1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

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First review meeting with home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Dave W, Apr 12, 2006.

  1. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Tomorrow afternoon, we have the six week review at Mum's home (me, Mum and the deputy mangeress). Home are happy with progress, consider Mum to be mostly happy and settling and showing no worrying signs. I'm getting different signals (see other thread), but have done throughout her illness so far. No social worker involved, as Mum doesn't have one here yet.

    Advice on how to handle this - especially as it will involve Mum (who's in total denial of any problem and just wants to go home, where she would plainly fail to cope) - much appreciated. I've already dealt with issues round food and going out (she's allowed out a couple of times a week 'on her own' to local shops, where she's being followed without her knowing it), and know she's being seen by GP weekly.
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Do not have any good advice just that you’re going to have to be emotional strong & that is hard I know.

    Mine long story cut short , mum in emergency restpit & can’t wait to come home , social worker says well she wants to go home so let her !!soon as my brother get housing support , so mum coming home , my teenagers all miss her at home & they want her home to ,Myself would not of minded if she stayed in care home .

    Every one situation is different , do what best for you & don’t feel guilty .wishing you all the best






    do you mean while your mum in the care home ?
     
  3. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Clarification

    Mum in home at recommendation of hospital after 5 months there being asessed by pscyhiatrists and occupational therapists. Also prone to hallucinations and currently on an anti-psychotic to suppress these.

    They're allowing her out of the home for short walks (across market place to local shop and bakers) while being followed and watched, as she was kicking up a huge fuss about being held prisoner. Takes her ages and she gets flustered and lost, but finds her way back. As long as it's making her happier, it has to help.
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Well, since you asked for advice I would say "stick with it". From everyone else's point of view (apart from Mum) it seems to be working out. You are still getting grief from your Mum, but that's not a change, or an indication that she is truly unhappy (or should I say unhappier than usual).

    The care home management & staff seem to be willing to take on board those concerns you have had to express so far, and hopefully will continue to be helpful & responsive. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

    Best wishes
     
  5. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Feeling more optimistic

    Lynne - bless your cottons. Always there to say or type the right thing. Literally just got phone to Susan at the home, who'll be conducting the meeting. We're going to speak first without Mum, and then decide whether to proceed with the meeting, depending on the type of day she's having at the time her mood is very up and down).

    Home remain reasonably pleased with how things are going, and are obviously doing their best to address concerns - although I'm obviously going to have to act as mediator as Mum won't tell them much. (And continues to write miserable letters to former neighbours). Guess I'm having a bad attack of guilt monster syndrome - this is the best alternative, but it still hurts in that she can't have what she wants, and can't accept that because she can't accept why. But even when she was were she now wants to be, she was miserable and complaining about not wanting to be there. Lose-lose scenario, isn't it?

    I do wish I was better at coping with all this - there are days when I feel a complete failure. Better than it was, but still diabolically hard. Time for another coffee.

    Cheers -
     
  6. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    <<<Hug>>>

    Make it a G&T, or a glass of wine. Slight anaesthetic :)confused: sp?) effect ...
     
  7. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    Dave, you may find that she never gets a social worker as they tend to bow out once its agreed that the placement in a home is permanent. We had our review for this home after 4 weeks but nobody from the management turned up :confused:

    I don't know whether that was due to lack of communication between the social worker and them or not. One of the care assistants ended up sitting in on the meeting and she was very nice. I didn't like to make a fuss because it would have been difficult to do so without somehow showing disprespect to the care assistant, ie implying that she was 'just' a care assistant, if you see what I mean.

    I hope it all goes as well as it can. I've got no solution to the guilt monster as he lives in our house most of the time! Never seems to visit my so called brother who has seen my mum only twice in 17 months, once at my dad's funeral in November 2004 and once when my mum was in hospital in December last year.
     
  8. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Dave

    I seem to be following in your footsteps along this path :) Dad has just finished 3 weeks in his nursing home and I've started wondering about the review. I imagine the situation will be very similar to yours - nursing home think he's settling fine; dad asks every day about going home; and I grapple with the guilt monster.

    Don't have any advice. What else do you think you could do? and what could you do that would make you feel that you weren't a failure? Like you say, this nightmare can feel like a lose-lose situation ..... maybe there simply isn't any way of winning. You clearly care about her and think about what's best for her, despite how she's treated you ...... that's not failure, that's a huge amount of courage and compassion.

    Hope the review goes OK, but maybe it would be helpful to remember that it's not ALL down to you ..... (she says ....... half to Dave and half to self .......... :eek: )

    regards

    Áine
     
  9. clare

    clare Registered User

    Oct 7, 2005
    31
    Hi Dave

    My mum went into a care home last July. Unfortunately Dad and I (I am an only child) are mums enemies. She wasn’t the easiest person to get on with before her illness and Dementia has really brought out the worse traits. So I know how it feels to be the blunt of the insults. She also wants to escape from the home and go out, which is a real quilt trip, but I keep reminding myself that she was like this when she was at home.

    As for the 6-week assessment, I was dreading it, but it was held without mum (thank goodness) so I was able to talk freely and everyone put my mind at rest. The care home said they were happy with her and were able to cope. I was sure they were going to tell me id have to find somewhere else for her. They discussed her medication and behaviour, both when we were visiting and other times. The result was that we actually decided to visit less. Which sounds awful, but its better for mum not to be distressed by a visit when she is otherwise settled, and my elderly father does not go through the emotional stress so often. Her violent behaviour and verbal abuse were really pulling him down.

    :) So I would say that I felt reassured and more settled emotionally after the review, and it wasn’t half as bad as I thought. We had care home leader, cpn and social worker present.

    Best of luck

    Clare
     
  10. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Thank you all

    Thank you Clare, Aine and Noelphobic

    as others say so often, goo to know you're not the only one. Unless we're really confident that involving Mum at any point will help, I'll stick to talking to the manageress and then visiting Mum separately with an Easter Egg and some goodies. See what I can thnk of that the home can do that will make her happier and try to realise that's all I can actually do. After that, I have to get down to her house anyway so we can sort things out and decide what to do with the property, so I need to keep my bettered head as clear as I can.

    Won't have net access over Easter, but I'll let everyone know how it all went as soon as I can.
     
  11. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Sigh of Relief

    Well, it all went very well. The deputy manageress was very considerate and made me at ease before we started, and a few tips on handling the whole situation better too (as well as congratulations on understanding the whole dementa process better than many of the relatives they have to deal with).

    As Mum was asleep this afternoon, we chose not to wake her to involve - her insight is minimal, ad this only leads to confrontation and a great deal of distress, so we agreed it was best to proceed ourselves. We went throught te whole of their care plan in great detail, and their assessment of Mum's personality and likes/dislikes was remarkably accurate. They were grateful I'd supplied a lengthy life history and profile before admission (if you're going to be in this boat, please do this even if the home don't ask - this one did - as it really does help them to get to know the resident much more effectively and much more quickly). We also identified some more activities to involve Mum in - they're going to ask her to help the handyman to plant some raised beds they're building on their large patio, as she's always loved gardening. And as she's always loved cooking and is unhappy bout not being able to, the manageress is going let Mum give her a 'cookery lesson' in the kitchen one afternoon a week when the kitchen is quiet. I've arranged for her to have her eyes tested and her teeth checked, and she's much happier with the food now.

    Went to wake Mum afterwards and gave her an Easter Egg (she's a big sweet tooth), which she's looking forward to sharing with Frida (her new friend in the home - a lovely lady of 96 years young), and she seemed very cheerful today.

    Time for a glass of red and a lie down.
     
  12. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi dave w

    seems like the visit went well, it does sound as if your mum is happier now fingers crossed

    why dont you treat yourself to two glasses of red sound like you need them:)
     
  13. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    you've earned your wine Dave ....... enjoy :)
     
  14. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    181
    leicestershire
    Hi

    Review ???!!!:confused:

    Hmmmm, I think we had ours about dad today !!!!! :rolleyes:

    I had a call from his social worker ( on the Wirral) to say she had spoken to the home dad's in for his first month's review and they are happy that he's settling ( Finally !!! :D )....and was I happy too.

    I said I was ( which I am) and she said that was it then. If I needed a social worker again, to call her, but that seems to be that !!
    Do you think that was a review?

    Hey ho !
    Jarnee
    X
     
  15. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    Hi Dave

    Glad to hear it all went so well. It sounds as though the home is really good and is really making the effort to treat your mum as an individual. Sounds daft I know but so many homes are so regimented and you feel as though the residents are just numbers. You obviously made a really good choice.

    One word of advice though - don't lie down while drinking red wine -red anything for that matter, as you could mean blood for all I know! - as it makes a terrible mess and you could choke!

    My mum has been in 2 homes now and on both occasions when we had the first review meeting we were quite nervous in case she was somehow 'evicted'! I think in most cases these fears are unfounded!
     
  16. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Cheers!

    Still not made it to the bottle yet, but perkier than yesterday anyway. Maybe a nightcap in a minute?

    Yes, the home have impressed me no end so far. They seem very dedicated to treating every resident as very much an individual and doing as much as they can to give them as much dignity, freedom and independence as they can - the staff have impressed me hugely so far. Much as the whole saga seems to have been harder than it could have been n so many occasions, I'm glad that she's somewhere whre she's being treated so well. I was able to suggest all sorts of timple things that could be done to keep her cheerful and avoid upsets today, and - from experience to date - am confident they will do their level best to achieve them. (Following her to the shops and back a couple of times a week amazed me, but they're happy to do it if it makes her feel more capable and independent. I think ey've actually quite enjoyed 'playing at spies', hiding behind magazine racks in the newsagents and so on!)

    No the weather's improving, there's more scope for trips out and for starting to work on planting up the patio and sitting outside with a book, all of whih will cheer her up. And it's great to feel that they'll listen to ideas and suggestions and do what they can too - I feel like they really do want to know as much from me to help them help her as I can tell them.

    A happy day for once. May there be many more, for Mum and for me.
     
  17. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Jarnee, well you told us that everyone concerned seems to be of the opinion that the arrangements made are working well - apart from your Dad. I'm sure you would have said more about it if he was unhappy though, so I would say "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" Good for you!

    Dave:
    Ditto to everything Noel said. You've done the very best you could, and it's working. Well done you, allow yourself a pat on the back.
     
  18. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    That's not really the way they're supposed to do it! You are supposed to be invited to a face to face meeting between all concerned parties. I don't suppose it matters too much if you are happy with the way things are but what if you hadn't been happy? This was the opportunity to air any concerns from both sides.

    Having said all that, no one from the management of my mum's home turned up for the review meeting and it ended up being left to one of the care assistants to attend. I'm not sure whose fault that was. I had assumed the social worker would have informed the home about the meeting, especially as it was being held there but .....
     
  19. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    181
    leicestershire
    PROBLEM FOR US IS THAT THE SOCIAL WORKER IS ABOUT 120 MILES AWAY FROM WHERE WE LIVE AND WHERE WE'VE BROUGHT DAD TO ( IE TO LIVE NEAR US)

    DAD IS AS HAPPY AS HE'S GOING TO BE. i KNOW HE'S SAFE, WELL CARED FOR, FED AND WARM.......I KNOW SOME OF THE STAFF PERSONALLY AND SOME OF THE RESIDENTS WHO ARE "JUST" ELDERLY ( NO AD) TELL ME HE'S "A LOVELY MAN" AND SETTLING SLOWLY.
    SO THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW. HE SEEMS HAPPY ANYWAY. NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES SENSE....ONE DAY HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO WORK COS HE THINKS HE'S ABOUT 42, ANOTHER DAY HE TELLS ME THEY'RE TRYING TO 'DO AWAY WITH HIM'

    SORRY, JUST REALISED ITS ALL IN CAPITALS...THAT WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN:rolleyes:

    J
     
  20. jinty

    jinty Registered User

    Jan 24, 2006
    2
    easter treats

    hi dave i had to organise emergrncy respite for my mum on 07/04/06 feeling so guilty about not handling the situation that day and had too involve social worker for first time he came to my rescue and was recommended not too visit just now as this may cause some distress like you i gave home a rundown on mum a very loveable vibrant person who would brighten up anyones day but the only thing i cant do is bring back her twin sister who died 6yrs ago who i happened to be named after which does not help matters when i call the home they tell me she is quite settled doing the usual asking for people who are no longer here and asking to go home the only problem being is when shes asking for her mum i know she is referring to my dad whom i also care for he is missing her so much and when asking for her brothers i also know she is referring to her 3 sons but the main person is her twin who is dead mums got front lobe vascular and alzheimers she in her present step thinks she is 19 so therefor this is where the brothers and mum comes into it as at that age she was not married and had no family but had aunty barbara .I was told when calling the home she is the darling of the staff helping do the dishes and clear up as she thinks she is at work that is until she puts on her glitzy sparkly outfit for the sing song or dance after tea time when she then becomes the belle of the [home]ball.As you may have noticed im rambling on ,and all about my situation but it is good i hope you enjoyed your visit at easter and your mum enjoyed her choc treat my mums social worker and home are meeting on wednesday to discuss mums assessment and im missing her so much your heart can go on forever crying i hope one day i will come too terms with the old saying it was best for her ta for now and thanks because ive been a member for some time but dont do postings but your post seems too have caught me ps not incensitive too others i suppose it was just timing and not very good at wording
     

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