First Christmas without OH

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Jean1234, Dec 23, 2018.

  1. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    254
    this will be my first Christmas without my OH at home as he went into residential care in July. I thought I was beginning to handle things reasonably well but the last couple of days I have gone back to crying at odd times during the day and can only assume that it’s because he’s not here for Christmas. I remember that when things were getting really bad thinking if I could only keep him home with me for one more Christmas but in the end couldn’t do so. My son is arriving today to spend Christmas with me but I can’t find any effort to get into the spirit of it all. I must get a tree up and a few decorations for my sons sake. If he wasn’t coming I wouldn’t bother at all. I know most of you are struggling with the holiday like I used to when my OH was with me and I wish you all the strength to enjoy the the time with your love ones. One of my favourite memories was my OH reading his cracker joke over and over and laughing as if he had read it for the first time. Happy Christmas to you all and a healthy New Year.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,921
    N Ireland
    Seasons greetings to you and yours as well.

    Your emotions are very understandable so don't berate yourself.

    I hope the visit of your son goes well and that you both enjoy it. Just take it as it comes, your son will understand.
     
  3. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,408
    Dear Jean, I send you love and peace, I hope things go as well as possible for you. x
     
  4. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,206
    Merseyside
    Just get through best you can Jean. There’s no right or wrong. Thinking of you.
     
  5. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,020
    Nottinghamshire
    I've not put any decorations up either @Jean1234. My daughter's put the tree up this morning or it wouldn't be up at all. I've got to register dads death tomorrow morning. Just can't get any Christmas Spirit this year. Move over Mr Scrooge!

    There'll be more Christmasses. I think the first one is always difficult. Just do what feels right. I hope you manage to find some peace and joy.
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,567
    Kent
    I don`t think so @Bunpoots. There is nothing worse than having to force jollity just because it`s a particular time of the year.

    In the `old` days grief and mourning were allowed to take their time. I feel it`s the only way.

    Allow yourself a quiet Christmas. The loss of your dad is too recent for anything else.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,567
    Kent
    Is it really necessary Jean? You are allowed to be sad for your husband`s first Christmas away from home. The tree and decorations are trappings of something you are not feeling this year.
     
  8. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,921
    N Ireland
    That put me in mind of a day during the early part of my career when I was working as an accident investigator. About this time of the year I attended the scene of an accident at an open day at a monastery. I was sitting in the library talking with the abbot and happened to look around the room and asked if Christmas was celebrated at the monastery. I was told that they enjoyed the spiritual side of the time but never indulged in the trappings of the ‘festive season’.

    The trappings aren’t necessary. My wife and I have spent the last 4 Christmas days in Cyprus and we have never bothered with trees or decorations. We still enjoy the season.
     
  9. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,477
    This is also my first Christmas without my OH, he is in hospital waiting to be transferred to a care home as he is waiting for his medication to be sorted. He has been in hospital for 3 weeks, the social worker thinks that he might be better staying in the care home because he needs 24 hour care and she says it is too much for 1 person. I hope you have a nice Christmas, we will visit OH but it's not the same. Take care. Best wishes. Lx
     
  10. tmsjg

    tmsjg New member

    Dec 22, 2018
    2
     
  11. Ernest

    Ernest Registered User

    Jan 23, 2018
    80
    I too am trying to come to terms with my OH being in a CH since June and having my first Christmas lunch in at least 35yrs, cooked for me. One of the most horrible things about FTD is the lack of ability to be able to reason. Every visit includes my OH telling me that he doesn't want to stay there any longer, that he's perfectly ok and should be at home. Of course it's all my fault !! How do you explain to someone with FTD that you are just doing what is best, that you don't want him to end up back in A&E which is what would happen sooner or later. I can't tell him how much I miss him or tell him about things going on at home as it just brings it back to him that he's not at home !! I've tried to make his room look as "Christmassey" as I can. We've always opened Christmas cards together so I've taken them over to him and we've opened them there and I've left them around the room. I'm constantly trying to assuage my feeling of guilt for moving him to the CH even though I really know it's the best option. If only he could see that but I know he probably never will. I'm working all day tomorrow, Christmas Eve and then back again on Thursday so I haven't got a lot of time on my own, which I'm grateful for. I hope that we all have as nice a Christmas as is possible and I wish everybody a peaceful New Year.
     
  12. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
    In the same boat. OH in care since June.
    As for our children, I’m mindful that they shouldn’t lose both parents to this disease.
     

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