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Final goodbye

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
988
0
I find it hard to believe that I said goodbye to mum this afternoon, I did not think I had the strength to sit with her and watch her die.

I knew mum was approaching EOL as she been intermittently refusing to eat or drink for a couple of weeks but her doctor, who saw her on Tuesday, thought she still had some strength as she resisted the blood pressure monitor and tried to bite her finger! Then I got a phone call this morning to say mum appeared very sleepy and leaning to one side so they left her in bed and called out the doctor again. While the doctor was there, mum vomited some dark fluids which he thought was blood from her stomach. Luckily discussions had already taken place to agree that mum was not to have any treatment at hospital and after talking to me, the doctor left to prescribe morphine which the district nurses would administer.

I and my brother and sister then set off to the care home to be with mum as the carers thought she did not have much time left, when I got there she was obviously in some discomfort but was not moving very much, just grunting slightly periodically. Then after an hour, her breathing went quiet and she just slipped away with us three holding her hand, very peacefully and exactly what we had hoped for. The morphine had not even arrived so she was spared the pain of having a IV drip attached.

The speed of her death has shaken me, I had been worried about how I would cope but mum just looked like she was dosing peacefully. I was very moved by the tears of the senior carers who were with us at the end, they genuinely seemed to like the feisty person mum became, even though she was still throwing food at them the other day when they spent two hours trying to persuade her to eat a little yoghurt!

Now it’s a waiting game, the doctor needs to certify the death and then there will be a post mortem as mum was not being treated for the bleeding and of course it’s a bank holiday weekend! I need to take time to come to terms with our loss before worrying about funeral arrangements or probate etc so I think I’ll raise a glass of mums favourite tipple, gin and tonic, tonight in her memory.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
11,676
0
Southampton
so sorry, its the peaceful end that i would want. when my nan was eol, i sat by her reading my book as she was asleep asnd didnt even here her go and i didnt realize shed stopped breathing until the nurses came in.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,836
0
Nottinghamshire
I am so sorry @lymmax, that must be a big shock for you all but so glad you were there with your mother. I would have liked to have met her as she sounded like an amazing person.
Thinking of you all.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
677
0
So sorry for your loss @Lynmax, I hope you can take comfort that you were able to be with your Mum and that her passing was peaceful and quick.

Take care and enjoy your gin & tonic if you can x
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
939
0
Please accept my sincere condolences @Lynmax . Reading of your mum's feistiness did make smile. I'm glad to read she was able to pass peacefully with her loved ones by her side. Sending you hug.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
3,135
0
North West
I find it hard to believe that I said goodbye to mum this afternoon, I did not think I had the strength to sit with her and watch her die.

I knew mum was approaching EOL as she been intermittently refusing to eat or drink for a couple of weeks but her doctor, who saw her on Tuesday, thought she still had some strength as she resisted the blood pressure monitor and tried to bite her finger! Then I got a phone call this morning to say mum appeared very sleepy and leaning to one side so they left her in bed and called out the doctor again. While the doctor was there, mum vomited some dark fluids which he thought was blood from her stomach. Luckily discussions had already taken place to agree that mum was not to have any treatment at hospital and after talking to me, the doctor left to prescribe morphine which the district nurses would administer.

I and my brother and sister then set off to the care home to be with mum as the carers thought she did not have much time left, when I got there she was obviously in some discomfort but was not moving very much, just grunting slightly periodically. Then after an hour, her breathing went quiet and she just slipped away with us three holding her hand, very peacefully and exactly what we had hoped for. The morphine had not even arrived so she was spared the pain of having a IV drip attached.

The speed of her death has shaken me, I had been worried about how I would cope but mum just looked like she was dosing peacefully. I was very moved by the tears of the senior carers who were with us at the end, they genuinely seemed to like the feisty person mum became, even though she was still throwing food at them the other day when they spent two hours trying to persuade her to eat a little yoghurt!

Now it’s a waiting game, the doctor needs to certify the death and then there will be a post mortem as mum was not being treated for the bleeding and of course it’s a bank holiday weekend! I need to take time to come to terms with our loss before worrying about funeral arrangements or probate etc so I think I’ll raise a glass of mums favourite tipple, gin and tonic, tonight in her memory.
Dear @Lynmax
My sincere condolences, I have just come across your message.

I think your mum was a very lucky lady to have so much love around her even given the diffcult situation you and your family were in on how best to move forward.

I am glad I met you, because it helps me now feel that bit more of what you might be feeling now and recognise what this journey does to all of us dementia or not.

Wishing a good G&T in your mums name and hoping there is finally peace.

My utnost regards

Simon xx
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,305
0
Chester
So sorry to for your loss. Sudden but not sudden is hard to take in.

Let's hope she's enjoying a football game with a g & t in hand wherever she is xx
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
988
0
Such lovely thoughts, thank you. It’s late now but I can’t sleep, too much thinking! I have just decided to listen to an audio book and have that promised gin and tonic with a few chocolate digestive biscuits!!

Lots to think about but we’ve already decided that we are going to donate the Porter chair that we bought in January, it made mums last few weeks so comfortable that we’d like some other resident, without the funds that mum had, to use it. Apart from that, all we’ve agreed is that her Manchester City scarves will be on her coffin and a couple of their anthems will be played - the best send off for a life long fan and season ticket holder for over 50 years.

We have no idea what happens next, giving ourselves this weekend to reflect and remember then start sorting things out on Tuesday.
 

duchess55

Registered User
Sep 1, 2021
124
0
So sorry to hear your news. You loved her and that is what matters, never forget that.

Like you I am in limbo. Can’t do much until after the bank holiday. My mind is blank. My children are supporting me and to be honest trying to organise everything. I couldn’t do this without them.

We want everything to be just right don’t we it is the last thing we can do for them. If we forget something or can’t do something it doesn’t really matter. What matteres was when they were alive.. how much they were loved.

Take care and try to be kind to yourself, like I am trying.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
988
0
Thank you Duchess55, it’s a difficult time for you as well. Luckily I am very close to my brother and sister so we will share all the work. We’ve started letting friends and family know and are meeting the funeral director on Tuesday. There was a possibility that the coroner would be informed to clarify the cause of death as although mum had been seen by two doctors this week, there were some additional symptoms in the last few hours which had not been diagnosed. However, that’s not happened so once we get the medical certificate we can register the death and plan ahead.

I know I will keep going while planning the funeral and sorting everything else out but will then struggle once it goes quiet. I almost had a breakdown four weeks after my dad died so I’ll be relying on some close friends to talk to then.

I glad that your children are helping you, it’s important to have someone close by.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,190
0
High Peak
Even when you expect it, death still surprises us. I'm relieved your feisty mum has found peace and that you and your brother and sister were there, as you wanted.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

xx
 

duchess55

Registered User
Sep 1, 2021
124
0
Thank you Duchess55, it’s a difficult time for you as well. Luckily I am very close to my brother and sister so we will share all the work. We’ve started letting friends and family know and are meeting the funeral director on Tuesday. There was a possibility that the coroner would be informed to clarify the cause of death as although mum had been seen by two doctors this week, there were some additional symptoms in the last few hours which had not been diagnosed. However, that’s not happened so once we get the medical certificate we can register the death and plan ahead.

I know I will keep going while planning the funeral and sorting everything else out but will then struggle once it goes quiet. I almost had a breakdown four weeks after my dad died so I’ll be relying on some close friends to talk to then.

I glad that your children are helping you, it’s important to have someone close by.
Yes, I will struggle also when things go quiet it will be like why is life still going on.

We have had a bit of trouble getting a death certificate, still not go one yet but hopeful. My husband hadn’t seen the doctor in a while and as it happened at home things got complicated. Our doctor has been brilliant. We have seen the funeral directors but can’t book a date yet.

I saw my husband on Friday at the funeral directors and he looked so at peace, even younger. No signs of bewilderment from Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer’s took so much from him but in the end he put two fingers up to it and went quick, the way he would have wanted. It didn’t beat him.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
988
0
I’ve just found out that we no longer go to the Registry Office to get the death certificate in person. The doctor fills in a form with relevant info ( hence why he is phoning me on Tuesday) then email it together with his medical certificate to the Registry Office. They then send the death certificate direct to the funeral directors which gives the right to hold a funeral. I’m not sure at which stage we get the certificate nor how we get additional copies if we need them. Interesting!