First inside visit

[Lynmax]

My sister had her first inside visit with Mum this afternoon! She had her Covid test on arrival, sat in her car to wait for the result and was then taken to a separate area to wash her hands - while supervised. This then meant that she was not asked to wear gloves while holding mums hands which was wonderful. She did wear a mask but Mum is used to all the carers wearing them so wasn’t bothered. She sat right next to Mum on a two seater settee and they opened Mother’s Day gifts from all us three siblings and looked at some photos.

It was obvious that Mum enjoyed the hand holding and the close contact with my sister rather than see her through a screen. A Carer was sat near by during the visit but could not hear the conversation, that was to prevent hugging and also support Mum if she got upset. Apparently the 20 minutes went really fast!

The home are offering five short visits a day at the moment so my sister was able to book another one this Thursday. If all the slots do not get taken up by relatives, then they will cut down the daily number and make each visit longer.

I feel that the care home have done their best to work with the government guidelines and was so pleased that they allowed skin to skin contact. Now I need to be patient and hope that in time a second visitor will be allowed. For now, I’m not doing a pod visit as Mum really cannot cope with them and got upset and angry so if my sister can get a slot every five days or so, I’ll be happy.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So very pleased to hear that your sister and Mum had a good visit. Lovely that the Carer was respecting privacy and hopefully you too will get a similar visit before too long. Good to hear some happy news

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Great to hear your sister's visit to your mum was successful - you must be both pleased and relieved, especially as the pod visits weren't working.

Forgive me, but your mention of the carer being nearby to 'prevent hugging' amused me! It conjures up an image of a burly bouncer-type carer coming over and saying, 'OK you two - break it up! We'll have none of that huggy stuff on my watch!'

 

[anxious annie]

Pleased to hear that your mum and sister had such a good visit @Lynmax . Seems much more sensible for family to wash hands rather than have to wear gloves. Hopefully we will all be able to hug shortly.

 

[Lynmax]

Here’s a photo of mums hands clutching my sister for most of the visit - when not excitedly opening presents!

 

[Shedrech]

that's really touching @Lynmax in so many wonderful ways

 

[Sarasa]

SO glad your sister managed to visit and that the home managed to organise it in such a way that your sister didn't have to wear gloves. Hope you'll be able to visit inside too very soon.

 

[jennifer1967]

thats just shows the love and eagerness that families want to be reunited. thats a photo to treasure

 

[Izzy]

What a beautiful photo and certainly one to treasure.

 

[Old Flopsy]

I have just booked my first visit to OH since he went into the care home last Wednesday- it is on Friday, I am so nervous- hoping I can hold it together and not get upset which in turn would upset OH. He just wants to come home so it is going to be so hard.

 

[jennifer1967]

I have just booked my first visit to OH since he went into the care home last Wednesday- it is on Friday, I am so nervous- hoping I can hold it together and not get upset which in turn would upset OH. He just wants to come home so it is going to be so hard.

good luck for that. can you bring him something that can distract him so it would be easier on you both

 

[Sarasa]

Glad you've got a visit booked @Old Flopsy . I'd rehearse all the reasons he can't come home just yet before you go. Also when it's time to go just say you're nipping to the loo rather than leaving. That way there won't be any upset about wanting to come with you. I know it's horrible not to tell your loved one the truth, but I've become very adept at fudging things with my mum over the last couple of years.
I know my mum still wants to come home, though in her case it's to her parent's bungalow in the 1930s. When she first went into care she did have a reasonable idea of where she'd last lived, she had just forgotten how unhappy she'd been in the last few week ther

 

[Old Flopsy]

Well the first visit has taken place. First I had a covid test outside then had to wait in the car for half an hour, then the carer came and told me I could go in to the visitors room.

OH was sitting glaring at me as I entered- the carer said 'Aren't you speaking to your wife?'- he snapped 'NO'. What a welcome! Anyway I sat with him and did almost all the talking, showed him photos on my ipad, etc.

I asked him what he thought of the place - he said 'not much'.

I had taken in a clean jumper so that I could take away the one he was wearing to wash and sew name tape on, but he flatly refused to take it off.

He was so grumpy and just kept sighing saying he was fed up and just wanted to get home to his dog and cat (both deceased).

After 30mins the carer came to take him for lunch, fish & chips, but he said he didn't want anything! As he was led away I noticed his trousers needed changing- the carer said he is refusing to change them, but they had at least managed one shower!

I had taken sticky labels and wearing the surgical gloves I asked the carer to stick labels on his glasses and magnifying glass- he did at least say 'thankyou' to her.

Quite a disheartening experience as he was obviously so cross with me..

 

[Old Flopsy]

@Sarasa I would appreciate your comments as I am devoid of hope following my visit.

 

[Sarasa]

@Old Flopsy , sorry your husband was being a grump, but I've had visits like that with my mum 'Take her away, she isn't my daughter and she's horrible', being one greeting. The next time she was all smiles and delighted to see me, so don't despair that every visit will be the same.
It'll take the home a while to get to know your husband and what works in ways of getting him to change his clothes, have a shower etc. It's early days and I'm sure things will improve, though there will always be ups and downs.
Things are so much more difficult due to covid. In normal times you'd be able to see his room, check things were OK and see how he was getting on with other residents. Other residents and staff start to become an extended family. I enjoyed chatting to them and taking part in activities. Hopefully things will open up and you'll be able to do that soon.
What I wouldn't do is be tempted to take him home. The fact that he wants to get back to his dog and cat means he'd either be off trying to find them when he got home, or he'd be blaming you for them not being there. My mum keeps on wanting to go and check on her parents. Mum is ninety three and her dad (who fought in the Boer War) was in his fifties and her mum in her thirties when my mum was born. I'd just make excuses about, yes he can go and see them, but you haven't got the car today or the weather is awful.
Thinking of you, and I'm sure others will be along with suggestions that might make the next visit better, taking in cake if you are allowed, favourite music, doing what we did on our last visit and dance to mum's favourite musical theatre track? The last kept the staff entertained behind the pod screen as well as mum.

 

[Old Flopsy]

Oh @Sarasa thankyou so much for those reassuring words.

I made a short video of OH whilst I was there to show our son- I keep watching it! He was glaring at me- it is so hard.

I must ring the home today- his top teeth were missing (he had refused to let the staff look in his mouth, but I did) and that may also be contributing to his refusal to eat. If only I could have gone to his room I could have searched for them- I know they were in his holdall I took in!

I think three weeks absence had made me forget just how bad the dementia affects him. I just hope he will settle.

 

[Sarasa]

My mum lost her teeth too. Her favourite carer (and mine) phoned me up to say she'd had them at breakfast, but then later on in the morning they'd vanished. He was so upset about it. They were AWOL for three months and it made mum look so much older, though she seemed to be eating OK. Then suddenly they re-appeared and haven't been lost since. If I could have gone and searched for them I'm sure I'd have found them sooner, but I was so glad they'd turned up. Hope your husbands do too, but worth mentioning to the home so they can search.
Stay strong, I'm sure your husband is in the right place.

 

[northumbrian_k]

I hope that it gets easier over time @Old Flopsy There were times in the first few weeks that I thought that my wife would never settle. One day she would be fine then she would tell me (and my sister) that she didn't like us. That day we left quickly ... It took a little time but gradually she began to accept that she now lives in her care home and that she rather likes it there. Having the time to develop relationships with staff and other residents has helped her to come to this acceptance. I am due to have my 3rd in-room visit today. I expect to find her relatively content although still wondering when she can visit her Mam and Dad.

Perseverance and time will help you both to accept the new reality of your life as a couple. I wish you well.

 

[DennyD]

I made a short video of OH whilst I was there

What a good idea! I shall try do that - if I'm allowed.

 

[Bikerbeth]

@Old Flopsy I know it is not much consolation but my Mum generally spends the first 15 mins of the weekly visit I am allowed being grumpy and cross with me for not visiting more regularly ( after 18 months she does accept that she lives there albeit ‘temporary’ in her mind as she is aware she is not well)
If I do get more than the 30 mins then she does start picking up and being more engaged and responsive.
when she first went into the home pre COVID she was fine for a few weeks and then suddenly she turned on me, and probably for a month, I could not visit as she would be so angry and the hatred glared out of her eyes.
however we tried again and it all went really well until lockdown.
Sorry, I am not meaning to sound depressing on the contrary I just wanted to say although it is so hard emotionally on you please keep preserving and it should get better. Wishing you well on your next visit.