First visit to care home after 4 months lockdown.

[PamKent]

I have been able to visit my mum after 4 months of lockdown. I am in terrible shock as she has deteriorated so much and doesn’t know me whereas before lockdown she did.
I wish the care home had prepared me as all through lockdown they said she was fine.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Unfortunately the Care Home staff would be unaware that she didn’t recognise you until she actually saw you! If she has been interacting with them then as far as they were concerned she has been fine.
I’m sorry it happened like that but it might be a natural progression of her illness.

 

[PamKent]

Thank you. I feel she has moved to the next stage now and has lost any mental capacity she had.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Pam Jones
That‘s such a shock for you to face. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm sorry to hear that @Pam Jones . Do you think it might be due to wearing a mask etc, and that if she sees you again fairly soon she might have more of an idea who you are. My mother always appeared to know me but then asked me how my mum and sister (who I don't have) are.

Actually I haven't seen my mother since lock down either. The home assure me she's fine and did offer an 'over the garden gate' visit. I'm deaf and my mum has extremely poor eyesight so I declined one of those. Garden visits were due to start this week, but then they got another case of Covid 19, so they've been delayed. I must admit to feeling a bit ambivalent as to whether I want to see her till I can give her a proper hug and we can have a glass of wine (always guaranteed to cheer her up) together.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Pam Jones . I'm sorry to hear your visit was distressing. This is happening a lot at the moment. I assume you had to wear a mask and keep 2 metres away? If so, it would be hard for your mum to recognise you and possibly to hear you well.

I haven't tried to visit my mum, as I do think these visits can be distressing all round. We all need contact and closeness for our visits to work I think.

 

[Louise7]

Welcome to the forum @Pam Jones You are not alone as quite a few of us here have had bad first visits. Like your experience, care home staff said that mum was fine but to be honest I think they were saying that to most relatives to save them from worrying to much during what is a stressful situation for everyone. Mum had lost weight and didn't seem to know me at all any more, and me wearing a mask didn't help either. However the following visits over the last few weeks did get better and it seemed that mum had started to recognise me again as someone familiar but unfortunately a resident at the home has just tested positive for covid so they have gone into full lockdown again, with all visits cancelled for at least the next 2 weeks. It seems like one step forward and two steps back You may find that the more often you visit your mum there may be some recognition of you which returns, maybe not to the level it was before lockdown but things may get better.

 

[PamKent]

Thank you and so sorry there is more lockdown at your mothers care home. The way I feel at the moment the mum I have been so close to for the past 67 years is a stranger I’m devastated. Your message has helped me see there may be times when I see mum again shining through. I need to learn more about this disease. Pam

 

[PamKent]

Welcome to DTP @Pam Jones
That‘s such a shock for you to face. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

Thank you. Here’s me thinking I can handle anything that comes my way but this experience stopped me in my tracks for certain.

 

[PamKent]

I'm sorry to hear that @Pam Jones . Do you think it might be due to wearing a mask etc, and that if she sees you again fairly soon she might have more of an idea who you are. My mother always appeared to know me but then asked me how my mum and sister (who I don't have) are.

Actually I haven't seen my mother since lock down either. The home assure me she's fine and did offer an 'over the garden gate' visit. I'm deaf and my mum has extremely poor eyesight so I declined one of those. Garden visits were due to start this week, but then they got another case of Covid 19, so they've been delayed. I must admit to feeling a bit ambivalent as to whether I want to see her till I can give her a proper hug and we can have a glass of wine (always guaranteed to cheer her up) together.

Hi Sarasa
Thank you for your support.
your so right regarding the mask but mum just wasn’t mum ! She usually puts me in my place etc but nothing now. I think the managers should talk more to the next of kin and give updates as I’m sure they can tell when their residents conditions are changing it seems they have a regular answer of ‘ yes everything is fine ‘ I would rather know the truth when I ask.
Take care and I hope you can have that hug and glass of wine soon Pam

 

[PamKent]

Hi,
We had our first CH visit with Mum since beginning of lockdown. We had the same experience, Mum had deteriorated, she could only shuffle small steps held up by the carer, she looked terribly thin and frail, deep set eyes and didn't have a clue who we were. We removed our masks, she still didn't know us. She was unable to speak and after 5 minutes wanted to go back inside. She held onto the carers hands, and only interacted with the carer. We felt she didn't know us at all. We were told on weekly update calls that she was fine too. Clearly she wasn't fine.

The second visit a week later, she didn't want to come outside, she glanced at us, and just walked inside. Shes forgotten us, and we have been shoved out of her world due to covid and the whole lockdown situation. I hope you regain some nice visits again with your Mum.

Hi. That is a very sad situation and I feel for you. I am going to move my mum to a different care home that specialises in dementia care and is also a nursing home which I feel may be more suitable for mum now. I want her to have some stimulus and not be left alone in her room day in day out.
Take care Pam

 

[Emma35]

I'm so sorry that your mum didn't know you, it's something I'm dreading yet know is inevitable. It sounds as though a few people are able to visit care homes now, but we are still not allowed to visit my mum. At least we've been having Skype calls over the last couple of months which is great - although conversation is difficult these days and very repetitive it's much better than only having the landline. She doesn't seem to understand why we haven't been to visit and I think she's trying to bribe us with offers of biscuits etc. (hoarded from the snack bar) and books, it breaks my heart ?

 

[Susan11]

It's 19 weeks since I saw Mum and all the CH is saying is there might be some news re visits at the end of July. They are thinking of half an hour visits by appointment . I live 3 and a half hours drive away and have been told I won't be able to use their toilets if I go to visit.

 

[PamKent]

I'm so sorry that your mum didn't know you, it's something I'm dreading yet know is inevitable. It sounds as though a few people are able to visit care homes now, but we are still not allowed to visit my mum. At least we've been having Skype calls over the last couple of months which is great - although conversation is difficult these days and very repetitive it's much better than only having the landline. She doesn't seem to understand why we haven't been to visit and I think she's trying to bribe us with offers of biscuits etc. (hoarded from the snack bar) and books, it breaks my heart ?

Hi Emma
Thank you for your post. When I saw mum in February she was at the same stage as your mum is now. She was always asking me to bring some sweets and chocolates and questioning why was in the care home at all ! Also constant repeating herself. After this shock of seeing mum now I feel I should have been better prepared and been told by the manager to expect to see changes in mums behaviour it would have made this special first visit easier for mum and for me.
it appears from other posts I’m far from the only relative that have had this kind of experience.
I hope you see your mum soon but please ask for details from the manager on how your mum may have altered during the last 4 months.
take care and I wish you all the best. Pam

 

[Dementiadaughter55]

I have been able to visit my mum after 4 months of lockdown. I am in terrible shock as she has deteriorated so much and doesn’t know me whereas before lockdown she did.
I wish the care home had prepared me as all through lockdown they said she was fine.

I also visited my mum yesterday and was shocked at how much she had gone downhill. The staff did warn me and her GP but even so it was heartbreaking ?

 

[Cat27]

I also visited my mum yesterday and was shocked at how much she had gone downhill. The staff did warn me and her GP but even so it was heartbreaking ?

Welcome to DTP @Dementiadaughter55
Such an upsetting visit for you. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[garfield3]

So sorry to hear that it’s been upsetting for you. It’s so very difficult. I feel at times Staff have different criteria for“ fine “ and it’s such a sweeping statement. It really used to wind me up. I only saw mum twice a year and phoned every week due to not living in theUK. The nurses would get a barrage of questions. In the end info was forthcoming and they new what to expect. I’m sure I was a pain in the butt!

Hope you’re visits will become easier. Sending strength.

 

[PamKent]

So sorry to hear that it’s been upsetting for you. It’s so very difficult. I feel at times Staff have different criteria for“ fine “ and it’s such a sweeping statement. It really used to wind me up. I only saw mum twice a year and phoned every week due to not living in theUK. The nurses would get a barrage of questions. In the end info was forthcoming and they new what to expect. I’m sure I was a pain in the butt!

Hope you’re visits will become easier. Sending strength.

Thank you very much for your very much for your post.
i think I will in future as more questions as I now realise the reply of ‘she’s fine ‘ isn’t giving me the full picture.
my husband was allowed a visit yesterday and he has always been the ‘golden husband’ in my mums eyes and he was certain she would know him but he came home in almost as much shock as me. It has only been 4 months and the change is devastating. I’m still coming to terms with it really.
stay safe. Pam

 

[garfield3]

Thank you very much for your very much for your post.
i think I will in future as more questions as I now realise the reply of ‘she’s fine ‘ isn’t giving me the full picture.
my husband was allowed a visit yesterday and he has always been the ‘golden husband’ in my mums eyes and he was certain she would know him but he came home in almost as much shock as me. It has only been 4 months and the change is devastating. I’m still coming to terms with it really.
stay safe. Pam

It’s gut wrenching and heartbreaking to see them enter a new stage. It takes time to process the changes. In the end with mum I accepted it and I still loved seeing her even though in the last 2-3 years the lights were on ,but no one was home. It’s a evil disease. Hope I haven’t upset you, apologies if I have. How old is your mum?

Hope your day has been a little better, one day at a time. Stay saf,e and Sending more strength on your journey. xx

This site is a godsend.?

 

[PamKent]

It’s gut wrenching and heartbreaking to see them enter a new stage. It takes time to process the changes. In the end with mum I accepted it and I still loved seeing her even though in the last 2-3 years the lights were on ,but no one was home. It’s a evil disease. Hope I haven’t upset you, apologies if I have. How old is your mum?

Hope your day has been a little better, one day at a time. Stay saf,e and Sending more strength on your journey. xx

This site is a godsend.?

Thank you again for your post. You are right it does take time to process these changes. I am going to see mum again today but with a different approach. I am going to talk old days as Mum (she’s 92) was a Wren in Blackpool and has lots of funny stories.
a nursing home has accepted her so a big move next week from where she’s living now but I feel it won’t really make a difference to her mentally and she will probably enjoy all the fuss from the new carers.
Onwards now till the next chapter.
yes I agree this site is a godsend
Keep safe. Pam