Not sure where to start really, I've been a lurker here for some time and have taken a great deal of comfort from you all. I felt it was probably time to come out of the closet and introduce myself. I think I've probably been in denial and for no reason today things seem to have caught up.
I live in Hampshire with my husband and two children. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers last summer (05). She was living fairly close by with her 86 year old partner and between them they could manage quite well. However, things came to a head last Oct, Alf suddenly couldn't cope so I had mum for a week. The days weren't so bad but the nights were truly awful and I, for the first time, had to confront just what this disease means. It became clear that they couldn't continue to live as they had been but she wasn't really bad enough for a nursing home. We were very lucky, I have a brother who lives in Swindon, Wilts. He had heard of a new type of home that had just opened close to his home. It's run by The Methodist Homes for the Aged (am I allowed to say that?) and consists of 14 independantly owned flats which are wholly supported by the nursing home attached. The ethos of the place is to keep couples together where one of the couple has dementia, there are staff 24/7 to support the carer and it is a lovely place. We were lucky, in at the start, we had a choice of flats, another family member was able to supply the funding so we didn't have to sell to buy and within 6 weeks we had them moved in.
Mum is very happy in her new home, she thinks she's in a hotel, can't really associate that it's hers but loves the staff - and they seem to love her too, she is really very biddable (a complete change in personality she had always been quite a formidable woman) and smiley most of the time. Alf, however hates it. Always wants to take her out, complains all the time. I do understand, mostly what he is complaining about is that she has Alzheimer's and that he is having to watch her deteriorate (he nursed his first wife through terminal cancer) it's just so hard to be on the end of his constant tirade when we are trying to do the best for them both.
So what's my point of writing today? Not really to give you my life history...but somehow today I'm finding myself in tears. Now that she's no longer 5 mins up the road, now she's more my brother's responsibly than mine I find I'm trying to ignore the situation and that feels so desperate. I feel very guilty that i'm enjoying being free of the day to day grind of it all. I miss her terribly, not as she is now, but as she was before she got sick...I don't want to phone them...I keep putting it off...she doesn't really chat any more and he just moans and tells me how bad she is getting...if I don't phone I can pretend that she's getting better....and that just makes it worse when I do phone/go visit as she is obviously not better. We see her monthly - used to see her almost daily - and between visits I think about her as she used to be which makes the truth even harder to bear. I've delayed posting because I've been in denial...I don't need TP coz she's not that bad...kind of thing...but actually she is and I do.
What a truly disgusting disease this is.
Well sorry for that outburst....it's just that sometimes the truth of it bites and no one around me really understands.
Thanks
I live in Hampshire with my husband and two children. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers last summer (05). She was living fairly close by with her 86 year old partner and between them they could manage quite well. However, things came to a head last Oct, Alf suddenly couldn't cope so I had mum for a week. The days weren't so bad but the nights were truly awful and I, for the first time, had to confront just what this disease means. It became clear that they couldn't continue to live as they had been but she wasn't really bad enough for a nursing home. We were very lucky, I have a brother who lives in Swindon, Wilts. He had heard of a new type of home that had just opened close to his home. It's run by The Methodist Homes for the Aged (am I allowed to say that?) and consists of 14 independantly owned flats which are wholly supported by the nursing home attached. The ethos of the place is to keep couples together where one of the couple has dementia, there are staff 24/7 to support the carer and it is a lovely place. We were lucky, in at the start, we had a choice of flats, another family member was able to supply the funding so we didn't have to sell to buy and within 6 weeks we had them moved in.
Mum is very happy in her new home, she thinks she's in a hotel, can't really associate that it's hers but loves the staff - and they seem to love her too, she is really very biddable (a complete change in personality she had always been quite a formidable woman) and smiley most of the time. Alf, however hates it. Always wants to take her out, complains all the time. I do understand, mostly what he is complaining about is that she has Alzheimer's and that he is having to watch her deteriorate (he nursed his first wife through terminal cancer) it's just so hard to be on the end of his constant tirade when we are trying to do the best for them both.
So what's my point of writing today? Not really to give you my life history...but somehow today I'm finding myself in tears. Now that she's no longer 5 mins up the road, now she's more my brother's responsibly than mine I find I'm trying to ignore the situation and that feels so desperate. I feel very guilty that i'm enjoying being free of the day to day grind of it all. I miss her terribly, not as she is now, but as she was before she got sick...I don't want to phone them...I keep putting it off...she doesn't really chat any more and he just moans and tells me how bad she is getting...if I don't phone I can pretend that she's getting better....and that just makes it worse when I do phone/go visit as she is obviously not better. We see her monthly - used to see her almost daily - and between visits I think about her as she used to be which makes the truth even harder to bear. I've delayed posting because I've been in denial...I don't need TP coz she's not that bad...kind of thing...but actually she is and I do.
What a truly disgusting disease this is.
Well sorry for that outburst....it's just that sometimes the truth of it bites and no one around me really understands.
Thanks