Hi Jinty
Jinty - hi, and thanks for posting. Sorry it's taken two days to respond, but we've been down in London tidying up Mum's house before we decide what to do next.
I can sympathise that you're being told not to visit too often: no matter how distressing the whole situation is, your instinct is to visit as your expectation is that this is the supportive, caring thing to do. There will be times when it might not be, just because of the current situation or mood of the one you're visiting (the hospital where my Mum was assessed strongly suggested that I didn't visit one weekend, as Mum as talking very aggressively about me having had a very 'bad week': while that hurts to hear, I would personally take the advice of experienced professionals in that kind of circumstance. If they feel that your visiting wou make things worse at that point in time, they will hopefully be doing so for a reason).
I've also had the problem of my Mum getting her family history in a muddle: the hospital initially thought I was her younger brother (as that's how she described me). I had to try to pass on as much of the family tree as I could (I don't know much of it - my parents were both the youngest of large families, and I've never met the majority of my relatives, many of whom were already dead by the time I was old enough to grasp things like geneaology!).
And yes, it does take time to adjust to your loved one being in a home. The change is a shock, and one that brings the familiar guilt monster in its trail. There are times my Mum is very unhappy about being there, and - while to my face - she blames the hospital doctor, I know she blames me behind my back. But she is safe and cared for there; would I rather she were at risk of burning her house down with her in it, or getting into trouble with the police (three close escapes were enough on that one), or being burgled or mugged (going to bed with the door wide open, walking down a busy high street with an open purse on top of her shopping bag, or standing in the street with a £20 in her teeth)? No, of course not. Much as she'd like the freedom of being at home on her own, it's simply too dangerous for *her*.
I'm struck by something that's been said to me by Mum's CPN, the home manageress and two of the hospital ward staff: this stage of the dementia journey is harder for us as carers to cope with than it is for those afflicted - we can consciously compare how our relatives used to be to how they are now (and will become), we have the emotional shock of this to absorb, and we have the practicalities on ensuring their care on top, all without missing a beat in the rest of our lives.
I hope that things improve for you, and that - in time - it all feels less difficult to live with. (I don't honestly know if it does get easier, or if you just learn to cope with it better, but it does - little by little). If your Mum is being well looked after (and if she's taking that active a role in proceedings in the home, that's a good sign), you've done the right thing under the circumstances and need to let yourself know and feel that. Keep posting, and let us all know ho both you and your Mum are getting on.
Dave
