1. susan.wisdom

    susan.wisdom Registered User

    Oct 8, 2005
    I have a pervious thread talking about my diabetic aunt with dementia who needs twice daily carers to make sure she eats her meals. She says if they (meaning hospital and social services) says she needs them then they will have to pay. She has loads of money, at leat ten times threshold for any help. I have been made appointee for her pension and attendance allowance so can access the attendance allowance to help pay but I will obviously nedd more money.
    Her one love of life is seeing her bank statement and being able to write cheques, not that she does it very often, but just being able to gives her pleasure.
    I am a second signatory on her bank account, so I am able to withdraw money from her bank, but this would be for a purpose to which she has not agreed, where would I stand? She has no insight of he needs and there would be no problem in getting a court of protection order, but this would obviously leave without a cheque book, and I might as weel be dead then she would be so angry. If she doesn't have carer she will soon end up in some kind of home solely due to her stubborness to part with a little money, and she would then end up spending much more. Her answer, I would rather be dead than go into a home. We can't win
    Any advice please. Many thanks, susan
  2. deva

    deva Registered User

    Oct 6, 2005
    Dear Susan

    I do not have practical advice but you have all my sympathy. I went through a very similar situation last year and it caused at least one nervous breakdown in the immediate family and another is still pending because of the fall out.

    You cannot change your aunt's perception of things, nor her behaviour (at least, I doubt it). In the end maybe she has to bear the consequences, though that does sound harsh, doesn't it? Is there someone, one of those perceived as telling her what to do, who could come and talk with her about it? Maybe you could distance yourself a little (very difficult to do but it is the only thing that will give you a little space). We lost count of the times we asked ourselves 'what more can we do?' In the end we had to concede that to step back a little was the best for us all, painful as it seemed.

    Every good wish

  3. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    Hi Susan

    I don't know if this suggestion will help. I have an aunt who is very similar in her stubborness and independence and drove my cousin and I to the brink before things reached a head and she ended up in hospital , then an assessment unit before she agreed to go into a home. She could have lived longer in her house if she had only accepted carers coming in. Anyway (sorry for rambling!) the only person's advice she ever seemed to accept was the doctor's or solicitor's whom she saw in a rather old fashioned way as important authority figures. Could you enlist the help of her GP or solicitor to advise her to let you set up a separate account into which money could be transferred for her carers, to be administered by you? If she would let you do this you could send copies of the statements to her solicitor each month so that you felt everything was open for checking. She could still keep her cheque book on the original account. Probably not a practical suggestion but trying to help as I know how upsetting this stage is. In the end you can only do your best.

    Blue sea
  4. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Blue Sea
    I think you have made a very sensible suggestion.
    The "old" school always held the bank manager the solicitor and the minister in high esteem,in awe almost.
    Your idea could work.
  5. susan.wisdom

    susan.wisdom Registered User

    Oct 8, 2005
    thanks for your suggestion blue sea, trouble is my mum and I moved my aunt to near us about 4 years ago, if we had left her where she was she wud have already been in a home. She does not really know her GP, she forgets who he is, and has only met the solicitor here once, to make a will. there doesn't seem to be anybody that she will really take advice form. The only possibility could be a former lodger of hers, now a retired chief superintendent of a county police force, she thought the sun shone out of his ..... Don't know if he is even still alive, though his is probaly only about 70 now, maybe worth looking up.

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