1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

First visit to husband in Care

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Sarahdun, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    my husband moved into a Care home on Thursday and I have been so worried about it all. He is only 63 - so over a decade younger than anyone else there.

    My first visit was today - it is almost shocking to see how much he has settled - indeed he does not seem to understand that he has moved at all.

    It is a sign of how much his dementia has moved on recently, but also huge kudos to the staff who are just brilliant with him. Hugely relieved - not sure what else to feel
  2. nestle

    nestle Registered User

    Jul 22, 2016
    Southwest but Yorkie by birth
    Relieved is good . I guess the rest takes time . If I may hugs to you
  3. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    Hi Sarahdun
    Glad you have now found a place for your OH.
    It is now 10 weeks on Tuesday since my OH moved to his care home (age 62).
    We never told him he was moving, he didn't even question where we were going. He has settled in well and appears to be happy in his surroundings. The staff are lovely and take good care of him.
    He is happy when I visit, but gets upset when I leave. He is settling more quickly now when I leave, don't know if he forgets I have been more now.
    It will get easier as he gets more settled. Try and have some well deserved me time.
    I know it was the best decision for both of us. I visit twice a week, and take him out. Our sons visit too. I am now seeing my grandchildren and getting my life back. Still miss him terribly and feel bad, but I know it's not his or my fault he got this terrible disease.
    Take care
    Rose x
  4. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Thank you both!!

    Literally never lived on my own or not looked after someone else. But managed to keep my work and am looking forward to immersing myself in that, not watching the clock and being able to go out in the evening. It’s all very odd .....

    And, Rose, I snuck away - didn’t go in for a proper goodbye. I hope OK - since he has nil short term memory and is used to having ‘friends’ (carers) he doesn’t seem to notice me coming and going too much. Fingers crossed!!
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi @Sarahdun
    it's really good to hear that you are happy with the care your husband is receiving and that he is settled ... that must give you peace of mind ... I know I visibly relaxed when I realised that the staff really did care about my dad and I could could safely leave him with them looking out for him
    it is strange not to be on standby all hours ... you'll work out new routines for yourself .. enjoy your work and going out, and visiting your husband
  6. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    I fully understand @Sarahdun and @Dosey as my wife is just entering her 5th week in residential care. She too seems to have settled quickly. I try to time my visits to end when there is a distraction such as lunch being served ,which allows me to leave without any fuss being made or need to say goodbye. This seems to work. I hope that you and your respective partners continue to benefit from your changed circumstances.
  7. PJD

    PJD Registered User

    Apr 4, 2019
    I am tormented by the prospect of having to put my wife of 59 years in care but she does not wash or change her clothes until her "state" demands it and even then getting her clean is a battle that leaves me in despair. Her condition seems to be advancing by the day in that when we go to bed she doesn`t recognize the room, last night took 45 mins to convince her to get into bed. I am waiting for the Care assessment people to come, we`re urgent but it`s 3 weeks so far. Mental Health nurse Friday. Your posts are some comfort.
  8. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    It is never going to be a 'happy' time but I am completely taken aback at how much easier it has been so far than I expected. He simply does not understand he has moved (we moved a lot of his favourite things with him). The staff are super kind and I don't think that he can easily tell them apart from me or his normal carers. He is well fed and cared for and has much better medical attention than he could get living at home. He is safe - and I am much less stressed. We enjoyed a lovely walk together yesterday.
  9. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    Good to hear that he has settled, I hope this give you some peace knowing this. Look after yourself. X
  10. PJD

    PJD Registered User

    Apr 4, 2019
  11. PJD

    PJD Registered User

    Apr 4, 2019
    Good to know. Hairdresser came today but wife would have nothing to do with her seems agitated and angry at times though grateful for food and coffees and occasionally dries dishes, with hand towel. It is her resistance to physical care that concerns me might occur if I try for a few days break (apart from the guilt).
  12. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    I think guilt is unavoidable. EVERYBODY tells me I have done the right thing at the right time and yet ......

    On the other hand I wouldn’t worry about the physical care. She will be in the hands of people who have seen it all and done it all many times before. They are also on shifts. They will manage better than you or than you expect. X
  13. PJD

    PJD Registered User

    Apr 4, 2019
    Comforting I`ll see what Mental Health nurse says tomorrow, grateful for you sharing your experience
  14. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Latest update: great visit yesterday - managed fun day for him I think despite torrential rain and long traffic jam. Then felt literally sick with guilt for not going back today. So I went back, and as soon as I had collected him developed a horrible migraine. He was ‘hyper’ happy and perpetually anxious to be ‘moving on’. Result: fairly short outing and return to the home where he was warmly welcomed. Moral?
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Just reading your post gave me a good idea of the tension which caused the migraine. Try not to add guilt to the mix.

    If it doesn`t feel right to visit on any single day, listen to your body. It probably knows you better than you know yourself. :)
  16. LHS

    LHS Registered User

    Oct 5, 2018
    Its great to read a positive experience of someone going into a care home (for them). I think as a relative there is no rule book as to what is right and wrong and no one can tell you what is right or wrong. This wretched disease creates situations which do not have a right or wrong.

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