Finally happened.

[john1939]

After much soul searching I finally arranged for my wife to spend some respite time in a care home. She simply had become unmanageable in several ways. She refused to let anyone help her with personal care so that was not done. She threw her food down the toilet and spent the daylight hours sleeping and then was up all night turning lights on, opening blinds continuously. I was at first unwilling to go down this road but since no other options were available then that had to be. The future is unclear at this point.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@john1939 There is only so much a person can cope with and you know it's not your fault. At least now you have some thinking space so take your time and be kind to yourself.
Big hug

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @john1939 it is an immeasurably hard thing to do, but as everyone will say, you have to look after yourself. I put my OH into respite for the first time in September for 2 weeks. The first 4 days I didn’t sleep, but it then got better, and I was able to relax a bit more.

 

[MartinWL]

Well done for facing up to an unpaletable reality.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @john1939

There is no good time to accept we are no longer able to meet the needs of those we care for and it takes soul searching to the highest level.

By the time I accepted respite for my husband , he was only home for a few weeks following this when he was in full time residential care.

It squeezes the last breath out of us.

If it`s any help, once my husband settled in permanent care his contentment was obvious for all to see and I had the best four years with him since his diagnosis and even since the years leading to his diagnosis.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dad spent a year in a care home and received an extra lease of life. You have done the best for your dear wife and now you need to look after yourself.

MaNaAk

 

[john1939]

After much soul searching I finally arranged for my wife to spend some respite time in a care home. She simply had become unmanageable in several ways. She refused to let anyone help her with personal care so that was not done. She threw her food down the toilet and spent the daylight hours sleeping and then was up all night turning lights on, opening blinds continuously. I was at first unwilling to go down this road but since no other options were available then that had to be. The future is unclear at this point.

I visited several times and then the care home manager told me that they were going into lockdown for two weeks. My wife absolutely hated the place despite it being of the highest standard. All she wanted was to be taken home.

 

[Poppy44]

Hello @john1939

There is no good time to accept we are no longer able to meet the needs of those we care for and it takes soul searching to the highest level.

By the time I accepted respite for my husband , he was only home for a few weeks following this when he was in full time residential care.

It squeezes the last breath out of us.

If it`s any help, once my husband settled in permanent care his contentment was obvious for all to see and I had the best four years with him since his diagnosis and even since the years leading to his diagnosis.

Thank you so much. This is immeasurably helpful - and indeed so very positive. I am sure that it will give hope to many of us grappling with the problem.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Dear @john1939 be assured you have done your very best. My dad reached this point in fact had been like it for quite a while add aggression to the mix, and eventually the carers coming into his home four times a day could no longer cope with him. My dad had to go into a care home for assessment as the care company gave notice. Dads dementia was more advanced than Social Services thought he had been receiving Crisis Team visits but they dismissed him because he didn't want to go in for respite and said he had capacity. As a family we had done our best in keeping dad in his own home as long as possible as we lived close and were giving daily support too. I confess my sister was more reluctant for dad to go into the care home but I had been more realistic as to how dad had progressed. We sadly lost our dad in January this year and he wasn't in the care home long around 3 weeks before being admitted to hospital. My dad was barely eating and we were told from his hospital stay that a scan revealed he had fairly recently had a small stroke on top of that a ulcer was found in his stomach which they treated successfully. No matter how much we try and how much we love it gets to the point we cannot do much more and we have to allow others to help. Take care of yourself now as I'm sure it will have taken a toll on your own health as dads dementia and all it entailed has done to me. Believe you really have done what you can and now it might be the time that someone else needs to take over your wife's day to day care.

 

[Kapow]

Hi @john1939 .....yes,it's a very hard decision to make,but you have made the right one.With all the love in the world you still face new challenges every day,every hour even,and it just becomes too much,and your own health suffers.It's hard,but you have to believe you made the decision for all the best reasons.Take care of yourself now,and be forgiving of yourself.

 

[john1939]

I was talking with the GP and he told me that during the lockdowns the practice had experienced a sharp spike in the number of Dementia carers who had strokes and heart attacks. This news did not surprise me one bit, and it hammers home the importance of asking for help before you fall victim to a health breakdown. The dementia sufferer could well be still alive while the carer passes.

 

[canary]

I was talking with the GP and he told me that during the lockdowns the practice had experienced a sharp spike in the number of Dementia carers who had strokes and heart attacks. This news did not surprise me one bit, and it hammers home the importance of asking for help before you fall victim to a health breakdown. The dementia sufferer could well be still alive while the carer passes.

There was a study done by Schulz and Beach at the University of Pittsburgh and published in the Journal of the American Medical Association 1999 on Caregiving as a Risk Factor for Mortality. It is quite famous and has been often cited. The results show that if you are a caregiver to a spouse and suffer from "caregiver strain" you are 63% more likely to die within 4 years than non-caregivers


Scary..........

Edit to remove duff link

 

[canary]

Bother, the link hasnt worked.

 

[Izzy]

Bother, the link hasnt worked.

Is this the study?

Caregiving as a risk factor for mortality: the Caregiver Health Effects Study - PubMed

Our study suggests that being a caregiver who is experiencing mental or emotional strain is an independent risk factor for mortality among elderly spousal caregivers. Caregivers who report strain associated with caregiving are more likely to die than noncaregiving controls.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

 

[canary]

Thank you @Izzy that is indeed the one, although I had the actual whole study as a PDF.

 

[Londonbird]

After much soul searching I finally arranged for my wife to spend some respite time in a care home. She simply had become unmanageable in several ways. She refused to let anyone help her with personal care so that was not done. She threw her food down the toilet and spent the daylight hours sleeping and then was up all night turning lights on, opening blinds continuously. I was at first unwilling to go down this road but since no other options were available then that had to be. The future is unclear at this point.

Hi John, am a new member but I totally understand. My daddy was in a home and I would have wanted him to with me and my family in my house but it wouldn’t have been fair on anyone. You have done an amazing job and you need to be kind to yourself. Your wife is getting all the care she needs. Hugs