Finally at peace

Trini

Registered User
Dec 7, 2015
39
MIL passed away this morning in the Nursing home where she had been for 10 days for respite care. Having been to see her last Thursday it seems like a blessed relief. She did not recognise me, needed to be hoisted, spoon fed and did not speak apart from the occasional word. What surprises me is that the family seem shocked. It's as if they have never really understood what dementia is and the fact that ultimately it was going to kill her. I thank god that she did not go on like this for years. I know some do. I have found the last few years emotionally exhausting. I do not really feel anything now but relief. That may seem heartless. Even my elder son said he did not really feel any connection. In his eyes she has not been there for some time. We can now get on and deal with the practicalities and not have to worry when the next crisis will happen.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,557
Ireland
My condolences on the loss of your mum. Even when it's expected and we know it must come as a relief to the person, their loss still leaves a huge gap in our lives.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,440
Yorkshire
sad news Trini
a blessed release for your mum
and a relief for you to know that she's now out of dementia's clutches
grief walks its own path; go gently
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,942
North East England
Condolences. I knew it was coming to my Mum long before the day arrived....I was prepared, my kids were prepared, but every now and then, some two years later, I still get a nasty little stab of pain and sadness to remind me. Take care of yourself and be glad that her suffering is over. You did your job well.x.x.
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
MIL passed away this morning in the Nursing home where she had been for 10 days for respite care. Having been to see her last Thursday it seems like a blessed relief. She did not recognise me, needed to be hoisted, spoon fed and did not speak apart from the occasional word. What surprises me is that the family seem shocked. It's as if they have never really understood what dementia is and the fact that ultimately it was going to kill her. I thank god that she did not go on like this for years. I know some do. I have found the last few years emotionally exhausting. I do not really feel anything now but relief. That may seem heartless. Even my elder son said he did not really feel any connection. In his eyes she has not been there for some time. We can now get on and deal with the practicalities and not have to worry when the next crisis will happen.
Ah Trini. No, not heartless. I got the same call over my husband today at lunchtime. I'm so sorry, love. Don't think I've spoken to you on here before, but I certainly feel what you feel for the loss of a loved one.

Courage and strength to you, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

lemonjuice

Registered User
Jun 15, 2016
1,535
England
MIL passed away this morning in the Nursing home where she had been for 10 days for respite care. Having been to see her last Thursday it seems like a blessed relief. She did not recognise me, needed to be hoisted, spoon fed and did not speak apart from the occasional word. What surprises me is that the family seem shocked. It's as if they have never really understood what dementia is and the fact that ultimately it was going to kill her. I thank god that she did not go on like this for years. I know some do. I have found the last few years emotionally exhausting. I do not really feel anything now but relief. That may seem heartless. Even my elder son said he did not really feel any connection. In his eyes she has not been there for some time. We can now get on and deal with the practicalities and not have to worry when the next crisis will happen.
Whilst obviously sad that you have lost your mother, hopefully longterm having effectively such a short phase when you 'lost' your mother will help the grieving/ healing process.

When it does go on for a long time your son is right, because they can no longer participate in 'family life' it is all too easy to 'lose the connection'.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
It doesn't seem heartless at all to me. Just honest.

Although there was sadness too, my main emotion when my mother died was relief that she did not have to go on in that most pitiful, undignified state any longer. I was so painfully aware of how her former self would have been horrified at what she'd become.
I cannot see that it's at all wrong to wish that someone in the appalling later stages of dementia could slip peacefully away.
Do take care of yourself now. x