First time post need someone to talk to

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Frank, May 18, 2006.

  1. Frank

    Frank Registered User

    May 18, 2006
    11
    I have never used a chat room before and this is my first post. My wife has Alzheimer's and is in total denial that she has a problem. A neurologist diagnosed NPH, but did say that peripheal atrophy was present as well as a possible slight stroke from some time ago. My wife had a cerebral shunt installed and that had no effect on her condition. My wife and I are constantly together and because she does not recognize the changes she is undergoing it is impossible to talk to her about the situation and impossible to talk to others either. My lack of intellectual contact with other adults is beginning to weigh heavily on me and I hope that through this post I can find others to talk with and perhaps gain some insights in regard to dealing with this.
     
  2. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Frank
    welcome to Talking Point,you will find many friends here and plenty of advice.
    This is one of the problems,the isolation and the lack of conversation,many of us will recognise this .
    You do not need to be alone, there is always someone here night and day if you wish to talk,and there are some very caring folk on this site.
    Post when you wish.
    Best Wishes
    Norman
     
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hello Frank, warm welcome to TP.

    Like yourself I had never used a chat room before, but here you are among friends.
    I use the forum to "speak to people", as you say, having a proper conversation with someone with AD is impossible.

    Please feel free to ask for help, or maybe you will be able to help someone else, in the light of your own experiences. Never be alone. Love,
     
  4. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    513
    Shropshire
    Welcome to TP Frank. You will without doubt find support here from others who may well have shared your experiences. I wish I had found it when Dad was suffering but when my Aunt deteriorated just over 2 years ago the help I found here was fantastic.

    Its a wonderful place whether you're looking for specific advice, a place to sound off or just a comforting electronic ethereal hug!

    I think it is fairly common for sufferers to deny a problem exists - whether this is because it is their way of coping or whether it is the disease itself I do not know but it certainly is one of the major frustrations for all carers. We all at times feel the need to try and convince our loved ones to see sense - something that is absolutely impossible. As others have said you cannot reason with Alzheimers so you have to try to go with the flow increasing your own frustrations in the process.

    Good Luck and watch this space - help is at hand!

    Kriss
     
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Frank,
    I can't guarantee it'll always be intellectual, sometimes it gets very wacky on here, but you're guaranteed support and friendship!
    Best wishes, Amy
     
  6. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    181
    leicestershire
    Welcome Frank

    ....and congratulations on finding Talking Point (TP)....I have found it to be a sanity saver for me, and I am sure I'm not the only one to feel that way.

    It's a funny old place really...you get to know so much about people ( & their lives) that you have never met and probably never will. People you will laugh along with and shed a tear with ( and for). People you will tell things to that you don't even tell your oldest friends & family. We have 2 main things in common....AD , and the fact that we all care about our loved ones and each other here.
    (Actually you MIGHT not do all those things, but I do and I'm just in the mood to ramble on)

    Like I say, congratulations on finding TP.

    Post soon !!! :D

    Jarnee
     
  7. Frank

    Frank Registered User

    May 18, 2006
    11
    Alone without anyone to talk to.

    Thank you all for your kiind comments. What makes all this so much more difficult is that we are at our home in France and I have no support group here. We came over from the states for a few months so she could see her sisters in Lancashire and we could pack-up most of my wife's personal things as I doubt she will be able to return after we leave here this summer. Things will improve when we get to England with the support of her family, but here in France we are so isolated. We do see friends here, but my wife's condition is the 'elephant in the room' that no one talks about.
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Frank,
    States, Lancashire, France - you get about a bit, don't you! So are you generally based in the states?
    Amy
     
  9. Frank

    Frank Registered User

    May 18, 2006
    11
    Frank

    We live in the states about half the time and we use to spend the remainder of the year here and traveling, although we spent about a year here last year. That was when I became aware that we needed to return to the states and seek some medical help. Prior to that I think I was in denial as much as my wife. Most of our lives we have lived in many places (Sweden, Germany where we lived in the same town and knew the same people but never met, Italy where we met, The Netherlands where we married and Cuba before returning to the states).
     
  10. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Frank
    I'm fairly new to the site...it's a great place to visit when you're feeling a bit low and it's so good to know there is always someone there....it's also a good site to just let off steam. I seem to be learning something new every day by reading my way around TP...:)
    take care
    Wendy
     
  11. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    I do so empathise, Frank, with the lack of intellectual stimulation. My marriage, which has by no means been made in heaven, had a strong base of repartee and gossip. My husband used to bring home nuggets of information about people which we both enjoyed. Then I was made redundant, and crawled home feeling bereft of all the day to day challenges of work, while he was slipping into dementia and gave me no support whatsoever because he just couldn't.
    Awful, awful, awful, but the most dreadful bit was no brain stimulation at all - even struggling with being shafted at work provided something to chew on, however nasty it was.
    Four years on it is still not so clever, but I made a resolution to make more local friends in my own right (when I was made redundant I sold up my London flat where I lived while working, and relocated here where older, retired, husband had been on his own during the week).
    It is still horrible not being able to talk to him in anything other than platitudes, and I have to force myself not to argue with him when he is talking absolute rubbish (at the moment it is about some threatening person who is going to buy our house, and all the houses round here, for redevelopment - complete fantasy). But I do go out on my own, for girl's lunches, or on committees, which is a poor substitute for a partner, but better than nothing.
    Your nomadic existence would not make that easy, but you really do need to have your own circle of friends, whether it is people in the same boat to moan at, or people who have no idea about your home situation who can accept you for what you are. TP probably can provide those in the first category, and if you would like to try the quiz I have this very day struggled to produce for the local book club, send me a private message and I will use you as a guinea pig!
     
  12. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi Frank,
    I guess you can see by the post that you are very welcome and not alone on this forum! I have found a commonality and friendship with everyone here that I couldn't replicate anywhere else ! And we don't even know each other by name some of the time ! Perhaps that is what makes it work. On this forum we aren't separated by miles or cultures, we are all on the same page, feeling and doing the same things. I call it the C's.......caring, coping, crying, consoling, conversation(whether intellectual or other:D ), constant laughter.........on and on !
    This is a journey we are all on and it does help to know we are not alone.
    I hope you find TP equally as beneficial !
    Take Care,
    Debbie
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Hi frank yes like every one said you have surely found the right place to understand what is happening with your wife :) since finding TP, I cope better with mum, because when she does stage things or says wired thing I do not get so upset or worried because TP pop in you my mind & I think oh that happen to someone ales.

    Gosh you have travelled around, my mother found it very confusing travelling living in England then Gibraltar & back to England .I found England to have so much more support with my mother AD, mum been back a year half now in UK, it took a good 6 mouths for mum to feel settle, & a good 2 years for me to come to teams with it all, Mum had AD for over 3 years now & is still in denial with it & I think she always will be.

    I found it hard to except that mum will never come to term with it, use to drive me round the bend , but then I learn to accept it, so I do not get frustrated with her about it any more.

    How long are you staying in France before moving on? & its to UK that your going to Settle ?
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    ps

    Taking from my own experience with my mum over the years living with her & her denial to admit anything is wrong,I feel she did really no , denial means that she does not admit it to me or herself that anything is wrong , but over the year she has realized something is wrong & when it was happening she was just fighting it ,she did not want to give in to it ,I feel like if she does admit it to me she be defeated, because one day she said to me thank-you margarita for helping me after when the medication kick in ,that all she ever said on that issue , so she must of know .
     
  15. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    #15 Lynne, May 19, 2006
    Last edited: May 19, 2006
    Hi Frank,

    Ditto to all the positive stuff above, and a suggestion which I don't think anyone's come up with yet.

    Have you made any contact with your local Alzheimer's Society group? That may be an avenue by which you can broaden your socialisation ('your' in the plural, meaning you & your wife) I'm sure you are likely to find others in your position, where the dementia sufferer is in denial, or where they just choose not to talk about dementia. For almost every sufferer, there is at least one other person 'caring' who doubtless yearns for ordinary conversation as you do, and understanding local friends are worth their weight in gold sometimes.

    Best wishes, and please keep posting.


    PS. There is at least one other carer based in France who regularly posts here (Michael E) but he is going into Hospital for a small operation this weekend, so you may not see him for a week or so. His wife, Monique, is at a similar stage to how you describe your wife.
     
  16. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Frank'

    You words "We do see friends here, but my wife's condition is the 'elephant in the room' that no one talks about." struck a chord with me.

    Until we began talking openly to our family and friends about Mum's AD, no-one knew quite how to deal with her increasing confusion etc.

    Once we learned to tell everyone what was wrong with her and how best to talk to her i.e. go along with whatever she says and not correct her all the time, but above all remember she is still the same person she always was, they relaxed and social gatherings were so much less strained.

    True friends will stay by your side, others may gradually go their own seperate ways, but you will find support from everyone here, it has been a life-line for me at dark times.

    Let's hope you find a local AD branch soon, you both need as much support as you can get.

    Kathleen
     
  17. Frank

    Frank Registered User

    May 18, 2006
    11
    Frank

    Thanks Kathleen. Our local AD group would not be of much use because we are not very fluent in French, however, next month we will be with family in the UK and then we will be back here for only a short while before going back to the states. When we get back to the states I will join a local group. I agree that discussing the situation is healthy, but that can only occur when the victim of AD is not in denial about the situation.
     
  18. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Yes Frank,
    But you need to find people that you can discuss it with, to help you work through some of the practicalities and your feelings.
    Amy
     
  19. Frank

    Frank Registered User

    May 18, 2006
    11
    I agree and discussing the situation with fellow care givers is what is best. I feel guilty about losing my patience and my frustrations and discussing those things with someone who has no idea what it is like to be a care giver is not the same.
     
  20. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    frank has Just found that all of us on TP :)
     

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