Find it hard to visit

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by chants, Jun 25, 2007.

  1. chants

    chants Registered User

    Jan 7, 2007
    It's been a while since I posted. Mum is in a residential home of my brothers choice to make it easier for him to visit - he hasn't been now for 3 weeks, says he's been ill - believe he has to a certain extent.

    I am finding it more and more difficult to visit her, every time I walk in the room I am "jumped" on, told off for whatever is on her mind at the moment. The one thing is that I don't visit enough - I go 2 to 3 times a week. As it is not near where I live - I know it is only 6 miles away - and I work full time to visit for an hour, I can't stay any less or I feel bad, puts 2 hours on my journey home.

    My brother did not help with emptying the house where my mother lived, I owned the house you see, but he could not see past this and felt that the house was my responsibility, could not see that the contents were also his responsibility, as was the person who lived in it.

    The hurtful thing, silly I know, is that in June it was my birthday, and there I was buying her cards and presents for other members of the family, ie. my son, my brothers wife, my auntie, but could not do the same for myself, did not feel right, and my ever thoughtful brother could not do the same!

    When it is his sons birthday and his birthday and Christmas, I shall do the same, as mum always liked to send cards and presents.

    Sorry about this moan, but am feeling a little fragile at the moment, find it hard to visit and feel I must and come away upset always, know that mum doesn't mean what she says, but it is still hard.

    Thanks for listening. Chants
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Chants,

    Oh how your posts brought back memories of when I used to visit my mother.

    Before I went into the home, I had to steel myself for what was to come, and it never changed until her condition was so advanced, she couldn`t communicate. Even then, I was never sure whether the expression in her eyes was of pain and unhappiness, or whether I read too much into it.

    My mother too, was always the first with birthday cards and presents. And I sent all the family cards from her and a cheque. I could never send myself a card, nor could I write myself a cheque.

    It wasn`t a good time and I don`t envy you having to go through all this sadness.

    There`s no answer.

    But don`t become resentful. Your mother can`t help it, and your brother isn`t giving you much consideration, but you are doing as much right as possible, and being the person you are, it`s the only way you can act.

    Take care

    Love xx
  3. Pirate

    Pirate Registered User

    Jun 24, 2007
    Hi, I've also been having problems about how I feel about visits.

    See my thread about 'Visiting my Mum'

    If you visit once a month or three times a week, your mum will always react the same, so maybe it's time just to give yourself a break. Maybe reduce the visits slightly, or the length of time you spend there?

    I generally only visit for once a month for half an hour, which is more than enough for me, and if you see my posting, it's probably going to be less than that so if you are going for an hour, three times a week, you have nothing to feel bad about !
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Chants

    Please don't feel bad. You are doing so much for your mum, it must be so hard when you are coping with a job as well.

    Why don't you cut down the time for a while? Your mum probably wouldn't know the difference if you only stayed 1/2 hour, and if you get abuse anyway, it wouldn't make much difference!:(

    You have your own life to lead, and no-one expects you to make yourself ill.

    It's surprising how hurtful it is when you don't get birthday cards, etc, from the ones you love. Your brother could certainly be more thoughtful, but I'm afraid you're not going to change him. Could you perhaps have a word with his wife? Without wishing to be sexist, in my experience cards and presents tend to be part of the woman's role. I know it sounds like a small thing, but these small things do hurt, don't they?

    Try to give yourself a break, and post here whenever you need to. We do all understand your feelings.

  5. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    Hi I know just how you feel, I visit Mum twice a week I stand outside the home preparing myself for her going on and on at me to get her out and get her back home. Yesterday when I got home she continued to phone me at home to ask the same thing. I am tired of lying and having to think of new things to say. Today I put her house on th market and th guilt is eating away at me. I am also the one that kept up all of the familiy's birthdays and christmas and when it was my birthday I had nothing, I know it sounds silly but I really cried that day because it proved I was losing my Mum. All of this does not help your situation but it might help to think there are loads of us standing on streats bracing our selves for what is to come.
  6. halfpint

    halfpint Registered User

    Jun 25, 2007
    hi I have just registered today and am trying to find out how to use the site so hope you get this. I have my mam living with me and she goes into restpite about every 8 weeks for a week at a time i know how you feel as i do no visit her for that week, I phone a couple of times to see how she is but i feel so guilty her being there, i know if i went to see her and she wanted to come home with me i would take her home with me. Like you i work and have 3 children home so the break does me good but the guilty feeling is awful. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother who do not have anything to do with her and have also fallen out with me all to do with money! Hoping to get advice and to make sure i am caring for her right but it is breaking my heart to see her like this. Sorry for moaning to you
  7. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    hi halfpint, welcome to TP. looks like you're managing pretty well with using the forum so far. if you have any problems just shout up. we've all been new to using discussion forums at some point. someone will be able to sort it out for you.
  8. halfpint

    halfpint Registered User

    Jun 25, 2007
    hi aine
    thanks for letting me know i had done it right.I have added you to my buddy list if that is ok.
  9. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    thats fine :) mine's a pint ;)
  10. halfpint

    halfpint Registered User

    Jun 25, 2007
    pint any time

    just one more thing and i wont bother you again tonight.I have added this site to my favorites so when i want to log in again do i just go to it and click on to get back here,also is there ever anyone on the site through night as mam sometimes gets up and i get lonely as she dos'nt talk to me much dont think she even likes me sometimes:confused:
  11. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    hopefully it will work like that in your favourites. if you tick the little box that says "remember me" when you log in it should save you from having to log in again when you come back.

    there are some people in different time zones who are around in the nighttime .. sometimes at least. I like my sleep though, so i'm not sure ;)

    ps. you're not "bothering" us - TP is here to help. ask as much as you like, there'll always be someone to help.
  12. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006

    Last year my mother-in-law died two days before my birthday and it seemed to bring it home, that she was gone and not coming back. This year Mum died suddenly three weeks before my birthday and I think now birthdays are always going to be a rather sad time for me.
    I did help Mum to write cards for others in the family, and I wrote cheques for my son and daughter from her, but I couldn't take anything from her account for myself or my husband, because it didn't seem right.
    Perhaps Care and Nursing Homes could help people to make little cards for relatives as part of their activity sessions. It would have meant so much to have a recent card which had been made or written by my Mum.
  13. waterwoman

    waterwoman Registered User

    Jun 12, 2007
    I find it hard to visit too

    I think it best to visit less often and at least be reasonably happy with going rather than going more often and feeling utterly miserable before during and after the visit. Also if you are unhappy, bad tempered, resentful or distressed during the visit it is more likely to rub off on your relative and they catch the mood and become bad tempered, unhappy etc. Result - a totally negative visit which did not benefit either of you!

    Another thing, if you force yourself to go when you hate going and don't take a break from visiting, you may end up being unable to visit at all because you are pushing yourself too hard, which is much worse than visiting occasionally.

    It's my mother's 85th birthday today and it is much harder than usual to make that visit. Why is that I wonder?
  14. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Birthdays etc. can be a strain because we tend to expect too much of them.

  15. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Halfpint: I'm one of the ones who are here sometimes at night as I'm 5 hours behind most of the rest of you (I'm in the USA, while my mother is in the UK).

  16. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Halfpint, welcome - there are often one or two people around overnight - if you cant sleep, TP is a good place to be. And even if there is no-one on TP, you can still answer threads.
    Love Helen
  17. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Replying to everyone

    I haven't worked out how to reply to an individual, and have already forgotten the name of the fella that started this off, hope this gets to him, but visiting 2-3 times a week is more than responsible. It is not like a short hospital stay where you might visit every day. This is a long term job, and some relatives don't visit once a month.

    Also ask yourself, does your mum realise you have visited when you do? My mum hasn't a clue. She has even told staff that I have stayed overnight to be with her, and I certainly haven't. She thinks I am wonderful, and I am not.

    If your mum is complaining about you not visiting, I would suspect that she would be just the same if you visited every day - in short, she doesn't know.

    I am too only 6 miles away from mum, and I think I should visit every day, but we all need a day off when we can do what we want without pressure from any other source, and it is not as if your mother is not being cared for. Just relax for that one day, or two, three or four days. Find your own level. Some offspring love their parents to bit and can't bear to miss a day, I admit openly, I don't love my mother at all, I feel she did nothing for me as a teenager upwards, and find it hard to want to visit her at all. But I do. It is my duty. But 4 times a week is going to be my maximum, and it might be less. And I won't feel as bad about it if people like you feel the same.

    She has only recently been admitted to hospital, take me on a few months and I can see visits being once or twice a week.

    Hey, do what you can. There is no guilt in all of this, we do what we can do. We can never be perfect, never do it all right. Some families don't even care. Do your best, that is all that can be asked of your.


  18. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Margaret: you can't directly respond to one poster. WHat you can do is find the post you want to repond to and select the QUOTE button (right hand side) rather than the Post Reply button the the left. That will insert the entire post that you want to quote. If you don't want all of that post you can delete parts of it: just make sure you keep the code at the beginning and end of the post which will be in square brackets. Also If you start to type a reply and you want to see other peoples posts you can scroll down the page which will take you to Topic Review.

  19. chants

    chants Registered User

    Jan 7, 2007
    hard to visit

    Thank you to all of you - in reply to one - to ask my brothers wife would do no good - she never visits my mother in the home, nor did when she was in her own home. I shall just carry on - although I will try and cut down the visits, as it becomes tough - maybe I'm selfish and feeling a little guilty about her being there in the first place.

    Take care all of you - keep strong!
  20. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Jennifer

    Sorry I am a bit thick. So I hae just clicked on Quote, and so presumably this is coming to you only. Is that right?

    What do you mean by "It will insert the entire post that you want to quote"?

    And if I don't want all of that post (what post?). What cpde at the beginning and end" Beginning and end of what? I haven't spotted any "code".

    I haven't got as far as Topic Review, not a clue what you are saying. I can't cioe with this at all.




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