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First day of care… and mum locked carer out the house

nick97

Registered User
Feb 16, 2020
15
So yesterday marked the first day that my mum would have a carer, specifically for an hour at night while I’m at work just to check on her and see her off to bed, as mum is definitely starting to move into stage 5, if we’re using using the 7 stage theory.

Anyway, I had kinda been wondering as to how mum would react. Knowing mum as well as I do, my instinct was that it would be bad, and so it proved, with mum getting very agitated and allegedly frogmarching carer out the front door and locking her out.

To describe my mum would take all year as she’s so unique, but suffice to say, even after one day, I already think a carer just won't work. Caring agency want to have another carer turn up while I’m at home so that mum can get used to it. But she’s ever going to understand.

Mum has no cognitive ability to absorb new information. Beyond spouting random numbers and saying “it’s all the thing”, mum is unable to speak or understand anything.

Yet she is ferocious about her way of doing things; she has her set routine of things that she is still able to do i.e. cook toast, make tea, clean, have a bath, etc, etc and she will not be forced to deviate from it. She is very physically able and can be like a bull when we go shopping!

But I worry as she has started to smoke constantly - a near-miss fire incident last year is what triggered me getting the gp and council involved. Ash is everywhere, and just yesterday mum burned a hole in her jeans, as she was carrying washing with a cigarette in hand.

I don’t want mum to be stressed out that someone else is in the house - and neither do I want carer's putting up with my mum's hostility - but at the same time I feel like she’s getting to a point where supervision will be necessary. It feels like I’m going to need to quit work altogether unless mum magically becomes more docile, which imo is very unlikely.

It’s such a nightmare right now.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,816
North West
Hmm my mum was doing the same thing -not letting the carers in. Looking back it was quite comical as she would lock the door leave the key in and then hide. The carers became a wellbeing visit rather than 'caring'. I was already living with mum and working full-time. I don't know if moving in would be of help, but I guess its worth a try if you are absolutely sure. Just be certain that its what you want to do, because its not easy being there 24/7 and my job was my time out. The home situation didn't continue for very long and eventually it was sadly time for a CH.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,614
South coast
If you do get to the stage of thinking about giving up your job to look after her, do think very carefully as it can be relentless and SS will offer less help because you are there. I would also suggest that you do a "trial run" to see how it would work. I did that with mum and discovered that she was up all night, constantly waking me because she "could hear noises and ddint know what was happening" o_Oo_Oo_O

I had not been aware that she was up all night and it came as a bit of a shock. I knew that I could never make it work. Sadly she started going downhill quite rapidly soon after and doing things like wandering outside in her nightclothes in the wee small hours, which would have been difficult to prevent, even if I was there. She also developed a delusion that I was stealing from her and abusing her, so half the time she wouldnt let me into her house - and would have almost certainly frog-marched me out if I were already in there. Eventually she ended up in hospital with a TIA and moved to a care home from hospital. It was only 6 months from me wondering whether I could look after her myself and her moving into a care home.
 

nick97

Registered User
Feb 16, 2020
15
Nice to see my mum isn't the only one not letting carer's in ha.

I do actually live with mum, and I know leaving work will be a big decision, though I'm only part-time. Mum can still generally be trusted if i'm not there, but the direction of travel is pretty clear and that's why carer's were going to pop in. But if mum suddenly falls off another cliff and continues to get agitated at help from carer's, there doesn't seem like another option.

Eesh, it doesn't get any easier does it 😊