First Post for a while

[honeybears]

Haven't posted for a while as one of the last times I posted, whilst letting off steam towards my own situation, I felt that those who responded were judging my response and in the end used my post to move on to a completely different subject altogether with no relevance to the reason I posted in the first place.

Talking Point seems to be for advice, but also to let off steam and not be judged - or so I hoped

Everyone has their own experiences of Dementia and I have learnt that you can't judge anyone who has to deal with Dementia yet I am always wondering how I am judged by the actions I take.

To cap it all together, I am an only child so all the responsibility falls to me - I don't have a large family network to fall back on or outer relatives to rely on - it is just me and my partner to take all the burden, all the responsibility and make all the decisions, plus hold down full time jobs and it is not just the responsibility of one parent, as both my parents now have Dementia.

I never in a million years expected to find myself in this situation, and certainly not with both parents suffering from the same illness - I foresaw my Mum & Dad enjoying their retirement in their OAP style bungalow - not my Mum in a care home, sat in a room on her own and my Dad at home, lonely and without any friends because he spent his life not wanting 'outside interference' which is fine if that is how he wanted to spend his time, but he never gave a thought as to how his actions would affect my Mum in later life and all those years my Dad pushed everyone away, now none of them want to come around because of who he was and still is.

I don't believe in self pity as I know that there are people out there in worse situations than I am and that to have my parents I am lucky but sometimes I wish people understood the full extent of what exactly Dementia does to everyone involved, not just those with the illness itself

 

[Liepy]

I was exactly and still in the very same situation. Mum in a care home, dad was the same as yours and lived 2 more years alone, refusing help or to spend time with us. He passed away a year ago. Hubby and my see Mum 3times a week but we have no children and so we are left to deal with everything. Mums bungalow has just sold so at least that makes sure she is ok. I doubt Mum will see another year out but we are all she has now. You soon learn that what you envisioned as a happy ending can soon be taken away. Make time for yourself if you can and know you are doing all you can
Linda

 

[father ted]

Oh honeybears,
I know it is so hard to be in your situation.

My situation is not exactly the same but I am an only child too so all the responsibility falls to me and most of the time I don't think I am up to it but have no other choice than to carry on. The carefree person I was has disappeared to be replaced by a joyless robot who goes through the motions every day of what needs to be done and no more.
You don't say how long your Mum has been in the home and if she is settled or not but the fact is if she is there the day to day caring for her is not falling to you but to someone else. You may find this hard but it releases you from one aspect of this disease. Your Dad sounds quite isolated and could well benefit from day care but from what you say he has never felt the need to engage much with others so to do so he may find stressful. You find it heartbreaking to see them how they are now but maybe they don't view it in that way.

Finally I feel I must defend all the TP posters. I have found such good advice and reassurance here t really has made a difference to me. When anyone posts here it is usually because they feel the need for reassurance and feel a bit low. It is then one short step to getting lots of views but no replies or someone taking the thread off piste to feel dejected, but don't. We are all in the same boat one way or another.