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First time at respite - mum bringing dad home after one night.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Willows40, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. Willows40

    Willows40 Registered User

    Sep 22, 2012
    2
    My dad has had Alzheimer's since 2010 and has gone downhill in the last 6 months to the point where mum (as his main carer) agreed to respite. He is not sleeping at night, up getting dressed at all hours and his hygiene has deteriorated.
    We found a nice place that Mum felt very comfortable with and we all agreed that he would go in Monday and be collected Friday.
    Yesterday was very difficult as expected and Mum was broken-hearted but I tried to reassure her that it was the right thing to do and, like day care, was a massive adjustment.
    He has been there one night - didn't settle at all and so Mum has decided she is bringing him home tomorrow. She has been on the phone to the care manager and the social worker all day. They have tried to persuade her to give it more time, even suggested she go there herself and stay with him.
    I expected it to be difficult but am at a loss to know how to help my mum and deal with this. I know I cannot begin to imagine the emotions my mum is feeling (she and Dad have been married 52 years).
    She has said she cannot cope with him at home but cannot cope with him being away. I will always support and be there for her but am worried that she will become ill herself. She has simply said - I will keep going until I drop then someone else will have to look after him.

    Please help - any advice gratefully received.
     
  2. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,955
    Sorry, no advice to give. It's all so terribly sad.

    Perhaps try to think of this respite as being the first attempt .. . and first attempts often fail. Second attempts fail less often.
     
  3. Benrese

    Benrese Registered User

    Apr 12, 2014
    186
    Lancashire
    Oh dear! So sad for your Mum, Dad and you.

    Sadly, I can see you can figure out the writing on the wall. Surely, yes-she can take him home. And of course, surely-she won't be able to handle him. I fear that if she insists on this there could be a critical incident and it will turn out that he cannot even come home on the weekends.

    She may need to be reminded that when others get involved (if ambulance, police are called)-social services will get involved and start taking away the choice she has today.

    I'm afraid she is shooting herself in the foot if she pulls him out and really ruining her chances of any existing choices.

    She is honestly giving herself a better chance to share time with your Dad if she allows him to settle.

    Bless, it must be incredibly difficult.
     

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