Finding visiting so hard

[Dutchman]

I wanted to write on this thread as I usually find visiting upsetting ( not always but mostly). I get anxious on the way there, repeat the same stuff when I’m there and feel drained when I leave. And leaving is the worse. She looks at me as I say “ got to go now” and, although there probable isn’t, it always seems there’s a pleading in her eyes asking me not to go. Guilt guilt guilt.

My wife doesn’t know me as her husband and I ask myself what do I get out of it? She’s cozily looked after by staff, wants for
nothing ( apart for a non dementia brain!!)! and I’m left without affection and companionship.

But I still go because of some loving duty I suppose and in the hope that any connection I have with my wife of old can be kept somehow. So today I ask myself “shall I go. Can I leave it today. Will she know and will she care?” And if I don’t go there’s that lingering guilty feeling that I’ve let her down.

Yes, visiting is complicated and emotional

 

[Valpiana]

My husband still knows who I am and always says he misses me when I'm not there. It is very difficult not to get consumed with guilt. However I am fairly sure that he forgets within a few minutes as he also says on my arrival that he hasn't seen me for ages. That can be after a couple of hours or recently when I returned after a five day holiday. However I know I couldn't look after him at home any more.

 

[Dutchman]

My husband still knows who I am and always says he misses me when I'm not there. It is very difficult not to get consumed with guilt. However I am fairly sure that he forgets within a few minutes as he also says on my arrival that he hasn't seen me for ages. That can be after a couple of hours or recently when I returned after a five day holiday. However I know I couldn't look after him at home any more.

Hi @Valpiana
That’s the odd comfort I get knowing that I couldn’t look after her at home any more. It takes a team of carers to look after her and they get to go home after their shift is finished.

Imagine trying to do all that on your own when you’re tired, isolated, when your home smells and you haven’t the time to keep it reasonably tidy. When I tried to keep her from wandering off and waiting in for the doctor when she kept getting UTI’s. When you’re so frustrated that you shout and swear and cry for some respite. No, let someone else do it

 

[Valpiana]

I did so much swearing,shouting and crying! I knew it wasn't fair on my husband or on me. Can't say that the crying has stopped though....

 

[Dutchman]

It’s nearly 6 in the morning and for some reason I feel such sadness that Bridget was taken from me with dementia. It’s not fair. That’s what I feel.

And it’s affects everything. None of the people I know can appreciate what I’m going through, I mean, how could they? You need to live this experience to really know the extent of its impact.

So whatever I feel, whatever decisions I make for myself, even if they seem wrong to others, then to me they’re allowed. Sometimes I look forward to being quiet and sad, sitting there thinking of our past life and indulging in the memories of better times.
But it all comes down to “ why me, why us”. Some I know try to explain it away but I still feel hard done by, as if my future wasn’t mapped out for this, that we should have lived a normal life like so many other couples I know.
All unrealistic thinking I know but what the hell!!

 

[kindred]

It’s nearly 6 in the morning and for some reason I feel such sadness that Bridget was taken from me with dementia. It’s not fair. That’s what I feel.

And it’s affects everything. None of the people I know can appreciate what I’m going through, I mean, how could they? You need to live this experience to really know the extent of its impact.

So whatever I feel, whatever decisions I make for myself, even if they seem wrong to others, then to me they’re allowed. Sometimes I look forward to being quiet and sad, sitting there thinking of our past life and indulging in the memories of better times.
But it all comes down to “ why me, why us”. Some I know try to explain it away but I still feel hard done by, as if my future wasn’t mapped out for this, that we should have lived a normal life like so many other couples I know.
All unrealistic thinking I know but what the hell!!

Dutchman, I know, why us? I would have given everything for a normal life still.
I tell myself Keith was a magical human being who burned out too quickly. I cannot make sense of it any other way.
Always follow your posts, thank you.

 

[Dutchman]

Dutchman, I know, why us? I would have given everything for a normal life still.
I tell myself Keith was a magical human being who burned out too quickly. I cannot make sense of it any other way.
Always follow your posts, thank you.

Thanks @kindred
You’ve been there for me for a long time.

❤️?