1. Q&A: Looking after yourself as a carer - Friday 25 January, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of that person will often come before your own, and this can mean that you don't always look after yourself.

    However, it's important for both you and the person you care for. But how do you do that properly?

    Our next expert Q&A will be on looking after yourself as a carer. It will be hosted by Angelo from our Knowledge Services team, who focuses on wellbeing. He'll be answering your questions on Friday 25 January between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

First respite

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by highland girl, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    139
    Female
    Yorkshire
    Hi, I have just taken my husband for a weeks respite care for the first time. I know there are lots of you out there who have gone through this, but I feel terrible. The guilt is overwhelming, a friend is taking me out for tea but all I want to do is sit and cry. I know I need this break as I reached breakdown point a couple of weeks ago. Please tell
    me this will get easier. Xxx
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,106
    Female
    Scotland
    My husband has had three annual respites. As we walked through the door at the end of each one he had already forgotten he'd been there. He was wonderfully well looked after with lots of entertainment. Be strict with yourself about your need for rest and relaxation. Don't allow yourself to dwell on it. Get out and about. Do things you don't normally get the chance to do so you'll have good memories in the weeks to come.

    Good wishes and tell us how it went.
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,866
    Male
    Hi, @highland girl, I just wanted to say that I empathise with you and ask you to remember that you need the respite to enable you to carry on caring. Try to stay strong.
     
  4. Buskitten

    Buskitten Registered User

    Dec 10, 2018
    65
    Hope you're OK and sending love xxxx
     
  5. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,053
    Male
    Bristol
    You need the time to yourself, I had the same mixed feelings when escaping to Exmoor both times, but your husband needs you relaxed and refreshed. Make the most of it.
     
  6. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,872
    Sweetheart, I know, on here we know. I think a lot of what we call guilt is grief and grief is normal and will ease. I keep saying to myself grief is normal, grief is normal ... and it is. with love, Geraldine aka kindred.xxx
     
  7. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    592
    Female
    Hi @highland girl
    I know exactly how you felt yesterday. I drove away from leaving my husband, I was almost hysterical, and parked in Sainsbury’s sobbing so much. I felt cruel and I really thought I had made the wrong decision to leave him there.
    But he was well cared for, they fed him, dealt well with his incontinence and his many foibles!! And he WAS fine.
    Please don’t feel guilty, I did to, but we need our own space, we need to be ourselves rather than a full time carer. You will all to soon be back caring for him.
    This is your time. This is time for you to realise that you still have your own life. You spend every day being joined at the hip. For one short week this is about you.
    I didn’t want to put him into care, but I have to admit that if I could afford it then I would do it again, because I don’t feel guilty at all now. I know it was a good thing for me. Please @highland girl you need this. It’s for your sanity and well being.
    Ok, enough of a lecture!! Sending you much love, Barbara xx
     
  8. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    139
    Female
    Yorkshire
    Thank you all for your lovely replies and advice. He’s not well today been vomiting which is unusual for him. They’re getting doctor out due to the colour of it. I’m resisting the temptation to go see him at the moment as they say he is ok in himself, luckily the home is nearby and it is his gp they use there. Manager going to ring me as soon as he’s seen doctor. I’m trying to remain positive. Love to all S x
     
  9. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    529
    Male
    Kent

    I had my first respite at the end of August, having taken the decision to go to Majorca with a mate and his wife to celebrate his 50th birthday. My wife was diagnosed with FTD in Jan 2014 and I was getting to the point where I really needed the break.

    I was able to arrange for her to stay in the respite unit at the day centre she attends one day a week. It's run by the local NHS Mental Health Trust and funded by the LA. My wife is self funding but the stay was very reasonable (compared to other local private facilities).

    I knew my wife would be well looked after, as the staff there rotate into the day centre, so she had familiar faces there. Even so, whilst I enjoyed the holiday greatly, I did feel sad that my wife should have been there too - it's the first time I've holidayed without her in 47 years of marriage.

    I agree with Barbara, that this respite is very necessary and I have already booked a holiday next July with my 2 sons and grand kids.

    Kind regards
    Phil
     
  10. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    592
    Female
    Hi Shirley
    Please let me know how he is. I know you are worried but his own GP who knows him is going to ensure it is not serious. I was advised by the care home not to visit. Other family and friends, yes. But they felt it would disturb him if I went and he would want to come home, defeating the object.
    Thinking about you... love Barbara xx
     
  11. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    139
    Female
    Yorkshire
    Hi All again thank you for your responses. Well respite not gone as planned, OH started vomiting with blood in it so ended up in hospital on Thursday. He is on antibiotics ideally they would like to put the camera down to check what is going on but with his problems are trying to avoid if at all possible. He has stopped vomiting so keeping a close watch and monitoring his blood levels regularly. I have been with him most of the time just coming home to sleep. I probably need to spend less time there but I hate leaving him. Hopefully they’ll get him fixed and I can have him back home. Respite.... well I’ll have another go after Christmas sometime when he’s well! Xxx
     
  12. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    139
    Female
    Yorkshire
    Thanks Barbara hope you’re doing ok, I’ve not read your post since Thursday so hope OH moods are improving. it’s a difficult one when they are in respite whether to visit. Lots of love Shirley x
     
  13. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,866
    Male
    That's a great shame, never mind a worry.

    I hope your OH improves and that you get some rest and another crack at respite sometime soon.
     
  14. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    139
    Female
    Yorkshire
    @karaokePete , thank you OH still in hospital, spending most of my time there but at least when I am home I am “off duty” which helps especially in the night I can get some much needed sleep. I am finally going to do some Christmas shopping today before I visit, hopefully I may get into the Christmas mood a little. Best wishes to you. S x
     
  15. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    592
    Female
    Hi @highland girl
    Just thinking about you S, and wondering how things are?
    When you get the chance, please let me know how your husband is, and how you are getting on.
    Much love, Barbara xx
     
  16. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    139
    Female
    Yorkshire
    @Sad Staffs hi Barbara sorry this the first time I have been on here in weeks. Sadly my OH never came out of hospital, they sorted his bleed on stomach out but he’d been off his feet for so long he couldn’t walk, then just started to go down hill. He passed away Thursday evening, he hadn’t drank or ate anything for over a week, not sure how he was hanging on, it was heartbreaking, I’m absolutely devastated. I hope things are reasonably ok with you. Love to all. Shirley xxx
     
  17. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    324
    Female
    @highland girl ....I’m so sorry to hear about your husband..thinking of you and wishing you strength at this very sad time....do be gentle with yourself A x
     
  18. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    592
    Female
    Oh Shirley, my heart is aching for you. I don’t know how to express how much my thoughts are with you. I would love to be there to support you, and to just give you a hug.
    Please, please, keep in touch with me....
    If you would ever like to email me or text, just let me know. I’m here for you...
    With much love, Barbara xx
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    7,953
    Female
    South coast
    Oh @highland girl , I am so sorry to hear that news
    ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
     
  20. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,053
    Male
    Bristol
    Sorry for your loss and please accept my condolences, HighlandGirl.
     

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