Finally

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
353
Thank you to all of you who have taken time to drop me a reply. I wasn't sure if anyone would read my note.

if I haven't thanked you personally then it is because I am finding my way around this site and haven't been 'on line' this week.

We have had a letter today informing us that he has to take a driving assessment next week. I guess that means he will have to give up the car!!
Hi @Windy28 , no need for reply or thanks, I just wanted to add to what others have said in that not all the things you read about will happen to your husband. But it certainly is a massive rollercoaster of emotions. My partner is four years down the line from diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Getting him to give up driving was a tough one but I got him to have a driving assessment and definitely the best thing as he listened to the examiner when told he shouldn't drive anymore. I tended to take a view that I didn't want to know too much and would just take it a day at a time, which worked for me for a while, then when I really was at my wits end I found this site (via my cousin's help as she could see what a mess I was in). It's been invaluable for advice, seeing that other's are/have been in the same position and sometimes just venting to others who know what you're talking about! Really important to try and get time for yourself. The first 2 - 3 years were frustrating but he could still do things for himself and be left alone for some time and we could still go out and go on holidays. The last year or so has been really challenging but it's surprising what you cope with when you have to. Enjoy your time together while you can still do things and try not to worry too much!
 

DebJW

New member
Jan 24, 2020
3
For nearly 2 years I have been looking at this site. Learning from your experiences and gaining information.

Finally got my OH to go to the doctor, then waited for a memory assessment and now the dreaded letter arrived yesterday. He has dementia and is going for a driving assessment in a couple of weeks.

i haven't slept all night and feel very frightened today.
You will get lots of helpful advice from everyone I’m sure, but the most urgent - like right now before he loses any further capacity - is to get to a solicitor and have a Lasting Power of Attorney drawn up, as well as wills and advanced directives. Make sure you see someone who is an expert on family law and this field so you don’t get stuck in any loopholes (you can get the forms online but the solicitor can tailor them to you personally and make sure it covers all eventualities such as if you ever want to sell your home - turns out from personal experience that the POA can still cause trouble if it isn’t drafted with all these things in mind). It WILL save you a lot of problems further down the line and give you some control when things get difficult. Don’t wait because if you put it off, you’ll realise one of the days that you are too far down the road of lost capacity and it won’t then be possible to get the POA done at all. X
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
662
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Don’t wait because if you put it off, you’ll realise one of the days that you are too far down the road of lost capacity and it won’t then be possible to get the POA done at all. X
This is very true. When we applied for POA a few years ago our solicitor wanted a letter from our consultant to state that my husband had capacity. This we were able to do at the time but it wasn't long after that we would not have been able to do that.
 

Windy28

Registered User
Jan 8, 2020
12
What a busy couple of weeks I have had. Told my daughters that my OH has dementia and they two are coming to terms with his diagnosis. But it was a shock for them and a few tears too (although one daughter said 'I thought he was just being old mum'.

I have nearly sorted out the POA forms, need another witness. It has been hard talking about it to friends and then asking them to speak to my OH and sign the sheets.

Today he goes for his driving assessment and that too has caused me a sleepless night.

p.s. sorry if I sound mardy I'm not really, just overwhelmed.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
490
sorry if I sound mardy I'm not really, just overwhelmed.
Hi @Windy28, it's totally understandable, please don't apologise to anyone for that. It's good that you have shared with your daughters, do keep them in the loop I'm sure they will want to help and support you. As I said before, try to remember that nothing has changed with your OH other than the diagnosis for something you have already both been living with - try not to lose sight of enjoying life today with fear of the future. Well done for sorting the POA that will really help. I think it is really positive and sensible that he is going for a driving assessment, whatever the outcome. Stay strong. All the best
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,580
I was so touched by your posts that I couldn’t just read & run.
Each persons dementia journey is a personal pathway that occasionally has similarities with others dementia journeys.

yes I do think that your daughter is right in some ways it’s part of ageing for some, but it’s just naming how your body is affected by an illness.

Your husband is going for a driving assessment- I had my first assessment at 30 years of age after a series of TIA’s. It was the thought of it that was terrifying & it didn’t need to be. I have a restricted disabled licence that is reviewed every few years. ( I’m now 52!) I hope that my sharing this with yourselves helps at least put this part of the dementia path into a little context.

my advice, live life & enjoy. What will be will be, but memories are precious. I regret not having a full family holiday with my mum & dad & hubby & kids.
Even if it’s just a night away I highly recommend doing it. old fashioned board games etc walks & roast dinners, memories of laughter & fun.

life is for living , no matter what pathways we walk.

sending love & hugs
X
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,470
Dorset
Thank you to all of you who have taken time to drop me a reply. I wasn't sure if anyone would read my note.

if I haven't thanked you personally then it is because I am finding my way around this site and haven't been 'on line' this week.

We have had a letter today informing us that he has to take a driving assessment next week. I guess that means he will have to give up the car!!

If, sadly, he has to stop driving after the assessment, just be thankful that this is an “official” decision and you haven’t had to go through the machinations many of us have faced in getting our loved one to cease driving . It is a great worry when you know that someone is becoming a danger behind the wheel of a car but neither realises or accepts their problem. If at a later date you get the “no driving” thrown back at you you can at least claim no responsibility and put all the blame on a faceless bureaucrat who made the decision!
 

Windy28

Registered User
Jan 8, 2020
12
It has been just over two weeks since I was online. My husband failed his driving assessment and I had to drive his car home from the driving centre. He was sobbing in the passenger seat and has been very very low since. I have been blamed for taking him to the memory clinic, blamed for taking him to the consultants, blamed for taking him to the driving test centre and blamed for his car standing idle on the drive. I have had money thrown at me (as he says he won't need to go to the shops anymore) doors are being slammed everyday, the dog is hiding and my husband has said he feels .,suicidal. I rang the doctors yesterday and told them all this, but they can't see me/us until Tuesday. I am not coping very well at the moment and I don't know what to do.

I have sorted the POA now, just need to get a consent form from the doctors in order that I can talk to the doctors about him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,342
South coast
If you are not driving the car I would remove it, because the sight of it on the drive is likely to be a trigger for his anger. I have found with OH that out of sight is truly out of mind. Could you perhaps "lend" it to your daughter? Im afraid that from now on you will need to start working on the "love lies" that are needed to smooth over the journey when he is unable to understand the reality.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,580
It has been just over two weeks since I was online. My husband failed his driving assessment and I had to drive his car home from the driving centre. He was sobbing in the passenger seat and has been very very low since. I have been blamed for taking him to the memory clinic, blamed for taking him to the consultants, blamed for taking him to the driving test centre and blamed for his car standing idle on the drive. I have had money thrown at me (as he says he won't need to go to the shops anymore) doors are being slammed everyday, the dog is hiding and my husband has said he feels .,suicidal. I rang the doctors yesterday and told them all this, but they can't see me/us until Tuesday. I am not coping very well at the moment and I don't know what to do.

I have sorted the POA now, just need to get a consent form from the doctors in order that I can talk to the doctors about him.
If it’s any consolation Mum blamed me constantly & still does for most things. I do gently state it’s not me or my fault that the situation dictates no driving etc. & very gently point out that it’s her own body & mind that’s not working properly.
(I then hide in the bathroom & howl! It helps a lot ! )

I’m so sorry you have embarked on this dementia journey but my lovely on this forum you are never alone. More experienced souls than me can empathise through their years of experience of dementia & their loved ones.
But this forum is amazingly supportive no matter what your experiences
Xx
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
110
Hi @Windy28 it’s a horrible time, and you have all my sympathy. I got rid of our 2 cars within 3 weeks of my OH getting the letter saying that his license wasn’t being renewed. I didn’t want it sitting on the drive taunting him, or him thinking he could use it. But I get reminded most days that it’s my car, he can’t drive, and he has no interest in helping me with it. Blame is inevitable as you are the only one he can vent to. It will get a bit easier, only a bit though.