Hi everyone,
It has been a while now since I last posted. We lost mum at the end of last year, and I have to admit that at first I was relieved because she had suffered so much over the final few months. Now some time has passed, and the thing I am finding hardest to deal with is the guilt. Mum was always a cantankerous character and even before dementia there would inevitably be flash points whenever I visited when we would end up bickering, and occasionally rowing. I would always try to rise above it, be the adult, but found myself failing.
Don't get me wrong, I think we understood each other and had a very loving relationship; we spoke every day. It is just now in hindsight I replay all of those times over the past couple of years, once the dementia had surfaced, when I was short with her, lost my temper, raised my voice etc. I have to confess that anger at the disease sometimes made me angry with her, and I said a few hurtful things I wish I hadn't, and could be short with her. Not often, but they are there nevertheless. Did it even stray into bullying? Then there were other times I was just too busy when she wanted my attention, or dismissed her concern.
All I do is replay these instances again and again in my head and can't get past them. I want to say sorry. I DID say sorry before she died, and I know she knew I loved her. I just seem to fixate on the bad which is preventing me remembering the happy times. Is this a normal part of guilt? Have others felt the same? Does it pass? Any tips for moving past it? I so want to remember the good times without this guilt.
It has been a while now since I last posted. We lost mum at the end of last year, and I have to admit that at first I was relieved because she had suffered so much over the final few months. Now some time has passed, and the thing I am finding hardest to deal with is the guilt. Mum was always a cantankerous character and even before dementia there would inevitably be flash points whenever I visited when we would end up bickering, and occasionally rowing. I would always try to rise above it, be the adult, but found myself failing.
Don't get me wrong, I think we understood each other and had a very loving relationship; we spoke every day. It is just now in hindsight I replay all of those times over the past couple of years, once the dementia had surfaced, when I was short with her, lost my temper, raised my voice etc. I have to confess that anger at the disease sometimes made me angry with her, and I said a few hurtful things I wish I hadn't, and could be short with her. Not often, but they are there nevertheless. Did it even stray into bullying? Then there were other times I was just too busy when she wanted my attention, or dismissed her concern.
All I do is replay these instances again and again in my head and can't get past them. I want to say sorry. I DID say sorry before she died, and I know she knew I loved her. I just seem to fixate on the bad which is preventing me remembering the happy times. Is this a normal part of guilt? Have others felt the same? Does it pass? Any tips for moving past it? I so want to remember the good times without this guilt.