete one! The frustration at your husband being ok one minute and then doing something daft the next (and doing the same thing over and over - and especially when it's trivial in the scheme of things) is bound to boil over now and again. Sorry, but I don't know a better way to deal with it other than doing what you have just done - told TP, where there's so many who understand. I wish I was able to buy you another big tub of B & J's (mainly to share it with you! ;) )

    Best wishes,
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I think we all snap at some stage, then get overcome by feelings of guilt.

    At one stage Jan could do pretty much everything still [play Rachmaninov on piano etc], yet couldn't write "Jan" on Christmas cards. She would take an hour, and still not manage it, and we had a pile of cards awaiting her name. I didn't want to do it for her as she was already accusing me of stealing every capability from her.

    Treat this is a lesson, it is easier that way. We need a safety valve, but they simply may not be able to do some of what seem to be the simplest things.

    Enjoy the fact that, at the moment:

    1) he will open the freezer
    2) can realise he enjoys ice cream and satisfy that wish
    3) he will try and put it away afterwards, even if in the wrong place. [Nigella sugests always putting the ice cream in the fridge just before serving it. Can't leave it there too long though....]

    Don't be hard on yourself. Your husband seems to be carrying on as normal?
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Don't stop chucking !!!

    Of course you're not a cow, and No, this probably ISN'T the thin end of worse behaviour (by you, that is). I think that it's a healthy "letting off steam" reaction, given that the said ice cream was beyond salvage anyway.

    As many here have said before, it's often the little things which are the most infuriating (my Mum has just started a phase of "putting things away somewhere safe", & then forgetting where that was! :eek: Very irritating to have to start searching the house for her purse or the door keys when you get home from work)

    Try not to cause yourself pain with thoughts like "he no longer cares a stuff about what matters to me". If he were healthy, i.e. did not have AD, that might be a consideration, but the AD is robbing him of such social niceties, it's not a deliberate act (or neglect of your feelings).

    Looking at it sideways, perhaps it might be an idea to buy the B & J's (or whatever) in the smaller sizes, to reduce the wastage? Then there will still be one for you, when you need the comfort food!

    Hugs
     
  5. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    Support and advice

    Bruce,do we have a someone who can give me legal advice re making a new will and tennants in common/ have e-mailed a solicitor who quotes will with property trust £496 plus vat!
    and Iennants in common £125 plus vat.
    So that if I die before my wife I can leave my share of the property to me daughter,so that she is not disinherited if my wife has to go into a care home.
    Please advise.
     
  6. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    Nada,

    Thanks Nada,but she referred me to another number ,who only had a recorded message .I thought there wa someone here who was able to give advice,was it one of the moderators?
     
  7. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    Yes Nada,I lefta message,Iwas given a number which eventually gave me yet another number to ring,I remember seeing on one of these posts information about tennants in common,and changing or making a new will,I believe Bruce knows who it was ,I have been unable to find the thread .but it would appear to be what I need,A solicitor has quoted me £125 plus vat for a TIC and £496 for a new will. Being pensioners ,we dont have that kind of money.If I have come to the wrong place for the advice I need I apologise
     
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,112
    Toronto, Canada
    Rosalind,

    You are not a cow. You are simply someone who had a momentary snap because the rollercoaster ride of back & forth "now he remembers, now he doesn't" overwhelmed you.

    I find that very back & forth thing - better some days, worse others - sometimes being harder to deal with simply because of the inconsistency. We never know where our loved one is & always seem to be scrambling!! My cousin's wife, whose father had had many strokes, said "Just when you think you know where you are, they move the goal posts on you". So true.

    How about buying the smaller sizes as Lynne suggested & hiding it in the freezer?

    We all snap - I've screamed at my mother "I hate you & your Alzheimer disease!". Wasn't that logical of me? Yes, I felt badly after, we all do but we're only human & the odd food tossing or shrieking isn't the end of the world.

    Keep your chin up.
    Joanne
     
  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi frederickgt

    I'm afraid it is as Nada says - I'm in the mire with everyone else, and no expert on anything legal.

    I paid nothing to have my mortgage changed to tenants in common, and my solicitor at the time [a personal friend] charged nothing as I think it is a simple form to sign, obtainable perhaps from the building society.

    I paid £120 for my latest [fairly simple]will, at a new solicitor. He suggested he does an EPA for me, and the charge would have been £65, though I have not done it yet. Apparently advice is that everyone should have an EPA but this sounds like a money-making wheeze to me! Having seen and signed Jan's EPA, it isn't rocket science and I have no idea why one might need a solicitor.
     
  10. chrissieL

    chrissieL Registered User

    Jun 22, 2005
    54
    Shropshire
    Rosalind,
    I find the constant repetitiveness, same questions, same routine, same conversations (especially first thing in the morning) a real strain. My husband picks up on my moods and if I'm not happy and cheerful, he isn't! It's very hard to keep up. When I feel really stressed and I get the chance, I drive somewhere out in the wilds, make sure the windows are wound up and scream 'till my lungs hurt. I hope no one ever hears me, but it doesn't half make me feel better, if not a little daft. Then I can laugh at myself and go home. :eek:
     
  11. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    #11 frederickgt, Jul 22, 2005
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2005
    Brucie

    I now have further information,This is from Lawpack.Co.Uk.
    Last will & testament-propertythat doesnt pass under a will.
    If your home is jointly owned with another person?If so,is the property held under a joint tenancy(which means you both own the whole property) or under a tenancy in common ,which means you each own a specific share in the property,say half and half,or one third and two thirds.
    If the property is held under a joint tenancy,then upon your death your interest in the property automatically goes to your surviving joint owner
    If your property is owned under a tenancy in common,then you can give your share in the property to whomever you wish
    If you wish to do so,you can(unless you are domiciled in Northern Ireland)easily change a joint tenancy into a tenancy in common by presenting your co-owner with written notice of your intention.

    it is important,however,that this written notice is given before your death,and not in your will.
    (The enabling legislation has not yet been passed in Northern Ireland)
    Does that make it clearer Brucie?
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi frederickgt

    well yes, I already understood all that. I had EPS for my wife, at that time unregistered, but all I needed to do was sign the form to change the form of tenancy. There was no way she could understand the thing at the time, or later, so there was no point in giving it to her.

    In my case, I was simply making sure that my half of our house would not pass via her to her family that has deserted her, should I pop my clogs first.
     
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi ChrissieL

    I bought all the DVDs for Stargate at the time I needed to scream, and simply watched them, end to end. Worked for me.
     
  14. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Frederickgt
    our financial advisor did the whole package for us.
    Epa,Tenants in common,wills,pre paid funerals.
    It is roughly as you say and as Bruce did explain before.
    You can find a FA,log on financial advisors and you can then choose one nearest to where you live.
    They work out costs on the jobs done,they may not charge if they receive commission from any of them.
    Hope this helps
    Norman
     
  15. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Rosalind
    you are not a cow,I am a pig as my wife tells me from time to time.
    I have found the ice cream liquidised in the fridge on several occasions,the dish cloth in the dustbin,paper tissues everywhere you can imagine.
    Flora in the freezer,bathroom towels in the kitchen and kitchen towels in the bathroom.
    My wife can wreck a bed in 2 minutes flat, Duvat upside down,pillows in the bed somewhere.
    I find the strangest things happen but I cannot find out who does them.
    I don't and Peg swears it's not her,.
    You are not alone,the top of the garden is my swearing part,it relieves the feelings.
    Norman
     
  16. chrissieL

    chrissieL Registered User

    Jun 22, 2005
    54
    Shropshire
    Bruce,
    thanks for the tip, I can't remember when I last watched a DVD to the end though!

    Norman,
    I must remember the trip to the bottom of the garden, sounds good to me. I feel like a good swear right now, had a bad day today, it's a bit late now though.

    Sleep tight everybody
    LOL
     
  17. ElaineMaul

    ElaineMaul Registered User

    Jan 29, 2005
    333
    Hi,
    Although this query is moving a little away from the topic, I'm curious about the differences between joint tenancy and tenancy in common.

    When the 'powers that be' look at a person's finances to see whether they have to fund care themselves, will the type of house ownership make a difference?

    I'd hate to think that my Mum will worry about whether these 'powers that be' might eventually say they'd have a right to the share of the house. Also, my brother still lives with them; it's his home as well. Is there any way of safeguarding things for his sake? I can envisage a situation where, on the death of the second person, the house would have to be sold to 'pay back' ...... leaving my brother homeless ..... or perhaps it doesn't work like that?

    I know that my Mum and Dad have written a will; they leave everything to the other person and after that, jointly to my brother and myself. As a random thought off the top of my head, I dare say it's too easy to say ...... would transferring the house to my brother and me now stop this problem? I doubt it somehow! My Dad is still perfectly able to understand things ..... and please believe me, as far as both Paul and I are concerned ..... we hope they spend any money they have on themselves! ....... but I worry about whether my brother would inadvertantly end up homeless at some point in the future.

    Thank-you
    Elaine
     
  18. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    Thanks to all who made me feel less bovine. Small Ben and Jerry's not easy to find, in my part of the world, but hiding stuff behind something boring like frozen peas would be feasible.

    I now have visions of you all screaming and swearing in secluded spots. Maybe we should have an annual convention, with prizes for who can hurl dairy products furthest, scream loudest, come up with the most inventive swearing sessions etc.
     
  19. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    After the screaming and swearing is done, a sense of humour is a necessity! The Carer's Olympics sounds great. Thanks for the chuckle Rosalind :)
     
  20. Matzu

    Matzu Registered User

    Jun 7, 2005
    11
    South Carolina
    I don't and Peg swears it's not her,.

    Norman, there is a gremlin out there somewhere! He visits my house too.

    Re. the small size Ben and Jerry's -- why not get the big size and repackage it into individual servings?
     

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