Hi,
I've been caring for my dad for around 10 years now, he's lived fairly well with vascular dementia on his own and I live 3 miles away with my family, which is what he wanted. However, his dementia has been progressing rapidly this year and, although I have reduced my working hours to 12 per week, dad needs someone with him pretty much all the time he's awake. So I now have a lot of paid help to the point the only time he's alone is when he's in bed and for 3 hours 9-12 three days a week while I go to work.
However, he is now suffering from panic attacks. A lot. After searching for a pattern I'm beginning to think they are triggered by being alone.
I have been to my go to discuss the fact that as we can't afford long term live in care, residential care is our only real option. But we have been told that there is no facility to suit his needs - fully fit and mobile, constantly requiring stimulation etc.
Where do I even start looking for suitable care in these circumstances?
Hi Bassetlaw Badge, I'm not sure I really should be replying to you in my current emotional state, but I felt I needed to, I will try to keep it as brief as possible. So please also feel free to ignore me.
My dad has Advanced Dementia and we came to a point in January when myself and the Social worker agreed dad should no longer remain at home alone, due to his safety and welfare. So I was given the task of finding a care home for him, with not a lot of guidance to be honest and I was basing our needs on my dads current demeanor, which was very similar to what you say your dad is, fully fit and mobile and required practical stimulation, as he doesn't like TV/Reading/Playing games etc. The only thing wrong with my dad was his brain no longer worked due to the Dementia so he was putting himself at risk.
Roll on a couple of months, I finally found a care home I liked, it was on the list the Social worker had given me, it was local to my dad, they came out and did an assessment and apart from some concerns they had about dad wanting to go out a lot, they agreed they could offer him a place so he joined their waiting list.
Nearly 3 weeks ago I got a phone call to say a room had become available, I had to agree to accept it straight away and within 4 days I moved dad in on Friday 13th April, which turned out to be a lot easier than I thought as he trusted me and I told him it was for a holiday and to help his leg get better (he kept burning it on his electric fire).
The following evening (Saturday) I get a phone call, dad had got verbally abusive with another resident and had tried to grab his arm so they had to report him to safeguarding. At this point dad was also asking to leave and was going around trying doors and windows.
Dad continued all the following week to try and leave the home, trying doors and windows and setting off alarms etc. On the Saturday (21st April), I get a phone call at around 10pm to say dad had managed to break a window lock and had climbed out of the window and had escaped from the home and they had Police and staff out looking for him. Fortunately he was found about a hour or so later. But this then lead on to the home saying they had reached crisis point with him and they could no longer take care of dads needs and he would have to leave.
So in less than 2 weeks we have gone from dad still living at home, on no medication, happy in his own little world, going out as he pleased, having lunch with me and with me taking care of his welfare needs and keeping a watch on him with a system called 'just checking'. To now dad being called 'Challenging, aggressive, distressed, agitated and being assessed by the later life and memory service and prescribed medication of Trazodone and Lorazepam. He has become incontinent and the care home have asked for him to be removed asap as they have expressed concern about the potential risk to my Dad's safety and the significant risk to the safety of others.
(I do have a couple of recent threads about my recent journey and my current crisis if you want the full story).
So now the advice bit. Make sure when looking for a home for your dad that they fully understand your dads needs and they can meet these needs, visit the homes at different times of the day too to get a best idea how it is run. I have been told now that I have to look for EMI/Challenging Behaviour Care Homes with specialist Dementia units that are very secure. Ask lots of questions how they would deal with certain behaviour and if they would tolerate it as you do not want to be in the situation I find myself in now, having to urgently find dad another care home that is willing to accept this 'monster' that being in a care home has turned him into.
Sorry I don't want to dissuade you from placing your dad in a care home. I know we have to make these hard decisions for their own good and I still stick by that. I just wish with hindsight that I would have known how my dad would react to the change and that the home I chose could have coped better.
Good luck.
Elle x