Fiona Phillips - Dementia: Why putting my parents in a home will haunt me forever

Discussion in 'Dementia-related news and campaigns' started by CraigC, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    I really applaud Fiona Phillips for writing this piece. Like her I've had a lot of time to reflect and even though I know the choices were limited it haunts me to. This kind of dicussion opens debate on the lack of support that is provided for home care and care in community. I think she is very brave to open her heart out. It also helps people like me who have similar thoughts about past decisions. However much I may feel I did the best I can stop it niggling me.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29644976
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,101
    Kent
    I do wish these kind of articles did not have such global accusations.

    It`s so easy to be wise and have regrets with hindsight but when the event took place things will have been so different otherwise I`m sure decisions for residential care would not have been made.

    These articles do no favours to those considering residential care for reasons beyond their control.
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,406
    Female
    England
    I agree 100% Sylvia.

    Jay
     
  4. rajahh

    rajahh Registered User

    Aug 29, 2008
    2,796
    Hertfordshire
    I refuse to be haunted by guilt. I know I did as much as I could, and even beyond .


    I did not want this to happen but the alternative was that we would both need care.

    I did not feel I had turned my back on Gordon,

    Jeannette
     
  5. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    "How many times we discard older people with attitudes that are akin to a hidden form of euthanasia," Pope Francis said.

    Bit rich coming from the head of an institution that has 'discarded' children of unmarried Mothers for decades-that was a 'hidden form' of physical,mental and emotional abuse.

    I wonder if the gentleman who spouted this 'wisdom' has ever endured looked after a dementia sufferer 24/7?

    I'm getting fed up of reading these quotes from politicians/religious leaders etc who have absolutely no idea of what caring is about.:mad:

    As far as Fiona Philips is concerned I feel very sorry for her loss-but I do wish these articles would sometimes show good care homes -not just the bad ones

    Take care

    Lyn T
     
  6. Oxy

    Oxy Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    957
    Disgusting from the head of an institution that did nothing about years and years of sexual abuse as well as treatment of illegitimate children. An institution that excommunicates if you get divorced. He should be sent the 'people don't tell you post' so he gets a better understanding.
    I'm sure no one goes into that decision lightly. In fact one comment by anyone can sway your decision in a way that is in fact detrimental for your own life and future.
    I just wish programmes about CHs would be balanced and actually give pointers to look out for. Portray the good and the bad. Care at home is so unreliable. There needs to be proper inspections from undercover visitors, not as now. You can't see all in a à few hours. No one in their right mind would do anything that is not exemplary in front of overt inspectors. Through respite I have discovered that any comment by a resident needs to be taken seriously as in fact F Phillips found.
    All I can say is that I feel so sorry for the torment that some carers must go through having read this article or listened to the head of this religious institution. You don't need religion to have feelings!
     
  7. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    In no way was I condoning the pope BTW or throwing guilt at anyone else other than myself BTW. I just felt it was good for someone to be open about their feelings on the subject. We all make difficult choices under totally different circumstances, but it helps me to know otherd have these feelings to. That's all. Perhaps I should have posted this under dealing with loss, sorry.
     
  8. Rene Mill

    Rene Mill Registered User

    Oct 17, 2014
    1
    Chatham, kent
    Helplessness

    As a family we care for my mum at home, it's beginning to get extremely hard but don't want to think about having to put her in a home. We are struggling with the rippling effect this awful condition is having on her as well as us. Finding the strength to stay strong is proving difficult, it's hard to watch and experience. Is there any answers? Just the feeling of total helplessness springs to mind, how does one cope?
     
  9. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    It's wrong I suppose to second-guess anyone else's decision, but.....

    Fiona says she hated her father for saying he couldn't cope but at the same time acknowledges that her mother needed 24/7 care. There's no indication of any other form of support being considered, which might have offered different solutions. And many other carers here on TP have given up their careers to care for a parent or spouse with a lot less financial resources than Fiona would have.

    I'm trying not to be judgmental (and failing) but I don't feel that celebrities are very representative of the lives of most families facing these challenges, simply because they have the £££ to buy in the help they need.
     
  10. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    Ditto x 100.

    A pox on all the pious pontificators who don't have a bl***dy clue.
     
  11. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon

    No Craig! Speaking for myself I didn't one minute think that you were condoning the Pope or throwing guilt at anyone.

    To tell you the truth I didn't mention my feelings of guilt because they are so strong. Sorry my post was a little bit off topic from your original thread topic. Apologies

    Take care

    Lyn T X
     
  12. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    No problem Lynn, peace and love :)
    To be honest if I was still a mod I'd move this to the dealing with loss section. My own stupid fault for putting it in news. Anyway, I'm cool with debate and a plethora of opinions. I've been dealing with three bereavements, all different issues for a few years and the demon of guilt sits on your shoulder way to often, gets in the way of good memories and getting on with your own life. Its just good to see other opening up about it. Next time Ill read it, keep it to myself and keep moving forward best I can. I just felt the urge to pop in. Keep Smiling Craig x
     
  13. halojones

    halojones Registered User

    May 7, 2014
    438
    #13 halojones, Oct 17, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2014
    Different for all

    It is just so different for all us ,with this illness.Our circumstances, the illness, its all so complex...We all have our own views on our situations,....Our P M David Cameron has spoken about his experiences of dementia with the late Margaret Thatcher ...She had top private medical care, personal carers, drivers, companions ,cleaners, room service etc etc,, oh, yeah, ! she also lived and passed away in the RITZ HOTEL!!l...No devastating decisions about CH,! No struggling on benefits, no arguing for a docs appointment, no SW who doesn't have a clue, no giving up her freedom pass for a couple of cab rides a year, no worrying about the extortanite bills.,etc,etc!!. That is our PMs experience of dementia...Wouldn't it be nice to be living at the Ritz, all nicely looked after !.!:D That is the problem with the celebs, they have the emotional upset, but they don't have the awful struggles at the grass roots that we do.....
     
  14. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon

    My Bolding

    Another 'no' Craig:):)

    By keeping things to yourself how can you even start to move forward. Anyway TP is all about expressing our feelings-where else would you get true understanding? So if you read something of interest please don't keep it to yourself:);)

    Peace and love to yourself

    Lyn T
     
  15. Oxy

    Oxy Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    957
    Craig, please please do not feel that anyone was averse to anything you wrote. Quite the contrary.
    It is so important not to bottle up feelings. I do far too often and it makes everything so difficult.
    My response was not at your views at all, in case you thought that. I had had no idea about this article on bbc and on reading it, just put my thoughts down about it. I think, as a result of isolation with caring one makes things public one would never ordinarily as one would have people to discuss this with nearby.
     
  16. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    1,189
    UK.
    Hello halojones,
    I understand the bitterness you express, but feel uncomfortable downplaying anybody’s suffering.
    For all the private this and personal that, dementia cannot be denied. Up close and personal it will always be a nightmare.
    I would imagine that passing away is as painful in the Ritz as it is in a terrace house. At the end, power and privilege count for nothing.
    As Thomas Gray put it:-
    "The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow'r,
    And all that beauty, all that wealth e'er gave,
    Awaits alike th' inevitable hour.
    The paths of glory lead but to the grave.”
    and,
    “Can storied urn or animated bust
    Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath?
    Can Honour's voice provoke the silent dust,
    Or Flatt'ry soothe the dull cold ear of Death?”
     
  17. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello Gringo l love to read your posts you have such a way with words, ♥♡♥

    Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app
     
  18. jimbo 111

    jimbo 111 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2009
    5,078
    North Bucks
    All things and emotions are relative
    Rich or Poor- Sinner or Saint
     
  19. halojones

    halojones Registered User

    May 7, 2014
    438
    I don't mean to come across as bitter, and of course the pain and suffering of this illness is the same for everyone ,no matter where we are, or who we are..But, my point is, how can our leaders,the powers that be, understand how difficult our lives are made by the system, when they do not know what we experience day to day,? with the cuts,trying to access medical help, the services..etc..I have had mine and my mums life made extremely difficult, as have a lot of other people., by this constant battling with the services...... The news ,the forums , they are just full of these really difficult and desperately sad stories that are our reality...!The reality is, you can make your lives a lot more comfortable, if you are lucky enough to be able to afford this , but as it is so expensive, this extra help is out of a lot of peoples reach, even though folk have worked really hard, and saved...I just want better services for us all ,like the HUB in Mitcham..South London..! Anyway ,must stay off subjects such as religion and politics !
     
  20. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    1,189
    UK.
    I apologise to the OP. for sidetracking his thread.
    Addressing the main point, which I take to be the guilt we all feel for having condemned a relative to life in a CH.
    My wife has been in a CH. for over two years and on another thread (What a bloody world) I told how up until just recently I had clung to the belief that when the ‘right time’ came I would be able to bring my wife home. But I have now had to face up to the fact that, for a variety of reasons, that won’t happen. No matter how much I tell myself that I have done all I could. In the cold light of dawn, doubts creep in. The full realisation that, you have taken the decision, that means, one’s wife/father/mother is never coming home is a terrible thing.
     

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