First post - 27 and Living and Caring for my Grandfather alone

[Stw04]

Hi there

It’s my first post on this forum. I have been caring for my grandfather for 4/5 years now. He’s in the middle stages and it’s becoming too much. I have to work (although it’s from home). And I feel like the choice is becoming him vs me. . He is getting angry more frequently, we are having occasional night terrors which I expect will become more frequent, there aren't really any normal moments for us together any more,..

I have three hours of care a week But it’s not enough. I spend a lot of time almost hiding from him now. Because I know if I leave my room I will be meet with barrage of needs. For years I have cooked cleaned handled the finances, doctors, cooked, cleaned him tried to make him laugh and take him out. Since age (23)I love him so much.

Tonight the usual problem of me trying to clean the kitchen and cook occurred. I psyched myself up before going downstairs lol.

The kitchen is too small for me to clean with him in there - so I try to redirect him to ‘tidy’another room. Dosent work. Ends up angry at me because I say I like to clean alone. I don’t. It’s just he can’t clean, and when I’m cleaning it’s like he’s ‘always in the way’ he can’t move out of the way etc if I need to get to a cupboard. It’s so small but it happens every day. I used to love to cook, but now I often avoid going in there because he likes to plod around the house. And I know it’s so small. But I feel like all my emotional strength goes on these little interactions and trying to stay calm and peaceful.

I feel really alone as it’s just me and him and no family near by who help.

I was pretty good at self care meditation and the like. But now it feels that no matter what I do I just can’t cope. Every Friday I end up crying my eyes out. At what point do you decide you can’t do it anymore? Or any tips on how to grow even stronger?

 

[MartinWL]

I had a taste of the kitchen issue a couple of years back. I think you must insist he gets out of the way. It can be dangerous having an elderly person with slow reactions getting in the way when you may be carrying hot liquids or dishes etc. Make it a firm rule, get out of the kitchen or get no dinner.

 

[Stw04]

I had a taste of the kitchen issue a couple of years back. I think you must insist he gets out of the way. It can be dangerous having an elderly person with slow reactions getting in the way when you may be carrying hot liquids or dishes etc. Make it a firm rule, get out of the kitchen or get no dinner.

Thanks so much for your response. I think I'm going a little insane that the 'kitchen issue' is such a big issue HAHA. Now if he does goes out on the odd occasion, it is my luxury to clean and cook alone! I will think on your advice, he just takes it very badly if I give him too many rules. Maybe I just need to toughen up and accept a lot of the time he won't like me very much.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @Stw04 My dad used to follow me around trying to help so I would wait until he was having a nap and eventually I realised that having a clean and tidy kitchen was not a huge priority. If it was at least reasonable and sometimes even a bit untidy then I wouldn't worry about it. You appear to be doing a marvellous job but sometimes you might not need to be so fussy.

I am one of those who feel that a young person such as yourself should not be in this position although I admire what you are doing but please when you get a chance 'take a break' or do something for yourself. It is not worth your sanity and ending up in tears is not good for you. My break used t be cup of coffee in Asda when doing dads shopping and you need to make some time for yourself.

A clean and tidy kitchen is not as important as your sanity.

 

[Violet Jane]

Like Duggies-girl, I feel that you should not be in this position at such a young age. Are you able to work as much as you want and have some sort of a social life?

I think that you need to ask for much more help, both from your family (why are they leaving everything to you?) and from SS. If you grandfather has to pay for extra help so be it. Does your grandfather get any benefits eg Attendance Allowance, Council Tax discount? They are not much but every little helps. As well as paid care there are day centres and sitting services which would give you a break. Sitting services are provided by some charities eg Age UK but can also be 'bought' from care agencies.

Please don't struggle on on your on. You need more help and support. There is also respite care which would give you a complete break.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Stw04

Wow! Caring for your grandad since the age of 23 is going above and beyond! You should be very proud of yourself but I think it’s time to start looking at your own needs. If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to look after your grandad.

Is there anyone else who could help share the load? As @Violet Jane says you need to get help from all possible sources, wether or not your grandad likes it! You may have to be sneaky to get help in if he objects - I told my dad the help was for me, so I could have time to get my work done..

As well as a care assessment for your grandad you are entitled to a carers assessment for yourself. It’s well worth getting one, mine gave me a weeks paid respite care for dad and £150 to spend on myself. I know other areas have been even more generous.

If you’re having to psyche yourself up to deal with your grandad (and I recognise that feeling) you need a break. I found that getting extra care in for dad took the pressure off me so I could keep him at home for a little longer so please call SS and ask for an assessment before you completely break down.

 

[Stw04]

Hi @Stw04 My dad used to follow me around trying to help so I would wait until he was having a nap and eventually I realised that having a clean and tidy kitchen was not a huge priority. If it was at least reasonable and sometimes even a bit untidy then I wouldn't worry about it. You appear to be doing a marvellous job but sometimes you might not need to be so fussy.

I am one of those who feel that a young person such as yourself should not be in this position although I admire what you are doing but please when you get a chance 'take a break' or do something for yourself. It is not worth your sanity and ending up in tears is not good for you. My break used t be cup of coffee in Asda when doing dads shopping and you need to make some time for yourself.

A clean and tidy kitchen is not as important as your sanity.

Thank you so much ... I feel really alone a lot of the time, so thank you for taking the time to reply. Quite frankly none else was going to take care of him. I will relax on the perfectionism!

 

[Knitandpurl]

Hi @Stw04 My dad used to follow me around trying to help so I would wait until he was having a nap and eventually I realised that having a clean and tidy kitchen was not a huge priority. If it was at least reasonable and sometimes even a bit untidy then I wouldn't worry about it. You appear to be doing a marvellous job but sometimes you might not need to be so fussy.

I am one of those who feel that a young person such as yourself should not be in this position although I admire what you are doing but please when you get a chance 'take a break' or do something for yourself. It is not worth your sanity and ending up in tears is not good for you. My break used t be cup of coffee in Asda when doing dads shopping and you need to make some time for yourself.

A clean and tidy kitchen is not as important as your sanity.

I totally agree re clean and tidy kitchen, or any place else - took me till I was a lot older than you to realise - but it’s just not important. My OH also always wants to ‘help’ , drives me nuts, if I can I try to ask him to help by doing things that take him out the way, though must admit it often backfires, as most things involve me then having to stop to help him!!!!!