Fit to drop ... please may I stay a while?

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,694
0
Hello @CJG20 welcome to Dementia Talking Point, you'll find lots of friendly support and advice here. Feel free to join in with the conversations or start your own thread if you wish, or just reading through some of the other messages might help as you'll see that there are lots us of here in similar situations who you can share your thoughts with and who will listen.
 

CJG20

Registered User
Mar 8, 2021
21
0
Hi Louise7, thanks for your warm welcome, its appreciated, no doubt this site will be of great value in many aspects with people like yourself contributing.
Best wishes
CJG20
 

Blunderwoman

Registered User
Mar 7, 2021
11
0
Thankyou so much for your lovely welcoming messages, everyone.
So much support here already!
It’s been a very busy week so I haven’t had time to get back onto this forum...until now.
Just a bit about my situation...here goes.
I first started caring when I was 25 years old. My mum had a brain aneurysm and other problems at age 58
Fast forward 33 years....now I am 58 and am still caring...although these days it’s more age-related (my mum is 92!!) and I think, has some kind of dementia.
Of course, in the years between the ages or 58-92, things got a lot better as my mum improved ...but still needed help. So it hasn’t always been as tough as it was for the first few years...and these last few years.
But because the caring role fell onto my shoulders (my two sisters are quite a bit older than me, and had long since left home) ...somehow, I never really got the full opportunity get right out and away from the situation.
So here I am...still living with my mum.
And now I’m knocking 60...I am looking backwards and reflecting on how many years of freedom I have not really had...and resenting this current stage in my life. I feel so so trapped and depressed.
I have no idea what to do.
I feel so sad about even thinking of care homes. My mum is - at times -lucid enough to still be very aware, and able to say no to any suggestion of residential care.
I just have no idea what to do. I want a life without being at someone’s beck and call.
Mum calls me relentlessly some days and I feel like I’m going off my head, she can be so demanding and selfish.
Any input from you good folks would be much appreciated.
??
peace, love and light to you all xxx JC
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,146
0
Southampton
hello @Blunderwoman , thats a lot of years of caring that no wonder you have wondered what is out there just for you. you are so young. could your sisters sit with your mum just so you can have a break just to walk or what ever may take your fancy just for a bit of life. with a big birthday coming up, its natural to look back and wonder what you would have done if you wasnt a carer. what do you like doing?
 

Adoralan

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
58
0
Hi @Blunderwoman, I'm not surprised you are feeling fed up. I'm new here myself and my situation is very different from yours, so I think there are others who could give you more useful advice. Just from what I have read on here so far, here are some thoughts. Have you had a carers assessment and your mum a needs assessment from Social Services? You are living with your mum - if she does need to go into care, what happens to you - does she own the house, or is it yours? You want a life without being at someone's beck and call , and you are entitled to that. I think many carers allow the person they are caring for to make unreasonable demands through misplaced guilt. It may be easier once lockdown is over to arrange a sitter for your mum while you get out by yourself for a while. Perhaps respite care might be an option, so you could get away for a bit? Would one of your sisters be willing/able to help out - what is their level of involvement with looking after your mum? Very best wishes, make sure you take time to pamper yourself a bit .
 

Blunderwoman

Registered User
Mar 7, 2021
11
0
hello @Blunderwoman , thats a lot of years of caring that no wonder you have wondered what is out there just for you. you are so young. could your sisters sit with your mum just so you can have a break just to walk or what ever may take your fancy just for a bit of life. with a big birthday coming up, its natural to look back and wonder what you would have done if you wasnt a carer. what do you like doing?
Hi Jennifer1967. Thankyou ?? I should have said in my message that the younger of my two sisters passed away 22 years ago...also from a brain aneurysm. She was 45.
my elder sister is now 72 and she and my brother in law stated last year that they could no longer have mum to stay there as they could not manage her.
My sister comes round to help me with stuff around the house once a week though.
I have some nice hobbies...but can never manage to get around to them, lol.
My niece helps me with a couple of overnights a week, as night care too, was getting too much for me.
 

Blunderwoman

Registered User
Mar 7, 2021
11
0
Hi @Blunderwoman, I'm not surprised you are feeling fed up. I'm new here myself and my situation is very different from yours, so I think there are others who could give you more useful advice. Just from what I have read on here so far, here are some thoughts. Have you had a carers assessment and your mum a needs assessment from Social Services? You are living with your mum - if she does need to go into care, what happens to you - does she own the house, or is it yours? You want a life without being at someone's beck and call , and you are entitled to that. I think many carers allow the person they are caring for to make unreasonable demands through misplaced guilt. It may be easier once lockdown is over to arrange a sitter for your mum while you get out by yourself for a while. Perhaps respite care might be an option, so you could get away for a bit? Would one of your sisters be willing/able to help out - what is their level of involvement with looking after your mum? Very best wishes, make sure you take time to pamper yourself a bit .
Hi Adoralan
Thankyou too for your kind reply??
yes I have had Carer’s assessments every year, but my mum hasn’t yet been able to have a dementia assessment. But I should be able to get her to have one soon.
If mum did go into care, I have now been assigned the secure tenancy here so I will not have to move...thank goodness.
You are SO right in saying that many carers allow the person they are caring for to make unreasonable demands due to misplaced guilt.
Well said?...and absolutely true in my case.
I am definitely going to look into respite care, to begin with.
Thankyou so much
Best wishes to you too
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
0
Bedford
Hi.
Could you get some Carers in to help provide you some support? Whether that is to provide company so you can have some time to yourself (appreciate it is difficult to get out and about) or other practical help.
Would your Mum go to Day Care? If and when they are open.
I am sure others on here will have some better ideas and thought